Bugsy's Blog

Three already

2010-09-05T20:28:00.002+10:00

Three - We are three already - when did that happen!

He is such a gorgeous and amazing man who is so smart that he puts me to shame - I actually lost a logical argument to him this week - the topic was "how do you decide whether something is real or not? he said "I am real because i can talk". I said 'what about the dog? does that mean the dog is not real?" - he answered "the dog talks - she barks! - that is her way of talking". What could i say to that? Here are some photos of him - Alex with his monkey, and on his pirate birthday, complete with the pirate themed cake i made him, and then alex dressed up as superman!

He is my superman!

Yes - we live!

2009-12-09T09:44:00.004+11:00

A post from Bugsy you say? Nah - she never posts anymore. Well yes I have been naughty, but I have also been busy. Working non stop with a 2 year old and a home to care for as well is very very tiring. And i must admit, facebook has lured me away from just about everything else.

Anyway - here i am.

Alex is just about 28 months old, (2 years 4 months). He has sure grown up. My little boy is in big boy undies and is very excited about it - he is telling everyone. It only started yesterday so it is quite a novelty for him. But while he is interested, we will pursue his interest. Getting rid of nappies will certainly help alleviate some weight on the budget!

I entered some of my knitting in the local agricultural show and i got a second place and a third place! Was really pleased because i really didn't expect to win anything, when i am competing against women who have been entering for 30+ years and win every since time. Quite nice though that someone else likes my knitting too. Yay.

ok - some pics.

Collecting the eggs at Auntie's farm:
This is MY egg - i took it inside and Auntie cooked it for me and i ate it for breakfast:
Professional daycare pics - my studious look: (notice - left hander!):

My playful look hehe:
Tired after a long day with Nanna - got to see Santa, got a pressie, rode a pony and got my face painted.:
My little kitty: (roar)
The knitting that won me 2nd and 3rd at the local show (baby feet blanket and iggle piggle):

21 months old

2009-05-11T08:57:00.004+10:00

What a mother's day pressie - my boy turned 21 months old on Mother's day.

He is getting so big now. Such a little man.

* He squeals and shouts and makes lots of noise, then turns around and holds his finger to his mouth and says "shhhhhh......."
* When he wants to go outside he runs into his bedroom and gets his boots and puts them on.
* He can put his pull on boots on himself. No guarantee he will get the right feet but 90% of the time he does.
* His language skills are finally starting to take off. He attempts to repeat what we have said and you can pick up what word he was trying to say.
* He has started saying "please" and will add it to what he wants eg "up please".
* Toys have to kiss now lol. Teddy and giraffe pash all the time, then Mummy and Daddy have to kiss teddy and giraffe too.
* He has become a little bugger to get to bed of a night time. The last four nights it has been well after midnight before he has reluctantly gone to bed. This is definately something that needs correcting as it is driving me quickly insane.
* If a song he is dancing to ends, and there is a gap between that song and the next one he stands there with this arms open and says "uh-ohhh".
* If he spills something he grabs a "cloth" of some sort and wipes it up.
* Whenever someone leaves he waves, calls out "Bye" and blows kisses - even if it is just someone leaving from a car park outside the shop that he doesn't even know. We have had some grumpy people laugh and smile when he does it to them.
* He loves art. Drawing especially, but he loves pasting as well.
* He is a big music lover. Not only listening to it but also he loves playing his drum, recorder, harmonica etc.
* He enjoys doing flashcards and will bring us the packet every day to do. When we get to I for Icecream he wants to lick the card hehe.
* He can tell me what sound a dog, cat and fish make.
* He loves his new blue dressing gown and his white bath robe.

and so much more. He is amazing and awesome and frustrating - all in one tidy little package.

igg1e pigg1e

2009-04-15T19:15:00.007+10:00

Leeanne - I have been knitting - honest.

I have almost finished an Igg1e Pigg1e toy for my boy. All i have left is the blankie.

This is where i am up to at the moment:
Close up of the face:
Back to when he was "armless":
and before then he was just a faceless entity:
The body after i just finished knitting it:

An update

2009-04-15T11:37:00.004+10:00

I thought it was about time i posted, and Rachel - you have encouraged me to finally make a post.

We are doing okay. Times are a bit tough (okay a lot tough). Business is struggling, i can't find a job and I am terrified we will lose our home (hubbs assures me it won't get to that - I pray he is right.).

Alex continues to be incredible and is my rock in this world. I don't know how i would cope without him.

He is now 20 months old and a real little boy now - no hint of my baby remains.

He is down to one bottle at bedtime and eats me out of house and home already. I swear every night he eats the same amount i eat. And i love that he will try anything. I don't think i have found any food yet that he just won't eat.

When i am preparing dinner he sits on a bar stool at the kitchen bench and watches me, and he wants to try every ingredient. He loves to munch on carrot but wasn't too keen on raw onion hehe. At least he tried it. He loves raw cauliflower too.

His vocabulary has started improving and he is a whiz at baby sign language. if he can't make us understand the word he signs it instead so we get the idea of what he wants. It is very cute.

Some pics of our little family:

Alex doing what he loves best - being a revhead on daddy's motorbike - boy he can rev that thing. He bawls buckets when he gets pulled off it and daddy rides away to go to the shop.

Our family. Daycare had a really cheap deal for doing family photos so we got them done. I love and cherish them.
My boy. Losing all his baby fat, he is a real little boy now.

hehe and when 1 sippy cup just isn't enough:

My chocolate easter bunny:

Urgent Aid Needed - please help all you can.

2009-02-10T12:40:00.002+11:00

You would have to be living in a hole to not know of the devistation that has been happening in Australia at the moment - Victoria being the worst hit with the fires (although I wouldn't want to really compare - other states have had it really bad too). The toll is still rising but so far there are 173 people dead in these Victorian fires and thousands of people homeless with little more than the clothing on their back. They are saying 750 homes have been lost but I wouldn't be surprised if it was much more than that. We are only beginning to understand the depth of this.

My sister is in an affected area, and i never again want a phone call like the one she gave me on Saturday. She called , in tears to tell me that the fires were near, and the name of the solicitors office where her will is kept, just in case. She told me she loved me and that there was no opportunity to evacuate - all roads leading out are blocked with fire. The fire front was 20 kms wide, with flames leaping 60-100 ft high.

Somehow, with a lot of luck, and a lot of fire prevention in place, and by being up for 24 hours putting out spot fires on their property and saturating their house and property they survived unscathed apart from some singe marks.

As they run dog boarding kennels they had 8 boarders that they brought into their house, so they could defend them better. All the owners are very happy that they cared enough to do this.

Since then they have taken in a friend and her cats. This friend breeds russian blue cats and has 55 of them ranging from kittens to adults. They only managed to catch 49 of them before they were forced to leave because the fires were too close. They haven't been allowed back into the area yet to see if the other 6 have survived and whether her house is still standing - they will try every day to return though. So my sister's house is pretty full at the moment with lots of dogs and cats and 3 humans.

Of course with all this loss there is a great need for assistance from anyone. The red cross are accepting donations, as are most of the major banks. Please give what you can to help.

For those of us that are too short of cash that want to help out there are other things you can do.

COLES supermarket is having it so all money spent there Friday 13th will go to the bushfires, so PLEASE hold off getting groceries and shop at coles this Friday!!!

There is a Ravelry group that are collecting 12inch (30cm) squares to make blankets for those in need. Please go HERE and join up. Every square helps..and lets face it..If you were in need YOU would want someones help, dont be selfish, give just a few hours to make a square or two. They can be knitted, crocheted or sewn and if you want you can also donate materials.

If you don't have a Ravelry account and still want to make squares, you can send them to me and i will pass them on. Email me at mail(dot)bugsy(at)gmail(dot)com and i will send you my address.

It can pretty much be said that if you live in Australia you must know of at least one person who this has affected, even if its only a friend of a friends friend..its still so close to home. This could happen to any one of us.

Please - if there was ever a time to help someone out that seriously needs it - this IS the time.

Thank you

Tagged - i hate being tagged!!!!

2009-02-04T15:01:00.002+11:00

Tagged

The lovely Katt tagged me so here I go

Here are the rules:
Link to the person who tagged you.
Mention the rules.
Tell six quirky yet boring, unspectacular details about yourself.
Tag six other bloggers by linking to them.
Go to each person’s blog and leave a comment that let’s them know they’ve been tagged.

1. I hate being tagged. Yet i do them when pushed. (or bored)

2. I have never seen snow.

3. I was 28 when i got my ears pierced, and even then i cried because i had defied my father's wishes (he hated people mutilating their bodies) - and my father had been dead 7 years by then.

4. I was 30 the first time i flew anywhere - it was a conference on the gold coast - i loved it

5. I would love to write a book about infertility - one day i hope i do, and it hope it touches one person out there suffering as i have.

6. i hate being tagged - i can never find a final thing to tell you about.

Not tagging anyone - that is my gift to you.

i never post

2009-01-19T13:46:00.004+11:00

You know that - This is like my first post in 2 months - Talk about a gap!

I have been sick. Since November actually. Started off like a cold, and just got worse until i had trouble breathing. After many trips to GPs I had 6 lots of antibiotics and 2 days before Christmas day the doc wanted me to go into hospital. I managed to talk her out of this - how on earth can i go into hospital with a toddler, 2 days before christmas when i am cooking lunch for 5 people?

Luckily i started getting better so stayed out of hospital, but have since started going downhill again. Lung x-ray showed nothing so i went for a high res CT scan of my lungs this morning - results on Thursday. I am so sick of being sick. My throat is still ulcerated and it hurts to breath. I am still coughing up green mucus and have had a headache mostly for the last 5 days. And you can bet i am not even doing anything positive like losing weight lol.

Alex has been awesome. He is almost 1.5 years old - can you believe it?

he is growing and changing all the time. I love him to bits. I have a million photos on facebook of him (email me and i will give you the email address i use there so you can easily find me).

We recently went to my sisters for a few days and he loved the beach - the biggest sandpit he has ever seen!

I have been busy too - here are a couple of projects i have finished recently:

A pair of Fetching handwarmers:

Alex's little blue heart jumper - almost finished - just have to do a little bit of embroidery around the heart

And of course some up to date pics of Alex:

Alex at woodside beach:

Alex and Mumma at woodside beach:
Alex playing in the sand at woodside beach:

Mummy, Daddy and Alex on Boxing day at my family christmas get together - he was very spoilt:

Big Changes

2008-11-28T19:39:00.003+11:00

It's been a big week.

Wednesday Alex was sick and i had to stay home with him. At 9am i got a phone call - my boss, and a HR rep on the phone. In 10 mins my life changed. Over the phone they told me that my position had been made redundant. After 8 years, I am unemployed. In a heartbeat.

I finished up today.

I should be happy. I am one of the lucky ones. I get a reasonable payout in very uncertain times. New redundancy policies come into play 1st jan next year that means the payout is effectively halved.

Today was hard. It was like i was invisible to most there. Like i had already gone. 4 amazing friends there really helped me today. They made me remember why i love that place so much. It is the people - they are incredible and i thank them so much for being there today. They have no idea how their support carried me through the day.

I left quietly. No presentation, no gift, no card. It was better this way. I went to lunch with the people that mattered. I said goodbye to those people as well. No false presentations, no guilt filled gifts. It made the day more about me instead of them, and i was very glad of that.

Still, it was hard. I cried several times. Heck i am crying as i am typing this.

But I got through the day and now it is done. I am unemployed. I am free.

I never realised how emotional redundancies are. How the feelings are totally mixed. I just want to say to my friends that have been through this (Jojo -i am thinking of you), I hope i helped you during this time. I hope i made you feel okay. I never really understood, but i do now, and i am sorry if i didn't understand at the time.

I feel like they loved me so much that they paid me to go away. and i am struggling to understand how that really makes me feel.

i'm conflicted. I wish i could stop crying and see this as a positive thing, like so many people are telling me to do.

8 years is a long time. I have some grieving to do.

So now i have some big decisions to make, and i get to spend more time bouncing on the bed with this incredible little man:

and that IS a very positive thing.

Yes I am alive - really I is!

2008-11-23T17:44:00.003+11:00

I really am still alive. Things have been busy. Alex has been continually sick with one thing or the other. I really hate daycare for making him so ill. He got bronchitis and I was home for 2 weeks with him until he was better, then he was only back at daycare 1 week and he got gastro, then both Hubbs and I also got gastro! absolutely disgusting it was. Ohh and then we gave Nana gastro too. Fun.

I am incredibly busy with work as well. In fact I worked almost all weekend remotely (nana came over to help with alex yesterday while I looked after crisis hotspots). I have no idea where the rest of my time goes. Either i am working at the shop, or doing something with Alex. (in fact it has taken me all day to write this blog post!)

Alex is thriving. He is over 15 months old now and running everywhere. Every day he grows up a little more and every day i am reminded that he is more knowing than i give him credit for. He seems to understand everything. I can ask him where something is and he will run and get it and bring it back to me.

He will eat really well with a spoon and doesn't make that much mess really. He eats pretty much everything we put in front of him (except if he isn't feeling well).

He has 11 teeth (4 top front, 4 top bottom and 3 of his "first molars") and it really hurts when he bites!

He has finally decided to say Mumma. He says quite a bit (most not totally recognisable though). eg "ish" is "fish", "eueueue" is "hello" (when talking on a phone). "ah ya ya" seems to be"I love you" in response to me telling him I love him. etc

He runs up to us and gives us the biggest hugs - wrapping his arms around our legs and looking up and smiling.

He can do kisses - but is very sparse with them - he really isn't a very cuddly kid.

He is very artistic. He loves doing artwork at daycare and they say he holds his paint brush or sponge brush perfectly and sits quietly concentrating on his art for ages at a time.

He hates me being at the computer and pinches the mouse at every opportunity.

He loves tv and gets the remote and presses buttons to change channels lol. He works everything out really quickly.

He loves to build things with his blocks and can sit quietly for ages putting blocks on top of each other.

He just is continually amazing me, day after day.

Personally things have been a little tough. I won't go into it but let me just say some money and a new husband would certainly improve things lol.

I will leave you with a few of my favorite recent pics.

New videos are up on Youtube as well - You can find them here--> http://au.youtube.com/user/bugsy1970au

p.s. if you want to add me as a friend on facebook send me your email addy for facebook and i will add you (i will tell you that this is bugsy when i do so you know who i am).

A tired little man:

OK - so maybe , just maybe he does have a little bit of red in his hair:
My current favorite pic - Alex and I :
My cheeky boy! He loves this cap and can put it on himself. Actually he loves hats and shoes.

A picture from today that just makes me smile:
What a poser!
Take care all.

Ever wonder?

2008-09-29T19:18:00.002+10:00

Have you ever wondered what IT people do during the day, when you are between tasks and every second person that contacts you seems to be "missing a few sheep in the top paddock", if you know what I mean?

Well - we play with toys.

Here are the toys on my desk - doing a conga line.
and those naughty boy bees trying to "upskirt" wonder woman - (if you know, she was wearing a skirt).

ok - I know - i need a life.

Hope you are all well.

still alive - barely

2008-09-18T22:53:00.003+10:00

Hi everyone,

I haven't posted in a while and there are lots of reasons for that. I guess the biggest reason is that i haven't really felt like "sharing". Life is full of twists and turns and not all of them are pleasant scenic spots that you want to send postcards from. Lately our "laneways of life" are littered with broken glass and i just can't cope with facing all my demons just yet.

Plus i have been sick, plus Alex has been sick, plus nobody ever reads this anymore anyway, .... blah blah blah.

Lots of excuses, bah humbug.

Just be assured that essentially all is okay. Alex and i have had a virus - a lovely nasty one that has flu like symptoms along with ear and eye infections. Alex recovered quickly. I am still struggling three weeks later with limited hearing and eyes that are still sore. it sucks. it could be worse. i will get over it.

On the 31st August at my mother in law's 64th birthday party, Alex stood up and walked to his Nana. Talk about showboating. Nana of course was thrilled.

Every day since his confidence in walking has grown and now he prefers to walk than to do anything else. He can take 40 steps in a row, all on his own now and is almost to running stage. Of course, getting him to stay in his pram now is hopeless. We walk , at toddler pace, through the shopping centres and supermarkets. oh well. It is beautiful to see him walking. And of course, to see him so happy and proud of himself.

Videos of Alex are up on YouTube for your viewing pleasure - including a few of him walking. The can be seen here. Enjoy

And of course some photos:

Alex with his daddy at the shop (oh how he loves his Daddy - luckily the feeling is mutual) :

Alex laughing with his mummy - I like to call this shot : "Take your top off mum - might attack more customers!":

and finally one of me with my little man.

I'm very proud of you darling! I have a toddler!

Toddler alert - Toddler Alert!

You know you are exhausted when......

2008-08-29T22:45:00.003+10:00

You know you are totally exhausted when:

1) You don't shower for two days or wash your hair for three days and still go to work that way
2) You go to work with a stain on your tshirt and don't realise for hours
3) It gets to midday before you notice you have toothpaste across your cheek.
4) You send your son to daycare with his pants on backwards and only notice when you hand him over.
5) You have so many coffees before 10am that you can feel your heart leaping out of your chest.
6) You get to bed before midnight one night and consider the 6 hours sleep you then got was totally luxurious.
7) You say "thank god it's friday" in a lift full of workmates, only for someone to remind you it is Wednesday.
8) You go to eat the meal you just cooked, hold your cutlery to eat, and can't figure out what is wrong - then you finally get it and have to take a picture of it for your blog:

But the tiredness fades away when you come home to your amazing little man:
(pictured here at his best mate Jesse's 1st Birthday bash)

Happy 1st Birthday Jesse!
It has been so much fun sharing this last year with you.

Can i go to sleep now?

1 year old today!

2008-08-10T18:12:00.006+10:00

My baby boy is 1 year old today. This time last year i was cradling him in my arms, during the precious moments they let me touch him while he was in special care.

This time last year I knew my life had changed forever, but I really had no idea just how much it had changed.

This time last year i thought my dreams had all come true - little did I know it would get better than i had ever dreamed of.

1 year old today.

Alex had a lovely birthday - he couldn't believe all the new things he got to play with.

Daddy and Mummy bought him a learning car and he couldn't wait for daddy to unpack it and put it together.

But once it was together he knew exactly what to do with it.

Apparently it is heaps of fun.
The ever lovely Katt gave him (amongst some awesome clothing) a hand made lil devil hat. Mummy loves it as he can't easily get it off (and he is always pulling his hats off) but Alex wasn't that keen on it lol: She sells lovely hand made items on her etsy site (here)
Auntie and Uncle also bought him a block wagon that he adores. Then he worked out he could play with both at once - and he was a happy boy then.

We had lunch today with friends and family. Alex's best mate Jesse was there to help him celebrate - they enjoyed their time together:

Until Alex decided he wanted both toys - poor Jesse!

I am happy with the cake we got - it tasted divine.

Of course we got a pic of Mummy, Daddy and our 1 year old son, Alex.

Did I mention that he loved the cake?

Last week I asked Hubbs "Is he everything you expected?" - he said "Nope - he is so much more, and better than i ever dreamed". Wow

Happy Birthday darling boy. Mummy and Daddy love you more than anything in the world.

6 things

2008-08-09T11:40:00.002+10:00

i have been tagged by muser

Here are the rules …
1. Link to the person who “tagged” you.
2. Post the rules on your blog.
3. Write six random things about yourself.
4. Tag six people at the end of your post.
5. Let each person know that they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.
6. Let the tagger know your entry is up.

–

I have never bought paper napkins - any time we are out and have some sort of take away, they always give you too many and I diligently take them home and add the spares to my stash - that is what we use if we want to use one at home.
I have been known to just eat a big bowl of steamed cauliflower with a home made cheese sauce for dinner.
I went to high school with Damian Walshe-Howling We even acted together in the school play. I remember how he was as wonderful a person as he is an actor (and equally as sexy). He is definately one of those people that is beautiful inside and out.
I can wiggle my nose several different ways and always do it when i am stressed. It has been known to really freak people out. (kids love it though)
I am really short - less than 5 ft tall.
I still can't used to people calling me "mummy" - I look around wondering who they are talking to. (eg "is mummy okay with you having that piece of apple to eat?"

not tagging anyone - but go do it anyway and let me know if you do.

sick, sick sick, so we went to the doctors quick quick quick

2008-08-04T20:27:00.004+10:00

We are sick - again.

Alex has been on antibiotics for ear infections both ears, and he finished them on Thursday. Saturday he started with the runny nose, Sunday he started pulling his ears, and today it was back to the doctor and more antibiotics. Poor little man is sooo unhappy.

Hubbs has been sick with it for about a week now and today I got hit with it - as the day progressed i got sicker and sicker. Not fun

I just want him to be well enough to enjoy his birthday - which is fast approaching us. In fact, there is only 6 more sleeps (18 for Alex if you count his two day sleeps as well), until my little man turns 1.

1! Can you believe it?

Every Thursday we do our grocery shopping. Every week the lovely lady in the deli asks after Alex, cooing at how much he has grown and he smiles back at her, happy to have someone's attention. Last Thursday we went to do our shopping as usual, and it was too much for little man to cope with. He fell asleep on the job. While we were taking the picture, they were boarding up the local Starbucks while the staff stood nearby watching them , their boxes of personal items at their feet.

That's Alex in his trolley cover in the front seat of the trolley.

I think we are prepared for his birthday. After reviewing kiddy play centres, etc, we decided that the only babies who would be there are Alex, his buddy Jesse and new baby Thomas (more on that below) so we decided to go to the pub instead (ok family bistro attached to the pub, but "the pub" sounded better).

And now very very exciting news. Remember my friend Jobie? Well she had her baby boy last Monday. Please Meet Thomas James : (Happy 1 week old Thomas!).

That's yours truly getting a very lovely cuddle with the new arrival - ooooohhhhh he is soooo gorgeous, i seriously wanted to sneak him off the building and hurry home with him - but his Mum and Dad wanted to keep him for themselves instead (Mean huh!).
Alex looks positively gigantic compared to baby Thomas.
(That is Hubbs holding Alex).

I wanna another baby!.

I need Jobie to send me a picture of her and her hubby with baby Thomas - we need a family pic I think.

p.s. I very nearly drove over there yesterday for a cuddle. He is soooo cute. Isn't he cute?

Jobie was very nicely over a week overdue, so i actually had a chance to finish the surprise pressie i was making for her.

Here it is - A blankie very similar to Alex's one! Of course this one is better than his - Every colored square is patterned, and every corner is "baby feet" - every other patterned square is unique - no duplicates like Alex's one.

Here is a close up of some of the new patterns I added:

I also changed the way I sewed up the blankie. Alex's one you can't see the seams but at times the weight of itself makes the seams seem a bit weak. So instead, this one I experimented with making a feature of the seams and I loved how it ended up - it was so much stronger too.

I love that I can make something very special to give to a couple who I know will appreciate it. I do hope you love it Jobie, and that Thomas enjoys using it as well. That is one cute little man you have there! Well done girl.

It's all in the name

2008-07-28T21:24:00.004+10:00

Alexander my darling son - if you are reading this in say 10 years or so, and think you have a crappy name and wonder why we called you this boring average name - then read the article below. We could have named you "bruno the stripper" , "doggy doo doo that the doggy doo doos", "bake for 2hrs at 180degrees", "Express train to Flinders street" or "100 green bottles". But no - my little love, we named you Alexander after the wonderful people who lived next door to mummy when she was growing up - that was their surname and they were like grandparents to Mummy.

So read on and remember how lucky you are!

"Judge changes girl's ridiculous name

From correspondents in Wellington

July 25, 2008 01:03pm

Article from: Reuters

A YOUNG girl embarrassed by her name - "Talula Does the Hula from Hawaii" - has won a new one from a family court judge in New Zealand.

Family Court Judge Rob Murfitt, ruling in the city of New Plymouth in the North Island, made the youngster a ward of court so that she could change the name she hates.

Judge Murfitt, in a written ruling released yesterday, said the girl's mother had not given any thought to the implication of naming her daughter.

"In all facets of life, a child bearing this name would be held up to ridicule and suspicion," Judge Murfitt wrote in the ruling made in February.

"The court is profoundly concerned about the very poor judgment which this child's parents have shown in choosing this name for her. It makes a fool of the child and sets her up with a social disability and handicap quite unnecessarily."

The name issue arose during a custody hearing for the girl.

Judge Murfitt also took a stand against other parents saddling their children with bizarre names despite officials often trying to talk them out of unusual choices, saying this could create "social hurdles" as they grew up.

He cited as examples a family who named their children after six-cylinder Ford cars, twins called Benson and Hedges and youngsters called Midnight Chardonnay, Number 16 Bus Shelter and Violence.

"Quite frequently judges in the family court are dismayed by the eccentricity of names which some litigants have given their children," he wrote.

New Zealand's Child, Youth and Family agency was quoted as telling local reporters that it did not consider odd names as such to be child abuse although it could be classified as such if a child was bullied because of his or her name.

In Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii's case, there was no bullying, probably because the girl was so embarrassed that she never told friends her real name, instead calling herself "K".

Judge Murfitt gave the girl a new name but it was not made public in order to protect her privacy.

The custody case was also resolved."

Back at work

2008-07-26T20:04:00.003+10:00

I started work full time this week. It's hard. Really really hard. I have to get Alex to daycare before 8am so i can get to work on time and getting everything organised for us all is a bit of a struggle.

But I am getting there. The first couple of days i cried all the way to work, if not for sheer exhaustion then definately for leaving my crying baby at daycare. Boy is that hard!

Alex is settling in well at daycare though, and truth be known, before the car is started, he has already stopped crying and has started playing. They love him and tell me all the time what a great little man he is. He is blossoming there.

But i have seen some things that upset me. Teddy blankie has changed from being something he likes to cuddle at bedtime to an object he has to have with him at all times. A real security blanket. It worries me that he needs it but I am trying to not get upset about it. At home he carries it around a little but soon forgets it.

He has been continually sick since his second day. he got a cold which became ear infections in both ears and an upper respiratory infection and has had to be on antibiotics for a week now. He is very slowly getting better.

One great thing is that they have a doctor visit the daycare centre every monday and you can get her to see your baby if you have anything you are concerned about or for immunisations etc. She is great with babies and children - they love her. She also bulk bills which is really good. So she is going to check him again this Monday to make sure he is on the improve. Poor little man.

He also finds it difficult in the mornings when he wants to continue sleeping and Mean Mummy picks him up, dresses and changes him and puts him in the car with his bottle. The look on his face shows how he just doesn't understand what is going on.

I found the first few days at work a bit of a challenge too - after all it has been a year since i looked at all this stuff and the cobwebs have definately built up. I am back at my old desk and all my stuff is still there, including pens etc. Bit freaky really. But Friday saw me thrown in the deep end with the girl who was doing my job calling in sick and not one but three major disasters occuring during the day that I had to immediately respond to. Something happened and I remembered things i had forgotten. I got them all fixed, in a timely manner and with appropriate notification. My new boss was really happy when I told him exactly what the issues were and how they should be fixed a full two hours before the professionals could diagnose it. I was so busy i never even had time to drink a glass of water, cup of coffee or even have lunch. And you know what? I loved every second of it.

I felt like my brain has been switched on! And bonus - at the end of the day i get to go pick up my amazing son and we play and laugh and cuddle.

I still count the hours to picking up Alex from the moment i get to work, but I enjoy being at work too. It sure helps.

Alex is gearing up for his first birthday. One of the things he decided to do the other morning was read up on what big kids are doing:

hehe what he did was put his hands through the bars and pull in all the books he could get out of the bookcase at the end of his bed. Cheeky bugger.

On the weekends we enjoy a leisurely breakfast where Alex adores his vegemite toast! Yummmm

Hope you are all doing well - take care all.

Alex's first big day

2008-07-14T21:11:00.003+10:00

It's not his first day of school but it is just as momentus for Mum. (oh and for Alex as well).

Alex started Daycare today. I go back to work next week full time and Alex is going into a really nice daycare centre half way between home and my work. So to ease me (i mean Alex) into it, I started him this week at half days .

Today was his very first day there.

Alex coped really well.

Mum didn't do so well.

Does it get easier?

my little lumberjack

2008-07-14T20:57:00.002+10:00

It's cold in Melbourne - blooming, bone numbing, about to snow any second cold (okay so i am exaggerating a little as it has never, to my knowledge, snowed here), but it is still cold.

So with much excitement we have started using the flannelette lumberjack shirts that Alex has. I love them. I love him wearing them. I think he looks like such a cute little man wearing his shirts. And as a bonus they keep him really warm.

He is growing so fast.

So very very fast.

Do you think he has too many toys? The other day he grabbed a good deal of his toys out of his toybox and distributed them over the floor. Can you see Alex? He is the one in the top middle. lol Lost amongst his toys.

My turtle

2008-07-08T17:56:00.004+10:00

Remember when Alex was first born and we let him sleep in his bouncer?

Just in case you forgot - here he is as a newborn in his bouncer:

Well almost 11 months later and he still uses the bouncer. He sleeps in it, drinks his milk in it and just lounges around sometimes sitting in it. Except now he can stand up in it. We still buckle him in for safety but now he just becomes our little turtle with his bouncer on his back:

Isn't he gorgeous? (ok I am not biased much - honest!) lol.: My little thinker:

Mummy loves you sweet pea. You are just amazing!

Let's be different

2008-07-08T17:22:00.004+10:00

We're home from our little holiday at my sisters. It was lovely even though it rained every day, the toilet was on the brink most of the time and there was hardly any water for a shower. Oh and first Alex and then I got sick. Still it was nice.

My sister has a number of dogs. I have kinda lost count but I think there are six dogs that are their dogs, 1 that they were finding a home for and about 10 or so they were boarding at the time.

While we were there, only the two smallest dogs were allowed in the house as the others were just too big and I was worried about them being with Alex. As it was, I even watched him carefully around the two little ones.

The smallest pup is a 5 month old Cavalier king charles cross called "Smidge". Smidge was the runt of the litter and is sooo tiny. He is adorable though and both Alex and I fell in love with him. The feeling was mutual and Smidge never left Alex's side. He even scratched at our bedroom door to come in and sleep on the floor beside the cot. Unfortunately they wouldn't let us bring Smidge home with us, or he just might have come to stay! (Dan - you would LOVE Smidge)

Here are some pictures of Alex with "his" puppy:

But as I said - we both got sick. 3 days before we went to my sisters we went and played at a play centre. Alex had a ball there but we apparently left with more than we came with. The day before we went on holidays Alex had a fever and was crying all day.

We went to our friend Jobie's baby shower (which was awesome by the way), thinking that Alex just was teething. He got worse there and cried all day. I struggled to get food or even milk or water into him. He seemed to be okay that night so next morning we packed the car and left.

He cried all that day and hardly ate or drank - but we also noticed he started to develop blisters on his hands. I thought it was just part of teething - seeing as his hands are constantly in his mouth. I thought the constant wetness was just giving him a bit of a rash.

The next day he was slightly better and started eating and drinking more. We thought he was settling in better. Each day he got better and better.

But then I got the worse sore throat. Then aches, pains and hot/cold shivers. I thought i was getting a cold. Until I started getting blisters on my hands.

Alex and I both ended up getting blisters on our hands, feet and in our mouths. Dr Google suggested we had hand-foot-mouth disease. We fitted the profile exactly.

So off to the doctors we went - Confirmed diagnosis as suspected. The doc was amazed as apparently it is quite rare to see it, and she said it rarely occurs in adults. Go figure!

She assured me we would both be okay and that our dear friend Jobie would not be at risk (which I was worried about as she is 38 weeks pregnant).

Alex is almost over it now and I am still struggling through it (i seemed to cop it worse than Alex did).

Here is a picture of his hand when it had the blisters:

Back with another pic that i just have to share cause it is so cute.

One in a million

2008-06-28T10:11:00.005+10:00

We are still alive! Honest we are.

We have spent the entire week at the shop, as Hubbs had a work experience girl there and we went to help out - it was good and she was a great kid, but it was very tiring.

There have actually been a lot of reasons i haven't been blogging. I have issues that are pretty big for us at the moment, and it just didn't feel right blogging about them. Mostly they are money related - life isn't about money but it sure makes it hard when the money starts running low.

I go back to work in about 3 weeks, so next week i am spending the entire week at my sisters in the country - yay! It will be great for Alex and I to get away for a bit before the mayhem of working full time hits us.

I have also been deeply affected by the amount of news reports on parents hurting their babies. The twins that were found dead from malnutrition hit me hard. I found out their names and there are still pictures of them online (if you know where to look) - not pictures of them now of course, but pictures of them as newborns and up to 7 months old. They were happy, healthy and very loved. So what happened?

That hasn't been the only case of neglect, murder or abuse lately - every night the news seems to have yet another case and it is damn depressing.

Please i urge you - if you find yourself having thoughts you know are wrong; if you find yourself surprised that you smacked your child harder than you intended (or just surprised you smacked them at all); if you think there is nobody to talk to - nobody that can help, Please PLEASE speak out - contact someone - anyone. Contact everyone if you have to. Eventually someone is going to listen to you and then you won't be alone again. Please don't go through major things alone.

Alex is doing wonderfully well. He is of course, looming up to 11 months of age (thanks Katt - i fixed the ticker). He is incredible. He now has 6 teeth. He occassionally says Dada but flatly refuses to say Mama. He is showing signs of independence already, happily playing with other kids at playgroup, without hardly a look back at Mum. He is crawling everywhere, pulling himself up to standing on everything and everyone, and yesterday he started letting go and standing on his own for a second or two (then he realised he wasn't holding on and grabbed for the closest thing to hold on to).

My mother in law is yoyoing. She came out of hospital after 6 electroconvulsive therapy treatments a happy vibrant woman who immediately went on a shopping spree and increased her household from 2 cats and a dog to 3 cats, 2 dogs, 5 budgies, 4 canaries and a fish. We are really peeved about them getting the dog and the cat as it is seriously the last thing they need. The dog is a pup and not housetrained and is peeing everywhere and destroying everything - they are seriously too old to cope with him. He will never have any obedience training or anything. She then went and completely cancelled all the arrangements i had set up for them - the cleaner, the help with showering her husband, the meals being delivered - everything.

We have been to visit her once and i won't be returning with my son. It was putrid. We couldn't put Alex on the floor at all. The house stunk of pee. It was disgusting. The best room was the loungeroom - and even that stunk to high heaven. She told me it was because she had "just sprinkled pine-aclean around" but it wasn't what the room smelt of i can assure you. We stayed 30 minutes and finally had to leave as we were all feeling sick. Instead of going there I have been meeting her at shopping centres or inviting her to our place. It is the only option.

Anyhow, thank you Lesley, Net and Rachel for checking up on me. We are okay. Jac - i got his tigger outfit from Target.

To finish off - some new pictures of my "one in a million" boy: (check out his top, the teeth and the smile! hehe)

There was a Tigger in my house....

2008-06-06T11:50:00.005+10:00

He wasn't always a happy Tigger:

But he tried to remain happy and played in his forest of toys:

He crept through the toy jungle (growl, growl):

And tried blending into the trees as he stalked his prey...:
Sometimes he just sat very very still:

And sometimes he made quite a racket:

Tiggers love creeping through the jungle:

But they are not sure they like close ups:

Can you see the Tigger? He is hiding:

Caught you! This Tigger has been well and truly spotted (or is that striped?):

Finally - an update on all things Bugsy Part 1

2008-05-31T14:15:00.004+10:00

Well - where do I begin?

Let's start with Alex.

So much has changed with my little Man . 1 week after getting his third tooth, the 4th broke though and 3 and 4 have come down soooo quickly they are nearly as big as 1 and 2 already!

1 week ago today he decided to crawl ! (see video) Very tentative at first but he is getting faster by the day. The very next day he started pulling himself up on furniture. Yesterday he started taking steps around a table. Today he has figured out how to go to a sitting position to play with toys, then go back to crawling. Every day the changes are immense. How can he change so quickly on me?

He is now eating really well, including being able to pick up and eat slices of banana, rice cakes and sultanas. He loves his food. The only stuff we have found that doesn't seem to agree with him is tomatoes. After eating one of the heinz variety meals he was unsettled for a couple of hours and then threw up absolutely everywhere. It was a complete change in bedding and a bath for bubba! When i looked at the jar it had 54% tomatoes. It doesn't surprise me as Hubbs is allergic to tomatoes. It will just have to be something i will have to look out for in the future.

He totally surprised Hubbs this morning by getting one of his toys that has a string to pull the toy along with and pushing the toy back and pulling it forward with the string. 1 week ago he thought the string was just another great thing to chew on.

MIL - My mother in law is out of hospital after finishing her 6th ECT (Electroconvulsive therapy) session. Despite initially being a little hostile ("why wouldn't i drive where ever i wanted?" (ummm cause for the last three months you have been scared of the car?)) she is now happy, bubbly and almost back to herself. I say "almost" because we have seen some behaviour in her that does have us worried. Behaviour that started when she started getting sick. For example she is back to spending big. She bought herself 8 different sets of expensive perfume gift sets - eight! She then spent another $55 to buy me an Oscar de la renta gift set (price was still on it when she gave it to me (i told her to keep it for my birthday)). She bought Alex a new sleeping bag and a cute pair of socks. She came to the shop and wanted to buy bird cages (2 of them) and 2 different fish tanks and it took Hubbs and i ages to talk her out of it. In the end Hubbs gave her a small bowl with a fish in it at cost, just to make her happy. We went for a walk to the fish and chip shop and we passed a newsagency and she bought a magazine that had an envelope on it that may or may not contain money (like 1 in 40,000 contain money and the rest say "sorry, you can enter the second chance draw"). 20 mins later she pops out of our shop again for a minute and she has gone to buy a second magazine (still no money).

So we are still worried about her but hope she is on the road to recovery and the money spending settles down.

I think that will do for a bit of an update for the moment as i have a migraine today and my brain does not want to think any further (this post took me two days to write - i kept saving it as a draft and coming back to it).

Pictures of Alex (of course):
A very happy little boy sitting playing:

A close up of my little man dribbling in his high chair:

The picture of innocence : (haha as if).

Happy weekend to you all.

Couple abandons "wrong sex" babies

2008-05-30T12:03:00.005+10:00

Update on the update: after reading several other articles about this it seems that the couple did walk away from their beautiful babies, only to reappear two weeks later when the media started making a big deal about it. The husband's son from his first marriage has also appeared to defend them. I still think it is wrong on lots of levels.

Update (thanks Suzi): seems this story might be complete bollacks! Well everything is probably true except for the parents abandoning them - that doesn't seem to be true at all. Gee - And i thought everything I read on the internet was always true! I am sooo naive!

This is just incredibly wrong in so many ways. Check out how old they are! OMG i so want to love those babies.

"HOSPITAL workers in Britain were left stunned after a couple reportedly abandoned IVF twin girls immediately after giving birth because they weren't boys.

The couple of Indian heritage but who live as British citizens in the city of Birmingham told medical staff directly after the Caesarean section delivery they weren't going to accept the girls as they were the "wrong sex", UK tabloid The Sun reported.

The husband even reportedly asked staff at New Cross Hospital in Wolverhampton how soon his wife would be fit enough to fly to India to have renewed fertility treatment in an attempt to have boys to carry on the family name.

The couple had undergone IVF treatment in India because with the mother aged 59 and the father a 72-year-old they were deemed too old to undergo the procedure in Britain.

The Sun quotes a source at the hospital as saying: “Everyone is utterly appalled. How could any parent do this?

“This is Britain in the 21st century.

“But they just weren’t prepared to raise these two beautiful girls.”

Female babies are often abandoned and sometimes left for dead or killed in India by traditional families who only value male offspring.

Following the discharge of the mother, who ignored medical advice that she should rest in hospital, the babies have been transferred to another hospital in Birmingham where they have received no visitors.

British authorities have told The Sun they are investigating the matter"

Confusion reigns

2008-05-13T11:44:00.002+10:00

As you know my mother in law has been battling with depression and anxiety for a few months now and has steadily (and rather rapidly) gotten worse. 2 weeks ago tomorrow I took her into a private hospital, where she has remained. Nothing they have seemed to do has helped her - in fact since being in there she has seemed to get worse. Being scared of even something as small as going to the toilet. Some days she had to call me to be talked into going to the toilet - very very sad.

The doctors have been trying to talk her into doing ECT (Electroconvulsive therapy) which is quite a scary prospect (given it's history). She told the doctor to call me - that it would be my decision. I got really upset at that because I do not want to make any decision like that for her. I told her I would do as much research as I could and give her my opinion. But that the actual decision would be hers.

I gave her all the information I could find, and she spoke to 2 doctors and yesterday she told me that she had given her approval for the treatments and she was starting today. Very scary stuff.

Sunday we went to see her and a new part of her illness had manifested. She had anger. Poor Hubbs was sitting there, quiet as a mouse and she turned to him and angrily said "You are just like the others - you look at me and think there is nothing wrong, but there is on the inside". I gave a little laugh (i think because it was so out of character for her) and she turned to me and said in the same voice "what are you laughing at?". So I told her that I was just shocked that she had attacked her son, when he hadn't said or done anything to warrant it. She smiled then and said "oh yes, i suppose. I just thought that was what he was thinking". Very scary to see her not the happy person she used to be.

So it was with a breaking heart today that I received a phone call from her - a very confused woman. She said "they told me I have had some sort of treatment, but I don't remember anything." She didn't understand why she was in the hospital, or what was wrong with her. She couldn't remember where the bathroom was there or where her things were. She remembered that she saw her son from Sydney recently but was shocked when i told her that was about a month ago. She couldn't remember when she had seen us last (Sunday) and she never remembered giving her consent to the treatments. She remembered asking her husband to bring in a nail file for her, but doesn't remember him coming in - even though she can see the nail file in front of her. It took me ages to settle her down.

I think it is going to be a long journey for all of us. I just hope she arrives at her destination a little of the person she used to be. I miss that person.

It has always been a little joke between us that I would say that I married Hubbs because of his Mum. She asked me today if I regretting marring Hubbs to take on her and her illness. I told her I don't regret any of it and I would do it all again if I was given the chance. I do hope she is okay.

I will finish this post on a lighter note - Pictures of Alex at the shop.

Sitting up happily on the floor:
Flaked out after what looks like a really good party - notice the discarded bottle, and the frog.

A close up of him totally flaked out - I love the hat covering his eye. lol Poor tired little man.

Hope you are all well.

My first (real) Mother's Day

2008-05-11T18:10:00.002+10:00

Whilst I have felt for years that I was a Mother already, and I always counted my lost babies as my babies, and felt that made me a Mum already, this year I have a living, breathing, drooling baby which enables me to have my very first Real Mother's Day!

I was woken at 8am by my brother who decided if Alex was too young to wake me early on Mother's day then it was his duty to help him out. Happy mother's day!

Hubbs, never one to be prepared rushed out in the middle of the night to go to 24 hour kmart to get me a mother's day card and pressie. I got two lovely cards (one from him), a pot plant (as I have killed most of my indoor plants since alex was born), a huge cup with "one gifted mum" on it, filled with marshmallows, hot choc mix and biscuits, and a nice box of chocolates.

I then decided to go shopping, and whilst out Alex got a balloon, which he was pretty excited about:

On the spur of the moment I decided to get some flowers and take them to my Mum. I am ashamed to admit that I had been meaning for some time to take Alex to meet my parents but just kept delaying it. So it was a good push. Plus the cemetary is about 5 mins drive from the shops, so it was just the push i needed. Springvale cemetary, if you have never been is huge! It is like a city and has just as many streets. I thought i would never find my parents, especially since I went in a different entrance to where I normally enter. Everything had changed so much since I went last. But a very strange thing happened. I was driving down one of the streets and suddenly i felt compelled to pull over. I thought "it is right here". So i stopped the car, got Alex out, the flowers and a rug and walked over the lawn right to my parents. I didn't even have to look around - it was right in front of me. And it isn't near a road or anything, so that was pretty amazing.

I put the rug down and Alex and I sat there and chatted to my parents. I cleaned their plaque, put the flowers into the vase, and told them about Alex.

I told them how it felt wrong to be introducing them because I have felt like they have been with him all the time anyway, like they sent him to me and have stayed with him protecting him since.

Alex was an angel - he sat there while I babbled. He let me cuddle him and cry. He then turned and gave me the biggest smile - what a sweetie. I was so proud of him.

I took some pictures of him with my parents.

Alex sitting in front of my parents plaque (with the flowers).

Alex looking at their plaque - Hi Nana - Hi Pop

When I got home I emailed Hubbs the pictures. Tonight he came home and we went to visit his mum in the hospital. She is a little better in some ways but worse in others. They are still discussing what treatment to give her.

On the way home Hubbs said to me "you know, I am really proud of you going to see your parents today. I know how hard it is for you to go there - how much it upsets you. But I want Alex to know them as much as we can tell him and to go visit them too. I am very proud of you" Which is very sweet of him.

So a very happy Mother's day to you all - whether you are already a mum, a mum to be (Jobie!) or a Mum in your own heart.

I will finish with a family shot for you:

Episode 234: Can life get any worse?

2008-05-07T19:51:00.004+10:00

I'm afraid this isn't a very happy post. Things are quite stressful at Casa La Bugsy.

Let me give you a run down.

* Our shop got robbed today. Thankfully Hubbs is okay, but we are about $300 out of pocket - the robber has no idea what he has just done to us. When you are close to the edge already, the last thing you need is someone to invade your safe haven and hurt you and your family. I cannot tell you how upset both Hubbs and I are. It isn't just about the money which we desperately need with no other income coming in and lots of bills to pay. If you have ever been robbed you will understand what I mean. The police said that a man of his description has been reported doing lots of little robberies - whether it is just purchasing food and not paying for it or doing till dashes like what happened to us. Of course the amount is too small to worry about putting against insurance and we are unlikely to ever see it again from the police nabbing the guy.

* Mum in law is worse. She has gone way downhill to the point where she has stopped eating and they may have to start tube feeding her if she doesn't start eating soon. She called me yesterday as she was too scared to go to the toilet and i had to talk her up to going. She is stressing about bills at home (despite her step-son saying that the bills are all under control and all have been paid). She is terrified of even leaving her room there. The doctor wants her to consider doing electroconvulsive therapy (ECT). She told the doctor to call me as it would be my decision - What? It sure isn't my decision. I told her I was happy to discuss the pros and cons with her and her doctor but I couldn't make the decision whether to do it or not. She is the only one that can do that. Her step-son is saying that he can only be looking after her hubby (his dad) for another week and then we will have to have a family conference about what to do with him (I couldn't care less what they do with him - i want nothing to do with that decision).

* I still haven't gone to have the cat scan i am supposed to get of my back and yes it is still bad. I just don't know what to do with Alex. 2 of the mums from mums group have offered to look after him - now i am worried if i let one care for him that i might offend the other one. i just can't deal with that at the moment as well.

* I want to end this post with some good stuff - Alex and i went to visit one of the other mums from mums group and her daughter "E". "E" and Alex get along really well - aren't they cute together?

I was going to show you a really cute tooshie picture I took of Alex but after just watching Montel who featured a show about sex offenders I decided not to show you. Email me if you want to see it though and I will send it to you privately (if i know and trust you that is). lol

* Since Mum in law has been in hospital i have gotten a lot of things done though which is excellent. I have cleaned up heaps of the house which really makes me happy. i can actually see a difference. I have also done heaps of knitting in my super secret pressie and I am now over 50% of the way through it. Yay! I have also had time to do things like shower, and cut my toe nails, and cook food for Alex (there goes me collecting enough Heinz baby food tokens to actually get anything from that campaign). I have even had time to do crazy stuff like cook meals for Hubbs and I. We have even had breakfast every day in the last week!

Speaking of which - i'd better go cook dinner if we are going to have some tonight.
Catch you all later.

My little starfish

2008-05-03T14:53:00.003+10:00

It has been bloody cold here lately. I mean, bone chilling , want to hide under the doona cold. So because I had to do things like take Alex out into the cold to take Mum in law to hospital - things that could not be avoided, Hubbs and I went out and bought him a parka. The smallest size I could get was size 1, and that was fine with me because he is in size 0 now, and hopefully a size 1 will see him right through this winter. The parka is big on him and we have to roll the sleeves up and try to find his hands. It is well padded, and when it is on him he reminds me of a starfish, as he can hardly move. His Auntie also bought him a hat that does up under his chin and isn't easily removed. All this makes mumma happy but Alex isn't exactly impressed with his added layers.
It's a bob the builder parka - isn't it cute? It also has a detachable hood that you can't see in the picture. My poor little starfish.

Mum in law update: she is doing okay in the hospital - she has even called me less so i have been able to have a little bit of a break, which has rather felt like a bit of a mini holiday (yeah I know - i really need a life). She desperately wants to go home and i hope she doesn't as i have done my best to encourage her to stay.

I was rather taken aback yesterday when i emailed her other son in Sydney to give him his Mum's direct phone number (he only had the ward number), and got an email back from his wife that basically said that they had no intention of calling her as they didn't really want to be bothered by her negative attitude. Ummmmm yeah that is really going to help her - NOT. Nice to have family support isn't it.

Anyway, I just hope that she is getting the help she needs so dearly and I will still call her and still visit her - I am not going to abandon her.

I went to the doctors and have had some tests that i still don't have any results for. I also have to go to get a cat scan on my back and some blood tests for arthritis. My sister has arthritis throughout her body and the doctor suspects that I might have the same problem which is causing both my pain when i try to go to the loo, and the pain i have had in my hips and legs since before Alex was born. It makes sense, but i really don't want arthritis this early in my life. Anyhow, I won't worry about it until after all my tests. Who knows - it might be nothing at all.

ok back to my knitting which i am pleased to say i have actually been able to do a fair bit of today - yay.

and now a little something for me

2008-05-01T16:02:00.003+10:00

When my buddy Katt showed me her latest jewellery creations that she was about to list on her etsy store I jumped up and down and made her sell them to me first. Poor lass had to go make some more to put on her shop.

Aren't they adorable! I got two sets of Green Marble Oval earrings - one for me and one to give to my sister. Talk about pretty.

And this lovely set of Purple marble oval earrings as well.

They are beautifully hand created by Katt, and set on silver earrings.

If you get a chance go check out the items in Katt's store - www.kattwings.etsy.com

Not only does she sell earrings but you can often find necklaces on there (and she tells me bracelets are coming) and delicious hand dyed sock yarn, hand dyed alpaca, and other hand dyed yarn, beautiful knitted items like baby pants, and children and adults hats, and she has two of her own created patterns for socks for sale.

But wait - there's more - her prices are stupidly ridiculously low. (so get in quick before she wises up that she is too cheap).

Seriously - if i had some money i would go wild here. I love all her wonderful creations.

did you get the store name? It's Katt's Woolly Wonders.

Go there now - i command you.

ok so i am not so good at commanding, but please go check out her shop - she will love you for it.

Thanks.

Quick Question

2008-04-30T18:39:00.002+10:00

Be honest - Are you sick of hearing about my mother in law and all the hassles involved with that situation?

it's okay if you are - I just wondered. I am sure everyone is getting pretty blooming sick of hearing about it.

I would love to know. Please be honest, I can take it, and I will not judge anyone for saying they are.

Thanks guys,.

Getting and accepting the help you need

2008-04-30T14:48:00.003+10:00

I got up very early this morning, bundled Alex up and headed off to my mother in laws. I got there before 9am. She was worried and scared about going into the hospital. It was heartbreaking hearing her say all the way to the hospital "I'm scared" continuously. We didn't rush. She had breakfast before we went, and we sat down and relaxed a little, talking about what clothing she had packed and where everything was for the animals etc.

I took her there, and she got admitted. The hospital itself is lovely. It is a private hospital and the facilities and the staff (that i could see) were really lovely. She has a private room, with her own wardrobe (lockable), desk with make up mirror and chair, king size single bed, chairs and table set, another cupboard, visitors chairs and a tv. She also has a great view of the pretty church next door.

As soon as she walked in she started with "ohh this is such a horrible room" and "it is so much smaller than my last room here " "even the tray table that goes over the bed is smaller". etc etc. The room is about the size of a normal hotel room, it is definately not small and i could quite happily live there for some time. She keeps equating it to a prison cell. and the hospital as "the nuthouse". I have tried to get her thinking more positively about it , but it is hard.

After staying there about an hour, the doctor wanted to spend some time with Mum in law, so they suggested it was time for me to leave. Alex and i left, and headed for home. I cried all the way at having to leave her in such a place (as lovely as it is). i asked the staff whether I should refrain from visiting or calling - they said they encourage visitors and calls because it keeps the patients grounded that there is a world out there that they can fit into. Guess I am not off the hook.

On the way home, her husband's case manager called me - he has called and cancelled respite care. After all the help we have given him, after she has pulled strings to get him into emergency respite care. After she also took him there yesterday on a tour so he wouldn't be so scared of it. He has stubbornly kicked in his heels and refused to go there. A prior assessment of him had said that he is just not capable of being in the house on his own - it just isn't safe.

So i called in to see him and quite frankly i was very tough with him. His reason for not going was that the little dog would have to stay outside in the cold. Now I understand that is a concern and had offered to place the dog into a kennel where it would be cared for properly. I couldn't have the dog here - she is a totally blind 11 year old terrier who has never been housetrained. Quite frankly even the vet suggests that she should be put down. And i love dogs but i agree - this poor little dog has no life. So i yelled a bit, called him a stubborn old bastard, and told him that i would not be visiting him. I would not bring him food, or clean the house for him. Told him that i and several other people have bent over backwards to help him, and even the doctors have started refusing to help him in any way, based on his behaviour. Before i left he asked to say goodbye to Alex. I told him he didn't deserve to even see Alex and i just left. Boy am i angry with him.

I left, and went home and 2 of mum in law's neighbours have called me to dob on him still being there. Then mum in law called. She called home just to see if he had left and he answered and told her he wasn't going. She got really upset and he just said "don't worry, i'm fine". and hung up. She called me and she was so upset. Worried about him being there, worried about her house and whether his sons would come there and pinch all her things. She was saying "i guess i will have to go home and look after him as he can't be there by himself". It took me ages to convince her to stay, and to just completely forget about him.

I'm afraid my anger got the better of me and i called up her hubby and blasted him for stressing her out the way he has. I must have yelled for 10 minutes before letting him even get a word in. He won't be getting any help from me at all. You might think this is mean, but he can sit in that house and rot for all i care. yes I am very angry right now.

I told hubbs and he has also called him and abused him. I can't believe he is sooo selfish that he cannot do the one thing that he knows would make mum in law feel better.

She is now saying "i am redundant. he doesn't care. he doesn't need anyone but himself. I am useless. "

Frig that man angers me. Arrrrrghhhhhhhh

This post doesn't really deserve a lovely photo but i have one i wanted to show you - this is alex with his two cousins from Sydney that he met for the first time a couple of weeks back. Aren;t they beautiful kids? You know they are gorgeous in manner as well - polite, and sweet as pie. I am very proud to say they are part of our family.

p.s. Since i started writing this post i have had 7 phone calls from Mum in law.

Did I mention i am not having a break from her?

There's a bear in there!

2008-04-28T19:32:00.003+10:00

It's been another tough week (is there any other in this house?)

Once again my mother in law has been unwell (still i guess). She went downhill rapidly a few days ago . She saw a new psychiatrist who changed her meds a bit, and has encouraged her to go to hospital for a while to be monitored. She has totally resisted the hospital part - making up every excuse under the sun not to go. Favorites amongst her arguments for not going to hospital:

"but they don't have electric blankets on the beds and i really like my electric blanket".
"i don't like lining up for my meds"
"they serve meals at particular times and i like to choose when I eat"
"i'd be bored"
"what is going to happen to "insert hubby's name, pets, my washing, bills, etc here" ?"

But all her arguments are in vain because let's face it - she has tried getting better at home on her own and it just isn't working. Even though I got help in to shower her hubby, provide meals on wheels, clean the house, do their shopping, sort out medications, take them to appointments etc, (which they have tried to cancel several times because "they don't like strangers coming to their house"), even though she has seen GPs, psychologists and now psychiatrists, she just isn't getting any better. Even though i go down there a couple of times a week to take her out shopping, to cafe's , the library - wherever. Even though i make her favorite meals, clean stuff that the carers don't get to (like the 4 sinks worth of dishes i did on friday). Even though i answer the phone to her several times a day (the current record is 9 calls in a morning). Even though everyone is bending over backwards to help her - she just is NOT getting better!

The psychiatrist has said that she needs at least 2 weeks in the hospital. I agree.

The crunch came on Friday when Hubbs and i tried to spend the morning together as a family - a very infrequent thing when you have a business open 7 days a week. Being a public holiday, we had the chance to sleep in together, cuddle, eat meals together and play with Alex together. We were both really looking forward to it.

But early on, the calls started. By midday we had had 9 calls each lasting a minimum of 30 minutes. On the 9th call we ascertained that she had had nothing to drink, nothing to eat and was feeling dizzy from her meds. The locum GP had been to visit and told her to skip the next tablet if she was feeling ill, and she was asking us whether we thought she should take the next tablet or not. We told her logically that if she was taking them on an empty stomach they were likely to affect her more, and she should eat. She said "'hubby' won't feed me" which is crazy. It was getting stupid so i said to Hubbs "let's just pack Alex up and go over there".

So we did and when she answered the door to us she said (almost in a childlike gleeful voice) "ohhh I knew you would come". It was then i realised that she was really manipulating us and she had just won.

I took over 3 containers of home made soup - (so she could freeze two and eat one), and some fruit because she had told me she was out. (mind you - i called her the day before and asked her what groceries they needed, then gave her two hours to think about it and called her back and all she said was "milk"). We sat her down and made her eat some soup and drink a glass of water, and then she went back to bed.

I started doing all the dishes, and she kept calling me in a pitiful voice "bugsy,.... bugsy" and i would go in there and she would ask some inane question like "do you think i am going to get better?" and i would answer "of course you are - long as you do what the doctor says", then i would go back to the dishes until the next time she called out to me. This went on for about 3 hours and i was exhausted. Hubbs was looking after Alex and trying to talk some sense into her husband who was telling her she didn't need to go to hospital she just needed a new pet dog. (mainly cause he knows he can't stay in the house on his own and would have to go into respite). When we left i said to hubbs- "run, quick before she calls out for me again".

She hugged us all when we left and told us how much she loves us. Sad thing is that Hubbs told me that she never hugged him or his brother - ever. That was the first hug his mum has given him that he can ever remember. It is so sad to watch her degrading like this.

She has also started saying horrible things like "please just smother me with a pillow - i don't want to live like this". It breaks my heart to hear it.

So on Saturday her psychiatrist called me and said she MUST be admitted to the hospital, and i could call on monday and work out with them when she can go in. So since then i have been talking to her several times a day to convince her that she must go. i have spoken to her other son in Sydney, and her husband's two sons as well. They are all in agreeance with me. I have organised with the hospital when she is being admitted (Wednesday morning), and organised respite care for her husband. He is adamant he is not going but i have told him that he cannot be home on his own - it just isn't safe. I have entrusted his sons with getting him there (it shouldn't after all be all my problem to get him there as well), so he is supposed to go there Wednesday afternoon.

So Wednesday i have to get Alex up early, and get him ready to go, and be at mum in laws by around 8:30am, help her pack her bag because she doesn't have the brain power at the moment to pack, get her in the car and to the hospital by 10am and get her settled in there. I also have to organise with the neighbours to feed the animals (if they will, otherwise they might have to go to a cattery/kennel if i can get them in or i have to drive there (25 min drive each way) every day to feed them myself).

Then begins the days upon days of her begging me to pick her up, telling me how much she hates it there, and me trying to be strong and convince her to stay there to get well. i will have to visit a lot, which is hard with a baby, and this isn't really the sort of hospital i really want to take Alex to, but someone will have to visit her, bring her things, take her washing home and bring it back again etc.

It is going to kill me. If i can pull this off, i reckon i can do just about anything.

I have refuted all her arguments against going to the hospital - she said "you are getting pushy" I replied "I'm trying"

In other news - relations with Hubbs has been strained again. It is just all the stresses we have. But we are working through it and he closed the shop today so we could spend the day together - it was heavenly being together as a family (despite the phone calls from "you know who").

I am not well, but not really admitting it (i never said that - honest). I think i might have a kidney infection (but don't have time to deal with it so just really ignoring it). I am taking cranberry tablets and drinking cranberry juice and hopefully it will rectify itself. I have also pulled muscles in my shoulders and neck (probably from lifting boofer boy). Hubbs said I should go to the doctors (pfftt doctors smockters). I will look after myself once i have dealt with Mum in law.

Anyway, time for more pictures - Here is the little bear that invaded our home on Friday (since it has been blooming cold here in Melbourne lately - and he needed rugging up to go to visit his Nutty Nana)

Isn't he just the cutest little bear you have ever seen? Don't you just want to snuggle him close? I know I do - ohh wait - I just did!

I also got him a new bath seat which has been fabulous - means I can bath him in the spa bath without having to get in the bath with him. It is still a little hard getting him in and out but much much easier than it has been and a lot safer.

Jobie - those bath toys you bought him are fabulous! He loves them. They are the perfect size for him to pick up, chew and play with. Thank you!

Can you believe buggy butt is nearly 9 months old? I find it hard to believe. He is so amazing though. he is saying Dada all the time now but refuses to say Mumma - hubbs is coaching him so hopefully he will start saying it before mother's day. He gets closer every day to crawling - I think it will only be a couple more weeks and he will really take off. Then we will be in trouble!

Happy 30th Birthday Katt !

2008-04-23T17:00:00.004+10:00

I got something i gotta say: hang on - let me get this right:

Almost there:

Here you go!
Wishing you a very magical 30th Birthday Katt - hope you have an awesome day. We love you lots.

and also for your viewing pleasure:

More videos of Alex - he has started saying "mama" and "dada" - only just started doing it yesterday!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DV-1Ed0GSIE

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I5bNwPFya6s

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cz4Ewzc7wkM

These videos are of him rolling around and chatting to himself.

Enjoy!

Being happy with the blessings you have.

2008-04-17T22:34:00.005+10:00

I look at my son's sleeping face.
I smell the aroma of his youth.
I hear his snuffly breath.
I bask in the knowledge his arms reach out just for me.
I fight with him for the right to use the spoon at mealtimes.
I battle to wipe his face of the yoghurt smothered over his face.

and I know I am blessed beyond words.

So why then do I have moments where something reminds me of my lost babies, and I break down and sob uncontrollably?

If you have watched Neighbours lately you will know that one couple on the show went for their first scan and were told "i'm sorry - there is no heartbeat".

I heard that and felt like I was being hit with a ton of bricks. A tsunami of grief washed over me and I was a total and utter mess. I cried like it had just happened to me. I instantly remembered what that was like hearing that news.

Then later, the tv couple repeat the scan and get told "there's a heartbeat". Not long later she is telling someone and says "It appears we are one of the lucky ones" - and Wham - another tsunami, greater than ever before hit me.

I was feeding Alex at the time - he was fighting me for the spoon, and I was, as usual, losing the battle. Alex was being extraordinarily cute too - smiling at me, blowing bubbles and shaking his head as he loves to do. The wave hit, and i couldn't function. The tears flowed, and I had to sit on the ground, my legs just went on me.

"one of the lucky ones" - why can't we all be lucky? Why do any of us have to ever hear those words "i'm sorry - there's no heartbeat". ?

Why does it have to hurt so damn much? I have Alex - he is incredible. Totally Amazing. He is nothing like I imagined he would be. I love him with every fibre of my being. He is quite literally, the light that shines in my day. I hate that I still feel this pain. Will it ever dull? Will I sit there, in my rocking chair in my golden years, hear those words on some stupid tv show and will my rocking stop, my heart breaking under the strain of the wave of grief hitting me?

I don't want to feel this bad forever.

Returning to the hospital where Alex was born was a strange experience. I had a lot of time to myself (next time i should bring my knitting). I had a lot of time to think. I did amaze myself at my comparisons to the last time we were there. When he was born i was so unsure of what I was doing. "Should I change his nappy now?" compared to me just doing it as if by some unconscious ritual. I was so unsure of just everything i was doing when he was born, this time I just did everything that needed to be done - I was in control. I was his mummy and I knew what was best for him. It was quite a surreal experience. I felt empowered. I felt like a Mummy.

Alex is feeling better. Yesterday morning I was considering returning to the hospital as he was wheezing badly and was off his food again. But at lunchtime he picked up and ate well, and he improved in the afternoon and by evening a glimpse of my son returned. He snored badly last night and I listened to him for hours on the baby monitor (yes it was loud enough for the monitor to pick it up).

Today he is a little better again. His nose is running less and his cheekiness has returned. My baby boy is definately feeling better.

Of course some pictures to end with, then it is off to bed for me. Nite all.

"Mummy - where did my toy go?"

"mummy - I lost my toy again!"

"Mummy - i don't feel so well...... I will just lay here and cuddle your leg"

"Feeling better today - wearing my yoghurt! Notice I won the spoon battle"

"Same meal - different spoon - I won that one too! hehe"

"Feeling much better - trying to figure out this crawling thing again"

Just before getting sick - Alex in his big boy pjamas Mummy bought him (with monkeys on them)

Sooo happy in my pjs!

ok - off to bed - nite all.

A night out?

2008-04-15T18:34:00.002+10:00

Having a new child is stressful so a night out would be nice wouldn't it?

Except it wasn't the type of night out I was yearning for.

Last night wasn't so great. Alex has been battling a cold for the last couple of days. Yesterday he was really bad, and wasn't interested much in food or anything to drink and it was a battle getting what I could into him. After I finally got food into him he threw it all up anyhow. Last night he woke from a nap around 7 and was really struggling to breathe.

After calling Hubbs, and then calling the nurses on call number, (who said "call an ambulance" after listening to him over the phone), I popped him in the car, grabbed what I could quickly grab and flew down to the emergency department. (i didn't call an ambulance - he just wasn't bad enough but if he had been I would have called in an instant). Being a bub they looked at him pretty quickly and determined he had an upper respiratory problem and diagnosed "Croup".

I had heard about croup but didn't really know what it was. They told me that basically Croup is the same as a cold but the cold virus swells up the airways. In adults it is just a cold - because our airways are wide enough to cope with it. But in bubs their airways are already narrow so any further narrowing can restrict their airways enough to really put them in danger of not being able to breathe.

So they tried a steroid syrup and monitored him for a few hours, but there was no improvement. He was grisly which is not him, as he is normally so happy, and wasn't interested in his toys - just wanted to be held. Hubbs came to the hospital, and they then tried an Adrenoline inhaler (which he hated - It took three of us to hold his head and the mask on him while he screamed). That helped a little but didn't do it enough for them to be happy with us going home. Around 2:30 - 3am I sent Hubbs home - it seemed silly for us both to be losing sleep and we had just gotten Alex to sleep. So reluctantly he left and I tried to get some sleep - got about 30 minutes. Alex slept peacefully while I went for walks around the emergency department, and watched him sleep. One of the nurses invited me into the nurses lounge for a cuppa (yay).

At 7am this morning the doc checked Alex again and he was still wheezing so he got another dose of the steroid syrup. 8am he was still wheezy and grisly and really miserable, so the attending paediatrician decided to admit him into the childrens ward. So upstairs we go, and I try to make him happy, playing, giving him a bottle etc. The tea lady kindly got Alex some pureed apple and weetbix but he really wasn't interested in eating. He did have a bottle though and got some sleep.

A fleet of doctors (mostly trainees - it is a teaching hospital (one was really cute! ;-) ) ) visited - asked the same questions everyone else did and finally around 2pm they decided he was well enough to go home but if he relapsed I had to bring him back to the hospital immediately. So we are finally home.

I gotta tell you - staying out all night and wearing the same clothes for two days isn't as fun as it used to be!

He is a little better this afternoon - he ate a really good lunch (can you believe 2pm in the hospital and lunch still hadn't come round the ward?) and he has slept well (better than me - I tried and got three phone calls)

Anyhow - pics of the little man being monitored at the hospital attached. Oh and to cap it all off, yesterday both Hubbs and I got hit heavily with Alex's cold. Everything aches - even my teeth. Nose is running like a tap (not one on water restrictions though), and I feel like something on the bottom of a budgie cage.

Poor little man. I am watching him sleep now and it is such a relief to have to watch keenly to see his chest rise rather than seeing his chest suck in and push out with so much effort.

Hubbs is going to come home asap tonight so I can have a shower. I changed my clothing when I got home (couldn't find a clean bra so just left that item of clothing out - luckily nobody is likely to turn up to see him). Actually when Hubbs comes home I might run a bath (shhh - don't tell the water police). I just want to be clean and have a good sleep.

oh and a good tip to know for the future - when you have hardly eaten anything in 24 hours, don't grab a big mac on the way home - your stomach just won't handle it well and as well as chills, aches, foggy head, fever and a runny nose, oh and the tiredness from not sleeping in 24 hours, you will find you are running to the loo an awful lot (and one grisly boy who doesn't want to be parted from Mummy won't be too impressed either).

up days and down days

2008-04-07T13:58:00.003+10:00

I have a lot of up days and a lot of down days lately. Mum in law is still very sick and a real drain. Today's drama was that she didn't feel up to driving to her support group, and the guy that runs it offered to pick her up and drop her home again but her hubby suggested that this guy might attack her or something. Once that thought (as ludicrous as it was) was in her head, she couldn't let it go and called me for advice. Even after I said "this guy is not going to attack you" she decided she couldn't risk it and wouldn't go.

But it has been worse. She has called the crisis line several times now and I have been called over with her talking about suicide. One second she wants to divorce her husband and the next she is scared he will die and she will be all alone. There is no pleasing her or predicting what is going to happen next and i cringe every time the phone rings. I also cringe when I know I have to call to see how she is, yet I know I have to call and make sure she is okay. I have been trying to organise respite care for her husband so she can go to a retreat to relax but she wants to go to a retreat only if her family can come too. (ain't going to happen!). There is more but I don't have the energy today to tell you all about it.

Today as you might have worked out is a bit of a down day for me. Everywhere I look i have things i desperately need to do. Bottles to wash, kitchen to clean up, vaccuuming, etc I am trying to get some things listed on ebay and get rid of them out of my house. I have baskets of washing to put away, and even more to do. It just never seems to get done. (Of course if I did some of instead of blogging it might not be so bad - lol).

Visiting my family yesterday was a complete disaster. If anything, if just reinforced how alone I am. They don't care about Alex one little bit. No interest in talking to him, holding him or playing with him. They never once asked anything about him, or hubbs and I, or the shop or anything really. They just wanted to talk about themselves. If I even said anything, i got interrupted with something they are doing etc. The crunch was when they got a phone call from a friend who invited herself to dinner and then said "is that a baby I hear? make sure it is gone before I get there because I hate babies" - my niece then relayed the message and everyone laughed. I started packing up Alex's things , said "tell her we will be gone by then" , picked Alex up and left.

Alex my darling - you have a mummy and daddy who love and adore you very much. You have a heap of internet people who love you. You don't need them that don't care about you at all. You deserve better my love.
Alex playing with Oscar - they are starting to become really good friends (as long as Alex doesn't grab his fur too hard).

Finally some pics from yesterday - Alex fighting sleep (even then you are so handsome!).

5 minutes later:

ok off to wash bottles. Maybe if I get something achieved I might feel a little better.

Take care all.

Happy Belated Easter!

2008-03-28T22:01:00.004+11:00

I'm Back baby!

My internet has been installed and I am finally seeing some light, after wading through the 300 or so emails waiting for me.

I have still been knitting although my secret project knitting has seriously been affected since my internet connection got restored (whoops!).

Hubbs and I are doing really well. We are talking more than we have in a while and we are both connecting a lot better to each other. My heart overflows when I see him with his son. I literally have to pull Alex off him of a morning and kick him out the door or he would never go to the shop. It is just so lovely to see. I think we are going to be okay. Every marriage has rough patches, and this is just one of those.

I hope you all had a lovely Easter. The Easter bunny came to our place and I have to show you just how cute he was! (Joanne - loved your sms!)

And finally a picture of Alex and his Mummy (Me!) lol. What you can't see is that he is actually pulling my hair and it hurt - a lot. He thought it was hilarious though.

p.s. I had to move my recipe website to another blog provider as blogcharm has closed down. Luckily I rescued all my recipe posts before they switched off their server! The new recipe website can be found to the right of this blog (where it says recipes!), and here. Please leave a comment if you like a recipe - I like knowing people care! hehe.

cya for the moment (I have lots to blog about - i kept a list (honest I did!)).

Long time - no post

2008-03-20T23:29:00.003+11:00

As you may have deducted by now, my internet connection died dismally a week or so ago. I have since had an hour of half hearted connection that eventually died as well.

After talking to my service provider, they suggested that I might like to close my account and take my internet connection elsewhere - very nice of them eh - basically I am too much trouble with my crappy internet connection and they will be very glad to see the back of me.

I am now joining the multitude of others in my area with a cable modem connection (joining "small lake"). Apparently my area has more cable modem installations than any other area in Melbourne (presumably because they all had the same problems I have had with adsl over our local phone lines?).

This won't be installed until the 25th March, and even then only with a temporary modem as the modem they promised me is not in stock so they are setting me up with a "loaner".

Until then I pull my hair out, constantly whine at my husband to spend more quality time with me because I am starved of human contact, play with Alex until he is even sick of me and is giving me baby sign language that even a well seasoned adult would understand means "for goodness sake Mum, let me sleep!", and I will keep on baking cookies to entertain the mormons and Jehovahs witnesses that come to my door. (I have seriously wept to these people as they have been so nice. I think I may have misjudged door knockers in the past - my apologies to you all). Of course my sms bill on my mobile to Katt is going to be a killer this month - luckily I pay those so Hubbs won't see the damage.

So what have you missed? Here is the quick roundup. (in point form as it is nearing midnight and we are still at the shop (lucky Alex sleeps anywhere) (oh yeah - and the reason I can post this at all is because I am at the shop!).

* Alex is continuing to be a perfect angel. He is just so happy all the time (except when he is tired and I want to keep playing - then he gets cranky). He got his second tooth 8 days after the first one and boy is he flaunting them! It is so cute to see a toothy smile instead of a gummy one. He still is not crawling and I have resigned myself to the thought that he may never crawl. he much prefers to stand than to be on his tummy, even though I force him several times a day to be on his tummy.
* Hubbs and I have been having a bit of a hard time at the moment. We actually sat down and discussed our marriage and whether it was worth trying to make it work, or whether we should just call it quits. It has been hard and there is a lot of lead up to it, but the basic problem is that I am desperately lonely as I am usually asleep when he comes home and in the mornings he is always running late so he gets up, runs to the shower, dresses and leaves. Some days he doesn't even hold his son the entire day. He is stressed because he is trying to improve the business singlehandedly and it really needs 2+ people working on it, and we just can't afford to hire anyone. But - we have decided that we owe it to ourselves to try to make our marriage work. We still love each other immensely and we just need to find some balance in both shop and home. We will try at least. I know he has made a huge effort since our chat, and I came to the shop today to spend more time with him, and for him to spend time with Alex.
* My sister came for a visit. It was lovely but short (she came on Saturday around lunchtime and left Sunday afternoon.) She came to "help" - asked many times what she could do to help, got lots of replies from me such as "the dishes in the sink", and "vacuum the lounge would be great", but she never actually did anything except read magazines and watch foxtel. So I still had to run after Alex but also had to run after her as well. Still the company was nice.
* I have been knitting heaps (can't tell you what as it is a secret pressie for one of my bestest friends who is having a baby in July). I am 30% of the way through my secret project.
* I did some stash enhancement at spotlight on their 20% off day - got some of their new sock wool for just $4 a ball! Amazing value. Then went and bought some lovely acrylic at "the warehouse" - 2 x 100gm balls for $2.49 - wowsers. Hubbs wasn't impressed with the money i spent but I just said two words "you smoke" - and he shut up - guess my once off purchase was probably only worth about a weeks worth of smokes anyhow - so he can't really say anything.

ok - that is about it - there is probably more but it is now after midnight and I can no longer think properly. So I am going to finish finalizing the till for the day and take Alex home then hit the sack. Nite all.

Houston - We have a tooth!

2008-03-05T16:32:00.002+11:00

Last night Alex was really unsettled - he just would not go to sleep and I tried everything, .... well almost everything. When Hubbs got home at 10:30pm and Alex was still up, grissly and irritable, he said "I think his mouth is sore - we should give him panadol" . Whilst I am not ready to throw medication at Alex without reason, I had tried everything else and I was ready to pack my bags and run away to become a plate spinner at the circus, so i reluctantly gave him panadol.

Within 10 minutes he was asleep. He slept until 8am

I checked his mouth when he got up and there was no tooth, but when we were at Mother's group i put my finger in his mouth and there it was - a tiny little sharp toothy peg protrusion.

My little man is growing up sob sob.

Last night while he was up , we started taking pictures of ourselves (because it seemed a good idea at the time and it amused him and hopefully tired him out a little- maybe it also kept me sane. (Aha - "too late!" I hear you say).

It is hard taking pictures of yourself whilst holding a wriggly boy - hence I do apologise that they are not centred. I promise to try harder next time.

As Katt said last night when I showed her this picture "That boy has his Mother's nose!"

He he. The things you do! I think you will also agree that he definately looks like my son now. No mixup at the hospital!

Ok - better go - I have a sink full of bottles to wash and a block of cadbury duo chocolate that is begging me to eat it (honest it is!). (Dan - is cadbury duo chocolate allowed on WW?)

6 months plus

2008-03-03T20:17:00.003+11:00

The other morning I was watching Foxtel and a very strange message came up on the screen. If you click on the picture you will get a close up of what it says but essentially the wording is (with the title "for your information") "Test by me the handsome \ahimari works here nfbjdshfksjfhs" Do you think that maybe, just maybe this self proclaiming handsome person NO longer works there now?

Alex was definately amused. lol. Here he is in the sexy outfit that Katt bought him. The little pants have paw prints running down one side of the front - cute huh!

He has been doing well. We went for our 6 month check up (albeit 3 weeks late due to a appointment stuff up by the health care centre).

His stats are now:

Weight: 8.52kgs - 55th percentile
Length: 66 cm - 20th percentile
head circumference: 43cm - 20th percentile

So I guess that means he is a bit fat for his length? Least he doesn't have a big head!

He is still such a good boy, sleeping really well every night. He still doesn't have any teeth but by the waterfall of dribble a tooth is surely not very far away.

He is cheeky as! I love every single second of being his mum.

He has a million expressions. I call this one the "toothless old man" look - it is so cute. He gets excited that food is coming and he gums his lips in anticipation. It is also when he makes sounds that I like to imagine are "mum mum mum" sounds in the making.

My happy boy is just so incredible. How did I ever manage without him?

I have been okay except I am currently on day 3 of a migraine and it has been quite an effort caring for Alex on my own all day. I haven't been able to take anything for my migraine strong enough to do anything because then I would want to sleep and you can't do that with a baby needing your attention.

Mum in law is giving me lots of grief, demanding lots from both Hubbs and I, (with timeframes mind you). We are doing our best to manage her, and find some common ground to all the things she wants done. I can understand that she is very self focused at the moment but I find it bizarre that I am having to make her meals when I am hardly able to make my own meals. Certainly over the last 3 days I haven't been able to drive (with migraines I lose a lot of my vision) so she has had to make do (don't worry - they haven't starved or anything - they have heaps of food there).

Sorry this probably makes no sense at all - i really can't think at the moment and i am seeing even less (lucky I can touch type pretty well).

Hubbs has been very understanding of me not feeling well and has gotten home as soon as he possibly can to help out - even organising dinner for us both. So I guess my anger at him lately has abated a little with him actually taking some initiative and helping a little.

It hasn't stopped me caring for Alex. I have also prepared fresh steamed veggies for him and been playing with him heaps on the floor. He also got his first balloon (walking through the shopping centre) last week and he has had heaps of fun playing with that.

ok better go - I think I am making less and less sense as I continue typing.

take care all.

In the limbo of my life

2008-02-26T20:49:00.003+11:00

They gave away my desk! I got an email from work today to say that they need my desk for a "new starter" and so 7.5 months after I started Maternity leave they finally succumbed and reallocated my desk. Should I be upset? I'm not. I kinda freaked out every time I visited work to find my desk exactly as I left it. It was like some weird shrine or something. Even my whiteboard still had my writing on it. Nobody would let anyone even sit in my seat. My only conclusion? Those people are freaky. I think that says it all.

Alex and I went to the Chiropractor today. Me for my freaky jaw that clicks every time I open or shut it, and for my hip that has been absolutely killing me. It hurts when I walk, when I sit, and when I stand still. I have pain shooting down my leg to to my toes and up my side to my fingers. It hurts - it hurts a lot. Doctor says to walk more. Chiro says that walking makes it worse. So i rested it - it didn't improve. So I went for a 3km walk. I was in agony for 4 days. Walking does not help. Chiro manipulation does though. I feel a lot better and 30% of the pain has gone. I think it is a work in progress. Chiro says that my hip was way out as was my pelvis. Fun.

Alex went for a checkup - his first checkup with the chiro. Chiro says he is perfect and only had to make a very small adjustment in his lower back. Alex never even realised it was being fixed. He smiled and laughed and played happily on the floor while his mummy's hip got fixed.

other stuff - on Friday I am meeting with the council services coordinator to discuss what services Mum in law and her hubby can get as they have now been approved for care - thank goodness as I am pretty tired of doing so much for them. Not that I don't love them but I have enough of my own to do. Plus I get really annoyed when I spent 2 hours (I kid you not) cleaning the microwave, and 7 days later I open it to find it just as dirty. How can you get a microwave totally filthy in just 7 days? It is only then I find out that step-father in law puts the dog's dinner in there uncovered to "warm it up" - what the? A microwave that has human food in it - heck it has my child's bottle in it. That is just so gross that I just don't want to give it any thought or I will have to totally force myself to ever visit there ever again.

Hubbs promised to be home early tonight to give Alex a bath. Now it is nine pm and he is asleep for the night and there is still no sign of Hubbs - typical. To say I am not amused by his behaviour lately is quite an understatement.

oh and can you tell? I have pms. is it obvious?

no photos - i am too lazy. I think i might open a bottle of wine - that might help. (or maybe have a glass or two of port - yeah baby)

Why blogging is so powerful.

2008-02-23T21:28:00.004+11:00

So I make the trip to the shop, desperate for internet time, and blog about how I have no internet, and then I go home and lo and behold, my internet connection is working. For how long? Who knows. But as soon as I told my husband he said "don't do anything else, just enjoy it for as long as it lasts" so I am taking his advice and ignoring the dishes, the washing and everything else that needs doing and sitting here on my backside, blogging and doing a much needed checking of my friend's blogs. See how powerful the power of blogging is? A whole bunch of technicians couldn't fix my internet problem, but as soon as I blog about it, wham - it is fixed.

Mum in law is still ill although a little better. For the first time in a month when we visited yesterday she asked to hold Alex. A definite improvement. The services have started helping her out and the house is much cleaner - you could actually see the pattern in the floor tiles! She still isn't cooking and meals on wheels hasn't started yet, so I am still supplying some of their food. Yesterday I cooked pumpkin soup and took that over. simple but nutritious (plus I am finding very little that they will both eat that I can cook in advance - very tricky stuff).

Other stuff - my bosses (ex boss now I guess as he has quit while I have been away) girlfriend had a baby girl during the week (his third child (all girls), her first child) - I got photos and I have to say she is absolutely adorable. I cried when I saw her (such a sweetie). It is a difficult situation though - I do wonder what the children involved in this situation are going to think in years to come, since this baby is born only 4 months after his second daughter to his wife was born! A difficult thing for all I am sure. I just hope it all works out. I really like my boss and I really like his girlfriend (also a work mate). I won't judge them as it is none of my business but my heart does sadden at those hurt in this situation. I also knew his wife (also a workmate at the same place), but we haven't really been friends since she hunted down and married the boss lol. (of course, a fat lot of good it did her - 3 years later and she is on her way to divorce with 2 small children).

I have been scoping out child care facilities and discovering very fast that unless you put down for a place before you even got pregnant you have little chance of getting in. I have just found one place though that has just opened (but the owner has been in the biz 25 years). I checked the place out and I love it. I love the staff, the owner was fantastic and allowed me just to drop in any time to check it out - no appointment. The fees are huge but I think it is pretty normal (around $300 a week). Alex wanted down while we were there to play, which he didn't do at any of the others. Best of all she hasn't filled all the spots for July yet, so has me down as a definitely interested person. (does that make me a DIP?). If she looks like filling up, I may have to start Alex there sooner than July, but that would be okay too - gives him heaps of time to settle in, a chance for me to get the house sorted out and time for me to help more at the shop. Or I could return to work sooner.

That is, if my job is still there. There was a take over bid recently that was rejected (presumably that won't be the last bid as the company is doing exceptionally well). Since I was on leave, my boss has left and also my replacement boss has now quit, so by the time I do return there might not be anyone who recognises me lol.

OK - I had better go - blogging might be essential but so is eating and I think I should go have some pumpkin soup for my dinner.

And of course I wouldn't blog while I could, without a photo update!

Dan - remember the Nike set you sent for Alex? It is so adorable and he loves it. I think he looks so spunky in it. Thank you.
Alex has lately become very interested in the cats and if they walk in the room, Mum, Dad, Toys and TV are all forgotten as he stops to watch the cats every move. They are excellent with him and very gentle - even when he grabs fur and pulls. They cry but don't scratch or bite and just wait for him to let go and then they scamper. We have made a huge effort at every opportunity to show him that you pat the cats with an open hand, very gently. Sometimes he gets it right - as shown here with Molly:

I love the peek-a-blocks range and he has a few toys to go with the blocks. His favorite (that's my boy!) is a dump truck. It has cute music and when the back is pulled back it makes a crashing noise. hehe He loves it.

I think the shirt says it all. Since starting solids it is an action to be feared (believe me!) lol.

Nite all.

No internet makes Bugsy a little crazy

2008-02-23T13:51:00.003+11:00

I am reminded of the motto on Katt's blog (with a little modification):

"No internet makes Bugsy go a little something.......something......."

"Crazy?"

"Don't mind if I do!"

So I am back to no internet - lucky me. Many phonecalls and arguments later I am being advised that it is likely to be an internal wiring problem somewhere in our house. Apparently the line has been checked right up to the house and apparently that all checked out okay.

How to solve this? I am fresh out of ideas. I can get a professional in to trace and test all my phone connections (of which I can count 7) but that would be big money and we just can't afford it. So no resolution in sight just yet. Hubbs is going to go into the roof cavity and check that the possums haven't gotten in and chewed any wires there. That is a start at least.

So I am at the shop today and it is busy busy busy - very good for us, except there is a high percentage of people who want advice but not a lot of goods. For example Hubbs spent 2 hours with a customer today advising him on setting up a new tank and he left, happy and well advised but didn't spend a cent. Hopefully when he does buy he remembers the good service and comes back!

I am starving and haven't had time to eat yet, (I chose to blog instead lol). Haven't eaten today and need food soon or I might collapse. There hasn't even been time for a coffee today.

Alex had his first accident yesterday. He was on hubb's lap and hubbs was distracted for one second and he rolled off. Before he hit the floor, Hubbs grabbed him and he accidently scratched his neck. Alex has three deep scratches on his neck now. I guess that is better than him hitting the floor (which was concrete with a thin layer of carpet so not very forgiving). Still I wasn't very happy and Hubbs got a lecture from me about anticipating everything and not letting him get into a position where he could roll off. hubbs said it scared the life out of him when it happened. My poor boys.

ok better go - more customers.

take care guys and hopefully I will be right back on track with a reliable internet service soon. (has anyone tried internet through a couple of tin cans and a piece of string? - come on - it could work!)

Baby chuckles

2008-02-16T17:32:00.003+11:00

Apologies for the quality of this - it was taken with my digital camera which is designed to take photos not movies

I was just playing around and I couldn't resist giving it a go. I wasn't holding it very steady as I was trying to encourage him to laugh at the same time but you still get the idea.

Hope it works.

An update.

2008-02-14T23:44:00.003+11:00

It's well after midnight and I am still awake so this is likely to be mostly in point form.

I just wanted to answer some questions in the last few posts comments and give you an update on other stuff that has been going on.

* Rachel from Melbourne asked "I just thought of a question, if you don't mind- what inspired the name 'Bugsy'? Are you a big Bugs Bunny fan?=) Just wondering... Also- how's the new pram holding up?"

Well Rachel - thanks for asking! Bugsy comes from a range of weird things I can do with my nose. I can do the Bewitched wiggle, flare each nostril independently, do a little bunny wiggle where the nose goes up and down and stuff like that - usually it makes kids stare and adults say "how do you do that?" in wonderment. It is something I have always been able to do and I tend to do it when I am nervous. Imagine seeing me at a job interview, waiting to be called, sitting wiggling my nose. lol. Actually I tend to do the bunny wiggle with my nose a lot - several times a day in fact - some people chew their fingernails, I bunny wiggle my nose. I am not much into Bugs Bunny strangely enough, but I have nothing against him - he is a very cool rabbit (if not a bit arrogant). I can also wiggle my ears too.

Also the pram is a breath of fresh air. I love it! I washed the covers and I have a couple of watermarks where it dried a bit funny and somehow I put a small hole in the cover, but it is so lovely to have a working pram. It is sooo heavy to lift but then every pram is a little awkward to lift. Alex loves it as he can face us, and despite being heavy it is very simple to fold. It is definitely my favorite pram. The large basket underneath allows me to get heaps of groceries when I want to the shops too which I love.

* Sassy asked if we had a plan for trying for Number 2 since I am keen and have nearly convinced Hubbs to go for it. Our plan is to try naturally for a while (no timeframe on "a while") and see how we go. Since we have "unexplained infertility" stamped on us, I don't want to rush down the track of ivf again just yet if we have a chance on our own. Our doc says that sometimes just having a baby can shift everything into place and there is every chance we can do this on our own. Having Alex has finally given me the luxury of "trying and seeing what happens" which is something that infertility robs you of. The franticness (is that a word?) of trying desperately has gone for us (for the moment). So that's the plan!

other updates:

* my new shoes are just lovely! I am sooo glad I finally got them!

* Before I got pregnant with Alex I bought myself a pair of jeans - a big thing for me because I have never been able to wear Jeans - they never fit my stomach (where I carry most of my extra weight) and by the time I take them up a foot or so (as I am not even 5 ft tall), they end up flares and I hate them. So I bought a pair of jeans and it took me months to get the hems taken up. By the time I did, they were too tight and I just couldn't wear them. So they hung on the hanger just waiting.

Then I got pregnant and there was no chance they would fit then. Yesterday I thought "wonder if I fit into those jeans yet?" so I tried them on. Wouldn't you know it - they are now too big. So big that I can wear them but they fall down and I have to pull them back up constantly, and I can put them on and take them off without having to undo the zipper or the button! I am destined never to wear these jeans! Hubbs said I should just be happy that I have lost weight (as this seems to indicate, although I can't prove it because my bathroom scales battery has gone flat).

* I have had lots of fun and games with Mum in law again. She was doing okay and living at home with her husband for two whole days before the shite hit the proverbial fan again. I spoke to her Sunday and she said everything was good and then when I called her Monday - her husband said "she is in hospital". What? As I am searching for the hospital's phone number to find out what is going on, the hospital calls me. She has had another anxiety attack and just couldn't cope. The social worker and I spoke for hours about the whole situation and in summary - she told the social worker that she didn't want to be married to her husband any longer - she wanted him gone, or she wasn't going back home. She wasn't coping at all. So after a psych analysis, many talks with the social worker and various doctors, they determined that she needed help but they couldn't keep her in hospital any longer. I went to the hospital and picked her up and took her home. She walked in the door and said to her husband "hello love, I am home" and they were all friendly again. I didn't know what to think.

It is too late at night to be telling you the very long story, but to cut it short, after several phone calls over 2 days, a number of things have happened.

I am now listed as their carers. I have organised emergency cleaning at the house, and after an aged care evaluation today we have also organised meals on wheels, weekly council cleaning, someone to do their shopping, someone to come in and help step-father in law to shower, a nurse to put the cream on his legs that he needs (and pressure bandages for the fluid in his legs), a social worker to visit regularly to ensure they are okay, and emergency respite care if required.

The aged care analysis today was hard. I had previously sat them both down and discussed that they needed to accept help if it was offered and told the step-father in law that it may be deemed that he is incapable of staying in the house if his needs cannot be met there and he may have to go to an aged care facility to live either short term or for permanent care. He resisted it totally - saying he didn't need or want the help (despite the fact he stays in his clothes from one shower to the next as it is too hard to dress and undress and that he has left the stove burners on twice this week already, and his clothes today had 7 burn marks where he fell asleep with his cigarette still burning!). I was pretty hard on him but the lady doing the analysis was even tougher and told him very bluntly that he either accepts help in the home or he goes into a nursing home today because if he doesn't his wife will either leave him or end up in a home herself. At the end of the day, he accepted all the care offered and even signed papers saying he would go into respite care if it was needed (not permanent care though - he has refused to sign anything for that). Let's just say I am not the favorite daughter in law at the moment as far as he is concerned. (tough!)

Then after that he wanted to go do the grocery shopping - on his little scooter as he can't walk 5 steps without a rest. Mum in law was getting stressed because she needed a lot of groceries and he couldn't fit them all on his scooter basket. Alex was asleep, so I left him with mum in law, and while the step-father in law rode his scooter to the local supermarket, I drove and met him there, walked round the shop with him doing the shopping, then loaded up the car and drove home while he rode his scooter back. It was an interesting experience and if it is anything to go by I can tell the social worker now that he is totally incapable of doing the shopping. We had hardly gone into the supermarket (we had picked up 1 item on the list) before he was asking if I could do the rest on my own because he wanted to go have a coffee at gloria jeans! He was neither interested nor really capable.

Alex was still asleep when I got back luckily as I am not sure Mum in law would cope with him crying on her - I thought he would be asleep which is why I chanced it.

So after all that, I am quite over Mum in law and her problems. Tomorrow I plan to stay home, do nothing and relax. Friday is Bugsy day (of course, how much rest am I going to get with a 6 month old requiring constant attention? hehe).

And now before I head for bed - some baby goodness:

Alex pushing up and trying to blow bubbles at the same time (proof men can do two things at once if they really try):

Laughing and nearly toppling over in the process:

Sitting up on his own playing with his toys (he can now sit up without toppling for about 10 minutes!):

okay lovies - hope you are all having a lovely valentines day - I am off to bed. Goodnight.

How cute is this!

2008-02-13T07:57:00.001+11:00

Alex's darling friend Mel (Mrs Hugs incredible daughter) gave Alex an adorable Elmo set including slippers, pjs, a robe and a coat hanger. Alex finally fits into the robe and the pjs although the pants are still a little long.

Aren't they adorable? Alex loves them - Thank you Melsie - you are just so sweet.

You gotta try this

2008-02-12T12:58:00.000+11:00

Go to this site http://www.tatuagemdaboa.com.br/.

In the first line type in your first name (lower case works better), and in the second line type in your surname or nickname.

Don't worry about filling in the other stuff - just press "Visualizar".

Hilarious.

I had heaps of fun trying other words including :
First line - "i'm a man" and second line "i'm a woman"

hehe I know - I am one sick puppy.

6 months old already

2008-02-10T21:42:00.000+11:00

Yep - I can hardly believe it myself. My little man is already 6 months old - 1/2 way to his first birthday! Wow.

He is such a happy boy. He has such a sweet gentle nature. He wakes up from naps silently, but as soon as he sees my face he breaks out in the biggest smiles. It makes me feel so damn good inside. This week he has started to look back at us as he sits on our knee - he will turn round to see us and smile. He can pick up his dummy and place it successfully in his mouth and he can sit up by himself (if you help him actually sit up) for about a minute before he topples over.

He doesn't like tummy time but has started pushing up with his arms - he is getting there. He loves to lay there chewing on his big toe hehe. (oh to be that flexible - sure Hubbs would like that too - lol).

He is a pretty quiet little boy except when the mood strikes him and he will chat or squeal (hehe Andi - do you remember him in the restaurant the other day chatting away?) I try to encourage his chatter and he gets so excited when we respond to him.

We almost have him signing "milk" back to us - he is right at the perfect age now to start baby sign language so we will give it a good shot.

He still doesn't have much hair and it is still hard to tell what color it is, but it sure does look rather red. No teeth as yet but that doesn't stop him gulping down his food as quickly as he can - boy does he love his food. He still throw up all the time, but I am hoping that changes as his solid food increases. Every night he goes to sleep around 9pm and wakes up anytime between 6am and 9am. He is a great sleeper.

He loves to bounce, and he loves the bath.

oh and did I mention - he is very ticklish and loves to laugh:

He loves his Daddy and instantly lights up when he sees him:

Daddy's beard is pretty good too:

He loves his Mummy too and we have the bestest cuddles ever.

He realllllly loves his Mummy:

He has such character and I just love the expressions on his face all the time:

It really doesn't seem that long ago that he was this small:

Wow - my little boy is growing up.

Mummy loves you little man. You were the missing piece in my life and I will always treasure just how precious you are. I promise to do my very best to give you absolutely everything in life that you need (perhaps not all that you want though lol).

p.s. I have almost convinced hubbs to start trying for Number 2. hehe.

Cruisin' down the highway. Looking for adventure....

2008-02-08T20:45:00.000+11:00

Oh dear - it appears I have another revhead in the family.

Alex with his Daddy on his Daddy's motorbike (at the back of the shop) :

Things are starting to settle down a little I think.

My internet connection is still playing up - every day it has periods where it can be down for hours at a time. Telstra are saying that they did some tests and all looks fine. My ISP are being wonderful and being adamant with Telstra that they have weeks of log files showing all my disconnections and they have even been to my house and done tests here and they KNOW it is not "fine" and that it has to be the line to the house. So we will see what comes out of that!

My mother in law is a little better. She told me today she is going to go home to her own house tomorrow. Step father in law is already home and has been calling her daily begging her to come home - so we will see how she goes. I just hope things go okay and she starts feeling better. Maybe then she can relax a little and enjoy her grandson (whom she has had no interest in lately :( . )

Oh - and today I managed to get to the shops and I am now in possession of a new pair of shoes - Yay, double Yay! Hopefully things are now looking up.

Oh and a cute photo to end with - doesn't this remind you of a certain famous painting? hehe

Sort of back

2008-02-03T23:30:00.000+11:00

I am sort of back - my internet is working but intermittently so I never know from one minute to the next whether it is just about to die and be unavailable for hours on end or not. Fun!

My sweet little boy is so incredible. I was watching him today in the rear vision mirror as we travelled to the shop. He was sitting in his car seat, playing with his toy butterfly (that he loves - thank you MrsHugs) and he played with it for approx. 15 mins worth of travel. Then he got a little tired, so he paused, dropped butterfly and grabbed his dummy, and lifted it straight to his mouth. Once dummy was fully inserted he looked at trees outside the window and then relaxed and had a little nap. It made me smile so much - he is just so cute!

He is growing so quickly too. For a little boy who was in 0000 clothing for so long, he has grown at a rapid rate and now just a week shy of 6 months he wears 00 tightly and 0 comfortably. What a little piggy.

We started solids and he loves every taste we give him. There is hardly any spillage and he cracks it if I don't get the spoon to his mouth quickly enough. I am sure he hardly tastes any of it - it goes straight down his throat. I gave him his dinner tonight and his daddy said "he will never eat that much" but he did and he protested loudly for more. He got 2 extra spoons of sweet corn (pureed) on top of the 3 spoons of sweet corn and 4 teaspoons of rice cereal he had already had. What a piggy.

He loves to taste things with his hands. The food goes in his mouth, and the hand follows and only then does he seem to taste the food. lol.

We went to lunch with our friends Andi and baby Jesse - you might remember that Jesse is also an ivf bub born just 6 days after Alex. It was so cute seeing the babies together. Andi even snapped the cutest pictures of the two of them:

Andi and her fiance are about to get married - very exciting times. If you are reading this hun - I hope you have an incredible day!

Mum in law is still not well. It is a huge mess at the moment and she has kicked her 81 year old husband out (ok he is not a very nice person and I couldn't live with him either, so no real surprise there), and he has been calling daily begging to come home, offering to help out more and do housework etc. It is very sad. It upset her so much today she went to stay with a friend for a few days which leaves muggins here to go to her house every day and feed the 2 cats, the dog and their two very old cockateils. Of course I didn't find out today until late, so Hubbs has gone tonight instead as I wasn't about to drag Alex out of bed to go feed the animals.

As I said it is a huge mess - not only is she depressed and totally unhinged at the moment, she wants her house cleaned up, her husband gone, and company 24/7. I go there pretty much every day and sit with her. Alex is totally bored there no matter how many toys I bring as I can't let him play on her floor anywhere without the blanket as it is so disgusting. She told me she mopped the floor just before i came yesterday, and we had only just arrived when Alex decided to throw up. I grabbed paper towel to do the initial wipe of the floor where he chucked and the towel came back black. it is so gross. She has let me do some cleaning. I discovered the inside of the microwave is actually white after a lot of scrubbing! I will get to the floor as soon as I can too. Let's just say she stopped doing any housework a long time ago.

She asks me to take her shopping and so i get Alex in the car, go to her place, take him out of the car, go inside, wait until she is ready, put Alex back in the car, go to the shops, take Alex out of the car and about then she says "no - I don't think I can do it, please take me home" so Alex goes back in the car and off home we go. Then we get him out of the car and inside and not long after she will say "can you still get my groceries for me? oh and take the baby - I can't care for him right now", so back in the car we go ......... it can be a very exhausting day - especially when it is hot.

Her hubby is her second husband (he is my Hubb's step dad). He has children from his previous marriage and they are all very coniving and unfortunately we have to be extremely careful that mum in law is protected against them. I would hate her to lose her house and all she has. Her husband retired 17 years ago and she has been supporting him ever since.

I know this sounds terrible but it would be much easier if her hubby (step-father in law) just died in his sleep or something. He isn't a very nice man - never has been. It would be the easiest thing for everyone if he was just gone. (gosh that sounds terrible but if you knew him and what he has done in his life you would understand completely).

There were signs of her impending breakdown that we should have noticed earlier. She cut chunks out of her loungeroom carpet until there were only pieces left under the furniture. We honestly just thought she was cutely eccentric.

So of course, I have been worried sick about her. My stomach as gone nuts and I have spent a great deal of every day in the loo. Not fun at all. I haven't had time for mothers group, or going to the doctor to renew my script for my stomach medication and I haven't had time to take myself or Alex to the Chiropractor. My shoes literally have holes in them and I have had no time to go look for replacement shoes.

I just hope this situation is resolved shortly or I may have a little breakdown of my own lol.

Anyway - I will finish with some cute pictures:

Alex playing in his activity centre. He adores this soooo much:

How to weigh a big fatty? hehe you stick him safely in a box, sitting on scales (putting the box on the scales first and zeroing them).:

He weighed 7.86kgs here (that was about 2 weeks ago).

Night all - Hopefully my internet is back for good and I will be able to post more (if Mum in law settles down too).

still off the air

2008-01-31T15:22:00.000+11:00

Very quick post as Alex is on my lap. Still no internet. A technician came out yesterday and he agrees that it is likely the possums chewing the cable from the street to the house that is causing the issue. Hopefully we will get someone out soon to resolve it for good. We are at the shop at the moment getting some internet time to pay bills.

Heaps of stuff going on at the moment that I really need my internet friends for - a brief summary:

* Mum in law has had a nervous breakdown and is relying on me to do everything for her - she is being very demanding and it is quite tiring but we are coping at the moment. - just.

* The shop is being demanding and I hardly see hubbs at all these days. I feel like I am raising Alex on my own and I am just totally exhausted doing that on top of everything else.

* A visit from my sister turned sour when her fiance called me to whinge about how I don't have a room set up so my sister can stay. He tried to make me feel guilty that my sister went home crying because she has missed so much of Alex growing up (she has only seen him 4 times now).

Anyway - better go. Hopefully we will be back on the air at home real soon.

p.s. Alex is 100% gorgeous.

off the air for the moment

2008-01-25T19:50:00.000+11:00

Just a brief one - I am at the shop at the moment getting some brief internet time. Just wanted you all to know we have no internet at home at the moment. It died on Tuesday and hasn't been seen again since. Various phone calls to our ISP and our Telephone service provider have progressed our issue somewhat. Even with no phone plugged in at all (we have four phone connections in our house), and without foxtel connected to the line the modem only justs gets a connection and that is really week. So - I am now waiting for our telephone service provider to contact me to let me know when they are going to be coming out to visit.

Our latest theory is that possums have once again chewed the physical cable between the street and the house thus rendering our connection next to useless.

To make life even more fun - I have also received calls from people snail mailing me to let me know their mail is being returned stating "no such address" even though the address is absolutely perfect. We are also receiving mail for a house 2 streets away with a similar street name (sure they are as impressed as we were). So had to call Aussie post to see if we could sort that out too.

is there a conspiracy?

We are all well. Alex has started solids! He adores it - more on all that when I am back online (with pictures!) - my goodness it is a messy affair!

Catch you all soon - I hope (before I go insane from not having online contact).

The saga of the pram

2008-01-15T19:12:00.000+11:00

A couple of years ago you may remember that Hubbs went out and bought me this pram:
We had actually just had a miscarriage and I was depressed and feeling more like a failure than I had ever felt before. Hubbs bought the pram from a local store as a way of telling me that we will not ever give up hope of having a baby. He wanted me to have some motivation to continue this struggle and he knew a small gesture would never do it. I was amazed at him going out and getting this pram, but it was a Mother's choice pram and I thought it looked pretty good.

It sat in the back room, in it's box for ages. When we got pregnant with Jayden, Hubbs put the pram together to help me with my anxiety. It was like a symbol that we would fill it one day.

Then at the 12 week scan we discovered that Jayden had died. The pram got put in a back room out of sight.

So it was with much joy that the pram was finally filled with our incredible son Alex. Just seeing him in that pram seemed so surreal.

Unfortunately the pram itself proved to be a right pain in the posterior.

Now we have a large car - a Magna sedan. It has an incredibly large boot. I could live quite happily in that boot. Yet this pram is a right pain in the posterior getting in and out of the boot. To put it in the boot, we have to take off both the back wheels! Even then it is a battle to get the stupid thing in the boot. It is heavy and doesn't fold up very well. It has scratched the paint on the back bumper so badly.

Then just before Christmas the front wheel jammed on me - so badly that the centre piece sheared off. I had to wheel the stupid pram through the shopping centre, with the front wheel up in the air like I was doing a wheely - feeling like the biggest idiot on the planet and having all the squillions of people out doing christmas shopping staring at me like I was putting my child at risk or something.

I had to order a new wheel and I finally got that in the post about 2 weeks later $28 poorer for my troubles.

Then this week I discovered that somehow when I took one of the back wheels off, the plastic piece that fits onto the inside side of the wheel and controls the brake on that side had fallen off somewhere - and although the wheel still works I don't have any brake on that side of the pram. I looked everywhere, even retracing my steps and searching shopping centre car parks but that little piece is nowhere to be found.

I hate that pram. Despite all the meaning behind the pram and what if represents, I really hate that pram.

I stopped going out unless i desperately had to. We stopped going for walks. I cried whenever I thought of that pram and I just didn't know what to do about it.

We can't afford another new pram and If I did get another cheap pram would it just break as easily as this one?

So then we saw one come into the op shop next to our shop and it looked really good. The shop was shut for holidays, so we looked at that pram every day through the window. counting the days until they opened again and we could get the pram.

Monday was that day - we got to the shop 10 minutes after they opened. They had sold the pram - 5 minutes earlier - for $20. They said it was a fantastic pram. yeah .................... Thanks

So Hubbs and I scoured ebay and the trading post and today I bid and won this pram:

It's a betini and I just know it has to be a better pram. I didn't pay a lot for it, certainly less than I could ever buy a new pram from anywhere from (well under $100). If it is really bad or something, I will just resell it. But I am sure it is better than my other pram.

I will feel much better once I pick it up. It will be such a relief and weight off my shoulders to know my son is safe, and we can once again go for walks. Please let this pram be okay.

So - do you think I made the right choice getting this pram?

5 Months Old

2008-01-11T11:17:00.001+11:00

Where did my little baby go? He grew up already!

Alex is now 5 months old and the thought of introducing solid food is looming. We are holding out for the 6 month mark as recommended by our health care nurse and maybe we will make it to 6 months before we start solids. While Alex is not driving us crazy for something more than milk we will hold off. It seems right for us so far.

So my little man is growing - he seems to weigh a ton now! He wants to sit up and even sitting up isn't good enough for him and when you hold his hands and pull him up into a sitting position, he straightens his legs and pushes himself into a standing position and boy is he excited with himself when he does that! He smiles and laughs and stands straight and tall for as long as he can. hehe He is terribly ticklish around his neck and upper chest and giggles uncontrollably when you try to wipe up dribbles.

He can pick up a toy all by himself now and can pick up his favorite toy out of a pile of toys. He can rotate a teething ring to position it so he can put it in his mouth and gnaw on it. He can pass a toy from one hand to the other. He wants to hold the bottle himself now and gets annoyed if we put the dummy in his mouth - he spits it out and picks it up and puts it in himself - only then is he happy. He can see us from across the room and gets excited when he sees us. He rolls over beautifully and is beginning to get the idea of pushing himself up with his hands - he is pretty lazy about that though so far.

He is gorgeous and I love every little hair on his head (even the one hair that is much longer than all the rest - what is with that?).

I snapped this picture yesterday of Alex with his Daddy - I love it. We love him so very much.

Here is Alex in his Jolly Jumper. He is still getting used to it but once he does he loves bouncing around. And here is my little 5 month old boy. Wow. He is not a baby any more is he. He is such a little boy now.
I realised something this morning. I was watching a show on tv and the daughter asked her mum "did you learn about being a mum from your mum?" and at first I thought "I wish my Mum was here to teach me about being a mother" but then I realised - she already taught me about being a Mum. She taught me how to unconditionally love my child. She taught me to make my child my whole life. She taught me how to love my child as well as my husband and how to have a happy family. She taught me to speak softly to my child, even when he is distressed, that even when I am angry and he is fussy, that talking to him in a calm voice calms us both.

So even though she isn't here. Even though every day I miss her even more. Even though I cry every day at not being able to hug my Mum. Even then - she left me with a legacy that cannot be ignored. She taught me how to be a Mum. and I was taught by one of the best.

Thanks Mum.

A Puzzle that is driving me crazy!

2008-01-09T19:23:00.001+11:00

Every week I buy a magazine that has a bunch of puzzles in them and you can win things by submitting the answers on an entry form by a specified date. (except of course i never ever win anything). I enjoy doing the puzzles - I really think they keep my brain active.

Anyhow this weeks puzzles has one that has me totally stumped. I just have to answer question 1 to submit but I cannot work out who this woman is. I have three possibilities and none of them really seem right. (so as not to influence you overly I will put the possibilities I have in smaller text after this puzzle pic - so don't look unless you want to be influenced by my thoughts lol).

Help - who is the pictured woman? (click pic to enlarge the picture)

(i first thought Liza Minnelli, but the face just doesn't seem right. Then I thought maybe Tina Turner but Hubbs said No - and then my brother in law suggested Eartha Kitt but that doesn't seem right either.)

It's hot!

2008-01-05T21:10:00.001+11:00

We are certainly having a heatwave here and Hubbs and I have decided we definately, without a doubt, need a second air con unit. We only have one and it resides in the kitchen area and does nothing to cool the rest of the house. We have a temp gauge in our lounge where we spend most of our time and even with the house shut and the blinds drawn it is still 35 degrees celcius with over 30% humidity in here. It is hot!

We have been coping by trying to be sensible. i have water in the bath during the day and Alex and I dip in there a few times a day. I have stripped most of his clothing off during the day and inbetween bottle feeds I give him cooled boiled water to drink. I have also been very watchful on the wetness of his nappies so I know he is getting enough to drink.

and now the pics of my hot little man!

The children

2008-01-05T07:56:00.000+11:00

I don't want to give much blog space to this topic because she does not deserve it - but the children do. So - I wanted you to know that one thing I have observed is that these children have grown up beautiful, well adjusted and completely normal despite Mum. The only thing I can put it down to is whether she is only that way in front of me (or others), or that Dad's influence has been the calming factor or maybe it is that she has always sent the children to her Mother's place as much as she possibly can? I am not 100% sure, but so far they do seem to be okay. They are currently 6 and 8 and to be honest I haven't seen her with them for about 5 years because she got to a point where she made excuses for the children not being with her whenever we met.

Of course, I only recently realised this was because she wanted me to visit Her not the children. Imagine being jealous of your own children.

I just can't understand it. I was so excited for Alex to have a family christmas this year. I could not have cared less that I didn't get many pressies this year - I was happy for people to give him the pressies, not me. HE was the greatest gift I could ever get.

If people greet him, they are greeting me.

If people express love to him, they are expressing love to me.

So anyway, the point of this post was to say that whilst initially i was concerned for these children, I have walked away from the friendship and ultimately them, safe in the feeling that for the moment, they seem safe, both mentally and physically.

I have been soaking up all the things you have said - I have loved everything you have written. It has made me really stop and try to figure out the situation. Thank you!

Out Out damn spot

2008-01-04T00:51:00.000+11:00

Imagine this- you have a cancerous tumour. You have had it for say 15 years. Most of the time it is friendly - it doesn't bother you much. But every now and then it gets nasty and it upsets you - it hurts you so deep in your core that you can never let go of that pain. You try to - all the times it is nice to you, you try not to remember the hurt, but just focus on the other times you have had together. It is there - it is part of you, but you also know that it is slowly killing you.

One day after another attack you decide enough is enough and you decide to remove it. You make the incision, and after a few days of it trying to attack you again, you are finally free of it. It is gone. The thing that was hurting you so very much is out of your life. You still hurt. You still remember, and you know removing it was the very best thing you could do for yourself.

You vow to protect your son from knowing it's wrath. You promise yourself that things will be better from now on.

Well I had such a cancer in the form of a friend that I have known since high school. We were good friends then but I had trouble understanding her actions a lot of the time. Maybe that was the attraction. She was unpredictable to me.

We used to go out to nightclubs and if any guy as much as spoke to me she would sully those giddy girly feelings I got by telling me he was only speaking to me so he could get to her. That hurt. Yes she was pretty. Skinny, tall. Nothing like me. But maybe the guys were talking to me because, well, because they liked "me".

She got married and had two beautiful children. I loved visiting her and the children - but she hated me having anything to do with them. She told me that she was insanely annoyed that I spent so much time with them. That it really got to her that i would greet these children running into my arms as I entered the door, before I ever stopped to greet her. She made it very clear that if I visited and brought presents for the children, that I had better have brought her a present too.

She spoke to her children in a way that really upset me too. When on the phone to me I would ask where the children are and she would say "in the bath". I would say "shouldn't you be in there too? they are only young" to which she would answer "nah - hopefully they will drown". It always gave me shivers.

They lived in a street where instead of houses on the other side of the street there was an open railway line. She would tell the kids to "go play on the railway line and stop bothering me". I hated hearing it - these were children without the senses of logic yet - they were too young. What if they went and did what she said?

I questioned her about these things often and she would say "they know I am only joking".

Once out shopping, she was trying on a dress and her 5 month old child was crying. I asked "can I pick her up?" and she yelled "don't you dare touch her - the bitch only wants attention". I knew it was an insane comment then, and now that Alex is almost that age I know first hand how insane that comment is.

There was much much more wrong in our relationship. We both tried to fix it - many times. Of course, it wasn't all bad, and I have only given you some examples of the things that really upset me, but we were very different and we grew more and more apart as the years progressed.

So then there was the final straw. She lives about an hour away from me. I go past her place if I go visit my sister. So when I went to visit my sister recently, I dropped in. She met Alex. Something I swore I wouldn't do - I didn't want her attitude to affect my son in any way, shape or form. I stayed for a while but I still had a 2 hour journey ahead and after Alex was fed, changed and snoozy, I left to continue my journey. She knew I was coming back past again in 4 days time. She said to drop in on the way back. I said "i'll try but will see how we are going and if Alex is settled then I will probably just keep going while the going is good".

So on my return journey, Alex was asleep and I had about an hour left before his next feed by the time I went near her place. I kept going.

Next day I get an angry email from her - she wasn't impressed that I didn't drop in.

It was my final straw. I told her I just couldn't take any more abuse from her. I worded it nicely but i was honest. I told her that we were growing too far apart and it just wasn't working anymore. I told her that I think it was time we ended the friendship.

I got abusive emails from her for the next few weeks.

On my birthday she emailed me to tell me that she hated my husband and told me why. She said some horrible things about what she suspects he is like. She told me that she didn't trust him around her children. It actually made me stop and review whether I was blind to his faults. I hated that she made me question my own husband.

Eventually the abuse stopped but I cried for weeks about it. I still do.

So why then - do you think - that when I dreamt the other night that she came to make amends, that she wanted to start over, and wanted us to really work at our friendship - why did I wake up and actually consider calling her and trying to repair it?

Why can't I stop thinking about her - 2 months after finishing the friendship? Why can't I stop wondering whether I should make contact? Whether I should apologise for being a crappy friend and see if we can salvage some of what we saw in each other all those years ago?

Why would I want to invite the cancer back into my life? Her "friendship" as it was was slowly killing me. I know it had to go, but why can't I get my brain to see that too?

Why do I want to contact her and say "I am soooo sorry. I should have worked harder at our friendship, and I am so sorry that it fell apart"?

It is driving me crazy. Every time I stop to think about anything - I think of her. I think of her when showering, when having a coffee, when I wake up for goodness sake. What is the universe trying to tell me?

Is this going to haunt me forever? How do I get closure on this without it involving any contact with her? How do I stop myself contacting her?

Please help.

My First Christmas!

2007-12-31T09:33:00.000+11:00

I had a lovely first christmas. Mummy and I woke Daddy up early by jumping on the bed and telling him we were eager to see what Santa brought. Daddy was not amused but Mum said it was okay - he would have to get used to this happening on Christmas mornings.

I got spoilt rotten - surprise surprise. Not only did my Mum and dad get me some really cool things but my internet friends sent me the bestest things!

Katt sent me my very own gangsta bunny complete with hoodie! I love it! I love the bright colors best of all.

Darling Net sent me lots of cool things including this book and hat - I love the book heaps and heaps. (mummy also says thank you for her pressie too - she loved it).

Jac also sent me a lovely tshirt and baby's 1st photo frame - noice! Thank you. I am going to look like one cool kid this summer!

We went to Nana's for lunch and she had a baby bonbon for me that included a baby sized hat! Sooo cool - I looked great in it.

Here is a pic of Mummy and I on Christmas day.

Mummy also tried an adult sized hat for me but it was way too big.

I sat in the high chair during lunch and played with my toys. I was such a good boy. I think everyone had a lovely Christmas day.

I hope you all had good Christmases too.

Catch you all next year lol.

Busy busy busy

2007-12-21T22:41:00.000+11:00

I can't stop thinking about my work friend's sister. I went to my work last week and although I didn't see my work friend while I was there, I left him a sympathy card for the family. It seems such a minor thing but I am not sure what else I can do. I wish there was more.

Leni - I am so sorry hun. It is very sad isn't it (that sounds so wrong -"sad" just doesn't say enough). Leni - can you email me if you get a chance? I would like to privately chat to you about this if I could. (email me at mail.bugsy (at) gmail.com - obviously substituting the (at) for @)

Things are busy at casa da bugsy. Alex and I are at the shop every day now until Christmas working. Alex doesn't do much there except charm the customers and the ladies working at the Op shop next door who can't get enough of him. Hubbs loves it as much as Alex there - they love being together - mum gets forgotten but she also gets a bit of a rest caring for the little man. He hasn't been sleeping so well lately with his teeth, and i have been getting about 4 hours of broken sleep a night. I am exhausted. Today I left Hubbs and Alex together at the shop and went and had a sleep in the car for an hour! Desperate measure I tell you!

It's toothypeg time for both of us too. Whilst I have just finished a root canal (with no anesthetic for any of the procedure!), Alex is working hard on pushing out his first tooth. He is drooling like the oceans need refilling, around his mouth it is constantly wet, and his hands are permanently in his mouth. He chews on his fists and then cringes and cries because his gums are sore. He has a little bit of a rash around his mouth too. He won't hold a teething ring and isn't sure he likes it in his mouth anyhow. He is chewing on his other play rings though so that is okay. He has the worst nappies at the moment - roughly 4 dirty nappies in a day and sometimes that can be one after the other! We have been putting gel on his gums and that seems to help too.

Our pram died. The front wheel seized up whilst I was shopping and I had to wheel it like I was doing a wheelie with the front wheel elevated, back to the car, looking and feeling like a right idiot. Hubbs fixed it but it was only a temporary fix as it had worn a vital part. I am waiting for a replacement wheel to arrive in the post, so feeling rather house (or shop) bound at the moment without the pram. Pretty crap for a pram we used for a total of 4 months. It wasn't under warranty because we bought it when we were pregnant with Tukka, and so we hadn't used it since it was bought (because obviously we miscarried Tukka). Still it only cost me $28 including postage for a new wheel so I don't think it is that bad.

Christmas is going to be a shamozzle (great word huh). My family cannot get their crap together and nobody can agree on when we can get together. My sister and I are both being 100% flexible even though we know most dates being suggested mean that our partners won't be able to make it. My brothers are competing to see which date they can suggest that is the most inconvenient for each other and both are being stubborn on dates as well. I am kinda over it although I am sad that Alex won't have my family there for his first christmas.

We are going to have lunch with my mother in law on Christmas day. The rest of the time will just be spent enjoying Alex. Although I am sad my family have chosen not to spend it with my son, I am overjoyed that I can have my son with me this year. I can never say the extent to which I feel so blessed that I have my baby at last. At the same time, every day I think of my friends in real life and here online that are still struggling with the journey of trying for a baby. I hope you all know that I think of you - that I wish every day that your journey can have a happy conclusion.

Alex has been threatening to roll over for weeks now and yesterday 21/12/2007 at approximately 9:30am, he did it! All by himself! All he has to figure out now is how to move his arm as he had it stuck underneath himself lol. Both Hubbs and I were there to witness it, and of course the camera was handy! Here is the pic of him rolling over for the first time! He hasn't repeated it since, but then again, his teeth are worrying him now so play time doesn't involve rolling when your mouth hurts.

Here is a pic of him getting ready to roll. Note his hair is growing and seems very blonde (in the right light there is some red there!).

And this is just one that makes me smile - he has the brightest smile!

I hope all your lead ups to Christmas are non-stressful. Many blessings to you all and Happy Christmas (or happy holidays to those who are not into Christmas).

Much Sadness at Christmas

2007-12-17T12:13:00.000+11:00

Amongst all the joy of Christmas there is so much sadness - I lost my Mum 10 years ago this month, and not a day goes by when I don't wish she was still here with me. Last week at the dentist the dentist was telling me that her parents wanted to come stay but she doesn't have a spare bed - the dental nurse suggested she sleep on the couch and let her parents have her bed and she said "no way - Not giving up my bed for them". Then she asked "Bugsy - would you give up your bed for your mum?" I very quietly said "Yes, yes I would". The conversation continued on around me. The room was oblivious to the emotions and feelings around my answer. If only I had the chance - Yes , Yes I would.

So it was with much sadness this morning that I found out about two more passings. 2 friends I work with had incredibly sad losses over the weekend.

One lost his mum on Saturday. She was aged 81 and peacefully passed, quietly and gracefully - just like she has lived her life. I am so sad for him. I guess I relate to losing your Mum at christmas. It is one of the hardest things that can ever happen.

The other passing is a real shock. My work friend's sister passed on Friday. She passed suddenly and they are still trying to work out what had happened. I am not sure of her age, but would guess she would be around 30. She was married just 5 months ago and was 3 months pregnant. I cannot imagine the shock of her passing. What should have been such a joyous Christmas - such an amazing time in their lives - gone , in an instant.

I have shed quite a few tears this morning after hearing this news. My heart to their families on their passings. Life so very precious - it is never long enough is it.

now if you will excuse me, I have\need to go cuddle my son and store up more of his goodness. I need to breathe in his scent, see his perfection, touch his chubby cheeks and the velvety feel of his hair. I need to absorb him into my skin, and never let him go.

I wish my friends peace this Christmas. and much love and hugs.

I saw Santa!

2007-12-15T16:49:00.000+11:00

He was really nice and let me be his assistant! Check out the writing on my uniform. Here is a pic of us hanging out together.

Of course Mum cried.

Santa said I have been a good little boy and he would be leaving me lots of cool things for Christmas.

christmas is fast approaching.

2007-12-11T14:45:00.000+11:00

How did that happen? how did christmas sneak up on me like that?

We have been well - Alex had his 4 month immunisations today and the poor little man is not taking it well. In between sleeping and drinking his favorite thing to do today is scream and cry. He wakes and immediately starts screaming, tears running down his little face. He is quite obviously in pain. He continues screaming when I hold him, when I change his nappy, when I sing to him, when we heat up his bottle together and when we sit to feed. He stops during feeding but as soon as he has finished his bottle it starts up again until he falls asleep. Screaming and the occassional deep trying-to-catch-my-breath type sobbing. Poor little mite. I have had to resort to baby panadol. I hope that helps him.

Oscar is his guardian - he has taken to sitting near him when he sleeps and guarding him. Guarding him from what? I have no idea. Perhaps from Molly our other cat - you know, just in case she walks by.
Alex has become more hands on with his toys. He loves his colored rings - almost as much as he loves stuffing his hand in his mouth. The rings sometimes make it to his mouth too but he has trouble trying to stuff the large ring in his little mouth.

He also loves his blue blankie which is really really soft. It has a satin embroidered square that says "my precious little baby baby" cute! Ohhh and he sometimes also poses for the camera - hehe.
I have finished the lambie for his Christmas pressie - here is 3 sides of lambie - back view with tail sticking out:
Side view showing pattern at side of overalls.:

And front view - not sure I am happy with the face, but it is okay (since I redid it like 3 times before I got to this one)

I hope he likes it. I love the color of the overalls. Thank you Katt for all your help making it (she answered all my lamb (or should that be LAME) questions).

Happy Birthday Daddy

2007-12-05T18:23:00.001+11:00

Daddy turned 42 yesterday - boy my dad is old! I am not even 1/42th of his age!

Dad and I celebrated by watching TV together.

Today Mum sat me up with all my favorite toys hehe.

She has almost finished knitting me my toy for christmas! yay.

The "no time to post" post

2007-12-04T20:22:00.000+11:00

I don't really have time to post. But I am here anyhow.

Alex is great. He had his 16 week checkup last Friday and is now 6.2kgs and 60cm long - my little boy is not quite so little any more. He has me wrapped firmly around his little finger - yesterday we were at the shops and he was screaming blue murder and nothing I did settled him, so I stopped at one of those seats in the middle of the shopping centre and took him out of the pram - instantly he stopped crying and there was a definite smirk on his face. Two elderly ladies sitting next to me both laughed at him and told me that if I thought I was the boss I was sadly mistaken. Naughty boy! But when he laughed and smiled at me, I could hardly remain annoyed at him.

He has discovered doe eyes and will look all doey at his dad and I - which of course melts our hearts. He will then laugh.

Last night he did not want to go to sleep and being on my own with him still at midnight (Hubbs was STILL at the shop - was totally annoyed with him on that score), I got frustrated and said in a really stern voice "Alex - GO TO SLEEP!" - he just looked at me, hesitated for a second and then gave me the biggest grin. how can you get angry at that?

Today is Hubb's birthday so we are waiting for him to come home at a reasonable time so we can have a nice dinner together. I hope he comes home soon as I don't want to be cooking late tonight.

I am keeping busy - trying to get my chrissy pressies all organised and have been knitting alex a toy lambie for christmas. All knitted now - just got to sew it up and stuff it.

Now could you ever get angry at this?

Showering with Daddy (don't worry - it's G Rated)

2007-11-29T22:57:00.001+11:00

Alex wasn't quite sure about it at first but quickly got used to it - i love these photos - I think he looks so cute in them.

decluttering goes overboard

2007-11-28T07:49:00.000+11:00

ok so I am watching Oprah (please don't dish my religious watching of Oprah lol), and they had a decluttering expert on. He was "helping" a family that had a bit of clutter (incidently I have worse), and the Mum on the show was an avid scrapbooker and had some stash. She had a small amoir (cupboard in Australia) full and about 4 tubs. The decluttering expert said "you can't have this much stuff - you need to get rid of some and not add to it"

HA!

He obviously hasn't seen the average knitters stash. Nor would he be allowed in my house with that attitude on stashes.

I banish thee! Keep thee away from my stash!

We are growing so much

2007-11-26T09:56:00.000+11:00

Alex is growing so much. He recognises certain things we say and particular people like Nana and his Daddy. If I say "I love you", 'are you a spunky boy", "how's my little man" he laughs instantly because I must say them so much he recognises the phrases. I sing to him all the time and he loves it. I always manage to sing songs that have "baby" in them or I change the words to suit like "Hey baby, I wanna know if you will be my boy" He laughs and giggles when I sing to him and lately he has started making noises that presumably is some baby language. I make the noises back to him and he makes more noises and we have a little conversation!. It is the cutest thing. He raises his eyebrows as we talk and then smiles when I answer him in his little baby gibberish language. I lay back on the sofa and he sits on my chest and we talk. I just cannot describe the amount of love I have for this little man. His eyes follow me everywhere. It doesn't matter who he is with, he searches for mum and watches my every move. Nobody every cared about me that much!

Sometimes I sit there with him asleep in my arms. I close my eyes and let my other senses take over. I inhale his amazing little baby scent, then i lean over and kiss his peach fuzz head. I savour the feel of his skin in my arms - the feeling of him touching my skin. My child - my baby. My son. I never thought I would ever feel this way. I try to store the memory of every feeling of him in my brain so i can have that glorious feeling forever. I never want to forget just how incredible he is. I know I would truly give my own life to protect him. He is definitely my everything. He is my heart.

Alex sitting in his new high chair - he is a big boy now!

A new trick : chewing his own fist. Sometimes he sticks his fingers down his throat so hard he gags. Is this the start of an eating disorder?

(of course teddy blankie is with him every step of the way).

Who does Alex look like?

2007-11-22T07:49:00.000+11:00

Alex says "thank you for all his kisses". He thoroughly enjoyed them, as I did.

I had a reasonably nice birthday only sullied by one thing which I am not ready to blog about just yet apart from to say a friendship that has been on the rocks for a long time finally disintegrated in a fiery blaze.

Hubbs gave me a new digital camera and Alex gave me a 2gb card for the camera. The best present of all though was the one I got just over 3 months ago - of course ;-) I also got the cutest little card that said "to mummy" which made me cry. I never thought I would ever get to see one of those.

Hubbs was so nice to me all day - he came home from the shop and looked after Alex for me so I could get some rest, and he even made up formula for him, and got up to him in the middle of the night too - yay.

We bought Alex a high chair too! Since everyone said that he could start solids around 4 months, we have been looking out for one, and we picked up a nice one at Target on special. So then the maternal health care nurse tells me that the age for starting solids has just been changed to 6 months! But we will see how he goes - we might still start a little earlier.

And now a question for you all. Who do you think Alex looks like?

This is me as a baby (actually the ONLY picture I have ever seen of me as a baby - i don't think there are any others!):
and this is Hubbs as a baby:

and of course this is Alex:
I think he is Hubbs all over. When I look at Hubb's baby picture it is like looking at a picture of Alex - just amazing. Guess he will never be denying he is the daddy huh!

What do you think?

Tomorrow is my birthday

2007-11-18T22:34:00.000+11:00

and in the aim of soliciting my own blog - please leave me a comment for my birthday.

For every comment I get, Alex will get a kiss on his cute little peach fuzzy head.

Now it that doesn't make you comment, I don't know what will.

My sister's dogs and Training

2007-11-13T11:22:00.000+11:00

As you have probably gathered by now, my sister has a lot of dogs. In fact, I have trouble keeping track of them all. Here are some of them:

This is Rishy. Rishy was the runt of the litter of pups that their dogs Lady and Kye had. Rishy is still half the size of the other pups in the litter and she is about 5 months old now. We are hoping she becomes like a miniature shepherd (which would be so cool as they are sooooo big). Rishy is very beautiful but a real handful and they really have to try to spend more time training her. Rishy will stay as a pet.

From the left, here are Max (Australian Shepherd), Sarge (a 9 week old pup of another litter that Kye is the father of), and Lady (another rescue dog - Lady was close to death when they rescued her from a family that had no idea how to look after a shepherd pup and had been unknowingly starving her). Lady is now very beautiful and healthy.

This is the big man Kye - Kye is beautiful and beautifully trained. he is like a big teddy bear, extremely gentle but huge.

and finally Old man Rollie - Rollie is a very old Shitzu/Maltese cross and he prefers to stay indoors away from the other dogs.

Here are a couple of photos from the training session - all the dogs walking nicely in a circle:

Here are the dogs sitting and staying perfectly.

In two weeks the Yarram show is on, and these dogs will be demonstrating dog obedience lessons. They are very excited but also very nervous that their dogs will all behave on the day.
They also have (I think) 4 or 5 of Kye and Lady's other pups that they are training for the RAAF. I think Sarge is also destined for the RAAF when he gets a little bigger.

Another picture of Kye - stay standing on a beam:

and Kye sitting (I know I have lots of pictures of Kye but he is just so cute):

And finally new recruit Sarge getting used to some of the training aids:

ok - better go clean the kitchen up - apparently it isn't a self cleaning kitchen.

p.s. no progress on the knitting - so now you know that I really don't have time for knitting - hehe (1 stitch at a time).

We're back!

2007-11-13T09:17:00.001+11:00

We're back and we had a lovely time.

As you can see Alex totally relaxed while we were away:

We were staying at my sister's place, which as well as being their home, is also a dog boarding kennels facility, and a dog training centre. This is part of the dog boarding complex - kennels in the background and exercise yards in the front. (some still being built). The runs are all very big- i think they are 8m long by 4m wide or something like that and the kennels in them are actually kiddy cubby houses so they are huge. Each one is painted a different color - very cute.
They genuinely love dogs and their boarders are very spoilt. Every day they get time in the exercise yard, not just being placed in there to amuse themselves, my sister and her fiance actually go in there and play with the dogs. They also get lots of love and attention and if they are there for a few days, they get bathed and brushed. It really is quite a luxurious doggy lodge.

Do any of you remember the puppy my sister and her fiance rescued? (recap - my sister's fiance went to visit the farm they were buying and on arrival discovered the previous owners were about to get rid of (I will leave your imagination as to how), a puppy that they didn't want - the last of a litter of pedigree Australian Shepherds that they had but hadn't been able to sell. He rescued the pup and brought him home. They called the lucky pup Max. ) Well Max sure has grown up - he is also beautifully trained and is now doing agility training. Here is my sister putting Max through some of his paces.

And here is a close up of Max - isn't he just gorgeous!

My sister also has a cow called bessy and ducks and chickens - including two new arrivals - the first chicks she has had! They are sooooo cute.

Alex took everything in his stride - On Saturday they ran a dog training class and I volunteered to take pictures - (pics next post). Alex came and sat outside with me while I took the photos. It was very sunny so he even got to wear his baby ray ban sunnies. (check out the dummy sitting sideways too - he always does that).

It was nice to be able to share Alex with my sister and also have some help with his care. He was a trouper sleeping 8 hours every night, and being such an angel during the day. Of course he came home yesterday and played up all day and then only slept 5 hours last night. It was quite a trip back - I only did one brief stop to fill up on petrol in Traralgon (68kms (45mins) from my sister's place) so I drove for 3 hours straight and was very glad to stop at the end of it. Alex slept the whole way home. (hence why I didn't stop - if he was settled I just kept going).

So now I have a lot of cleaning up to do.

Back to reality *Sigh*

We're off on a little holiday

2007-11-07T10:06:00.000+11:00

Alex and I leave tomorrow for my sisters. We will be back on Monday. She is up near Sale which is about a 3 hour drive. I am a little scared of the journey - mainly because most of it is highway that doesn't have any areas to stop at so if Alex is screaming or something I am going to have to pull off the highway to some small town to tend to him. I am going to try to time it straight after a feed so I can hopefully get to Traralgon (about 2 hours away) before his next feed. I am also hoping to stop at Bunyip to drop in on a friend for a brief stop.

So until we return here are a few cute pictures of Alex taken at the shop.

This first one is of Alex bouncing up and down on the big roll of filter wool we have (which makes excellent bouncing material).

This is where Alex sleeps when he is at the shop - behind the counter with us.

Close up of sleepy boy:

I am doing ok - been knitting heaps which has me feeling good - this is a picture of part of the front of the jumper that I am knitting for Alex -

I am eating better most days although after eating beautiful yesterday I have the worst headache today. Not good when Alex is having a needy day and wants cuddles all the time and I am trying to pack for us to go away. We also have mother's group this afternoon and I am considering not going.

Anyhow - hope you all have a few good days while we are away. Until we are back.......

12 weeks!

2007-11-02T16:32:00.000+11:00

My little man is 12 weeks old today. Wow. He is growing so much.

We also had our 12 week checkup at the maternal health care centre. It was a checkup for both of us as I had my post natal depression test today. They score it out of 30 - 0 being the best and 30 being "take the child off that woman". Guess what I got?

Nooo - I didn't score 30. I got 2. 2! Guess I am doing okay after all. Of course, Hubbs wanted to know why I got 2 and not 0. I got 2 because 1) I have cried and 2) I put down that I cope MOST of the time not ALL the time. But 2 people! 2! 2 is absolutely nothing. Heck give the woman another child already - she got a 2!

Alex is growing! Here are his current stats as compared against his birth stats 12 weeks ago:

Birth -
Weight: 2.84kgs
Length:48cm
Head circ: 32.5cm

12 weeks:
Weight: 5.54kgs
Length: 58cms
Head Circ: 38.6cm

He was an angel while we were there, laughing and giggling at the nurse. He was on my lap and I was talking to the nurse and she laughed cause he was staring at me and cacking himself over goodness knows what. I have no idea what he finds funny most of the time.

He does favor one side to put his head, although he will turn his head, he prefers to have it looking towards his right shoulder. The nurse recommended I take him to the Chiropractor to see if he can free up his neck muscles so he does hold it properly. He is starting to get a really flat bit on his head no matter what we do.

I soooo love being his Mummy. He is just the most exciting, amazing thing that has ever happened to me. He watches me all the time. If someone else is holding him, he searches the room for me and won't look at anyone else. Even if that someone else is Daddy or Nana. I love that he recognises me but I don't want him to be totally dependent on me.

We have this really special time when he is nearly asleep. Sometimes he cuddles in my arms right before going to bed, and laying there, he will smile and gurgle at me, all the time staring at me. I smile and gurgle back and we have this little conversation. I see love in my son's eyes when he looks at me. And my heart mends a little more. In this world, a little person adores me - ME! Wow.

He is sleeping so well - 90% of the time he goes to his bed still awake and falls asleep without much hassle. At night he has a feed around 9pm, sleeps until around 2am then feeds and sleeps again until around 6am. Such a good boy.

Mummy loves you little man (to the moon and back a million times and more).

So here are his 12 week photos (do you think he has too many toys?)

Ok - here he is without the toys!

I love you punkin.

Getting Organised

2007-10-30T11:06:00.000+11:00

After posting yesterday I went and cleaned the fridge out, even washing all the shelves, then Alex and I went shopping. We bought lots of fresh fruit and veggies. Last night I cooked my own dinner and Hubbs cooked his when he came home later. We had steak and veggies. I marinated my piece of steak in teriyaki sauce in the afternoon, and it was delicious. I even drizzled some honey over my carrots - talk about swish.

This morning I had a lovely breakfast - fried egg, zucchini, onion and tomato, with a little bit of seasonings. Fried in a dry pan without any oils or anything. Then I had an orange. I feel much better. I have a salad planned for lunch.

Thank you to everyone who commented or privately messaged me with suggestions or offering help. I have taken it all in and will be using most of it. Thank you.

We have had really weird weather here lately - one day really hot and then cool days following. Alex doesn't really like the hot days - he really overheats so i have to try to keep him cool (and we don't have air con).
This is Alex on the last hot day:

And this is the sleepy boy today - dressed in his humphrey the bear overalls (I love dressing him). He stretches so much when he is tired. It is the cutest thing.

Recently i won (with Alex's help) a competition on the Huggies website - this week we received our prize pack - a fantastic book on baby massage that I am trying my best to follow, a huggies baby bath robe with hood, disposable change mat pack and some huggies wash and lotions - cool huh!
And lastly - pics of the lovely items that Sitting in Silence sent - aren't they the cutest!

Learning and revelations

2007-10-29T11:17:00.000+11:00

As you go through life, the things you experience teach you a lot about yourself. I think about that a lot these days as I experience motherhood - something I had not experienced before and wondered if I ever would experience. I thought about being a mother a lot, of course. Growing up I played with my dolls and pretended to be their mummy. In my years of trying to conceive I often daydreamed about being a parent. More than "Would my child have my ears, and Hubb's nose?". I wondered what it would be "like" to be a parent. Would I cope? Would I be a good mother? Would I smother my child too much? Would I be too soft or too strict? How would it feel knowing this little person was of my making? When I get a hug and hear "Mummy", how would it feel inside?

Of course, Alex is too young for me to have experienced all of this just yet, but I am amazed at how much in the course of just 11.5 short weeks he has already taught me. I think I have learnt more about myself in this time than in my previous 36 years.

As you know, I recently learnt that I have a real problem with asking for or accepting help from anyone. This was a new revelation for me. I never knew it was such a difficult thing for me to do. (and no - I never said anything on Saturday to my Mother in law, and yes - she did say "is there anything I can do for you").

I have realised too just how badly we have been eating lately. When I first came home with Alex, i thought I was so organised. I was making dinner every night, and whilst I had some difficulty getting organised for breakfast and lunch, I was actually eating something for those meals. Lately, Alex has been more active; more awake after feeds, and being mostly on my own all day I haven't been so good. I have been sick. The IBS (irritable bowel syndrome) has really been attacking me terribly. On Saturday I went to lunch at my Mother in law's best friend's house and actually ate lunch - delicious quiche, salad, fresh bread and pieces of fresh fruit. I couldn't believe just how delicious it all was. The fresh fruit really hit me as it was like tasting pieces of heaven. It was then I realised the extent to which I was eating very badly.

Looking over the last week I have not been having breakfast or lunch at all. Instead I was eating either a handful of potato chips, a few pieces of chocolate or some biscuits. Then at dinner time I was waiting until Hubbs came home at 10 or 11pm (or later), and either cooking something really quick like two minute noodles or scrambled eggs, or sending Hubbs straight back out for KFC or McDonalds. Very very bad. It is no wonder I have been so ill.

With the shop open 7 days a week, we rarely do shopping. Any shopping that gets done has to be done on my own with Alex in tow and that has a degree of difficulty of it's own, so is rarely done as well.

So Saturday was a huge revelation for me. I realised something very drastic has to change. This is what I have come up with:

* I need to fill the fridge with fresh fruit and vegetables
* I need to find quick and easy ways of preparing them so that I have healthy breakfasts, lunches and dinners.
* I need to actually eat breakfast, lunch and dinner.
* I need to clean out the freezer so I can freeze dinners for difficult to cook nights.
* I need to eat dinner at a reasonable time - not wait for Hubbs to come home to begin cooking it.

For me, that seems like a huge list. It's achievable but isn't going to be easy. The biggest problem, especially with the last one, is that my time is completely determined by Alex. He is my first priority. And the fact that I am on my own with him until about 10pm at night (at the earliest) means that making dinner and eating it is totally determined by him. If he is awake and wanting attention, I can't be in the kitchen cooking. If he is due for a feed, I resist starting to cook in case I have to stop for an hour to feed Alex.

So I will have to cook things that can be precooked and heated up later, which also works in Hubb's favour. It means that when Alex goes down for a sleep in the afternoon, I can prepare dinner and even cook it if I have to, and then when I get a chance around a normal dinner time, I heat up my dinner and eat it. When Hubbs gets home, he can heat up his own dinner, or if I am still up I will heat it up for him. It is the only way.

I am going to have to be organised and I don't expect this to be easy. I don't think it is going to be fixed in just a few days. I will continue to have good and bad days but having a plan of sorts is a start.

And I haven't even started on the "I need some rest" bit or "doing something just for myself". Easy does it - let's work on feeling better in the stomach first.

I have learnt lots of other things too. I have learnt how incredible people are out there, and how much they sincerely wish to help me. Even just a comment on this blog, an sms or an email helps me so much to realise that I am doing a good job.

Yesterday we went to the shop for the day and it was a very good day indeed. Alex loves it there and is so intrigued by the fishies. Being there also means Hubbs gets to spend more time with his son, and can help me out with his care. Even just having someone else to hold him or heat up his bottle is such a help. While Alex was sleeping I made myself useful by cleaning the glass on the fish tanks. It felt good to be able to help out as well.

Hubbs loves it too when we are there. Not only does he get a hand in the shop with customers and maintenance, but he loves spending time with us both. He told me last night that after we had gone home, he looked at where Alex had been sleeping and got a bit sad because he wasn't there, and neither was I. He said he missed us.

Because I felt better yesterday as well, I came home and actually cooked dinner for myself (and plated up some for Hubbs for when he got home). We had Chedder cheese curry (recipe over at my recipe web site - linked on the right). It was so delicious.

ok - better get ready to get up the street and get some fresh fruit and veggies - yummmo - I can almost taste them. Have a great day all.

and I will leave you today with a picture of Alex in a lovely tshirt and shorts set, part of the items that Leoni sent him - doesn't he look spunky?

The thing about accepting help

2007-10-26T17:36:00.000+10:00

I love being a Mummy. My son is just so incredible. Every day he learns something new and it warms my shattered heart like nothing I could imagine.

But over the last couple of weeks my IBS (irritable bowel syndrome) has been playing up and I have been having bad attacks nearly daily that don't seem to be triggered by anything in particular. I find myself running to the loo and if that is in the middle of a feed, poor Alex is left crying in his bed until I can return and finish his feed, which can be 20 minutes later. It also comes with a variety of other lovely symptoms like contraction strong stomach pains, and nausea.

My back has been killing me too. My pelvic ligaments are still not very strong from the pregnancy and my pelvis keeps popping out of alignment. I get pains up my back and down my legs and I get to a point where it hurts to walk. Then I go to the chiropractor and he fixes it for me, and I get a few days of peace before it starts again. Not very conducive to losing weight.

All of that combined with the lack of sleep has left me daydreaming about the parents of this child coming home so I can collect my babysitting money and go home to peace, quiet and uninterrupted sleep.

Today I imagined that I was just a nanny and that I had to smile heaps because surely there is a nanny-cam somewhere that is spying on me (so i had better do a good job).

In all my life I have never asked for help. Never accepted any even if someone volunteered and it has absolutely killed me to accept any help when it comes to my son. My mother in law calls often asking if she can help. I struggle saying Yes. Usually I say No - regardless if there is no milk in the fridge and we are eating wilted veggies. The only time I reluctently say yes is if there is something that Alex needs - formula or nappies.

Whenever my Mother in law comes over she says (at least twice a visit) - "you are doing so well" or variations of this "I don't think you ever thought you would do this well, but you are", "you are coping so well". I love it as it is the only encouragement I get, and if makes me feel really good.

I really need a break though. Some time when I don't have to half sleep so I can listen out for Alex. Hubbs could sleep through a chainsaw massacre and he doesn't wake to Alex crying, even when he tries to. I do all the night feeds (which I must admit are not many - he usually has a feed around 11pm, another at 5am and another at 7:30am).

So why then, did I say "No, everything is fine, we don't need anything" to my Mother in law when she called today to say "anything you need?".

The fear of failure! Somehow I feel if I say "yes, please come watch Alex for an hour so I can collapse" that somehow I am failing. That she will stop encouraging me by saying that I am doing so well and I really need to hear that I am doing okay in this motherhood thing.

Don't get me wrong. I am not depressed or anything. I am just tired. A perfectly normal reaction I believe.

I found a lovely antidote though to any times I do get frustrated with Alex. I have found that even when he is screaming his head off for no apparent reason, all i need to do is give him a kiss on his perfect little head and instantly I feel rejuvenated. A small kiss brings out an overwhelming surge of love for his little man of mine. Suddenly everything feels okay again.

I can't sleep during the day. I have tried it again and again and it just doesn't happen for me. Instead I find myself lying awake thinking of all the things I should be doing - washing, dishes, bottles etc. Eventually I have to get up and do one of those things on my ever increasing list.

It is something I am going to have to continue to struggle with. I must force myself to say "yes can you do "x" for me" without feeling guilty, without feeling like I am a failure as a mother.

It's going to be hard.

Tomorrow I am taking Alex off to a luncheon Mum in law is attending at her best friend's house. She wants to show Alex off and it will be nice for me to get out of the house too. It will be nice to talk to other adults. If she asks me "do you need anything?" I am going to say "yes".

Let's see if I can be strong enough to actually do it this time.

Who's a spoilt little baby?

2007-10-25T09:46:00.000+10:00

I think we all know the answer to that!

I have been incredibly lucky since starting this blog to come across some amazing people. One of the most amazing people i have come across is Katt. Look at the incredible things that Katt has hand knitted for Alex:

This incredibly soft cotton blanket is so lovely. The pattern is amazing and it is super soft.

His little hat made from the wool that Katt hand dyed and knitted for him:

The pants and socks also made from the wool Katt hand dyed and knitted for him (the socks are for next year).
A picture of Alex in his pants and hat - I love them all and they fit him so well - I love dressing him in these things, and everyone comments on how lovely they are - Thank you Katt.

But not only those heirloom items did she make for our little buggy butt - but she also sent him a shirt, tshirt and shorts set:

And 3 bodysuits and the cutest little pair of shoes. Everyone oohh and aaahhhs when he wears his shoes out. Talk about looking like a spunky little man.

He is sooo spoilt. He also just received the most amazing clothing from Sitting in Silence too! Another post on that one.

ohhh and yesterday Mummy bought him some baby banz (baby ray ban sun glasses) - hehe.

Finally - Alex's birth story

2007-10-19T10:40:00.000+10:00

I know it has taken me a long time to post this but I finally sat down and transcribed my chicken scratchings on paper onto the computer and wrote down Alex's birth story. It's a long one, so grab a cuppa and read on.

I had lots of plans for the birth of our first baby. I didn’t want a c-section. I didn’t want an epidural. I wanted to have as natural a birth as possible. I had visions of lovely music, of my husband being totally attentive and me looking radiant as I pushed my baby into this world. Of course, in that list was that I wanted to do whatever was necessary for my baby to be born healthy – and if that meant doing a c-section or any of the things I didn’t want to do then I would do it. His safety was foremost on my mind.

Bearing that in mind, I got the greatest selection of music from my lovely friend Lucie. Sadly enough, I don’t remember any of the music being played as once things got moving I wasn’t concerned about music at all. Once at the hospital we never even put the music on, even though I had it all there with me. So clearly not everything goes to plan. Still – I was pleased with the overall birth experience and this is the story of the birth of our son Alexander Anthony.

On Sunday 5^th August I got up in the middle of the night to go to the loo and I knew straight away that I had had a show. It looked exactly as described by everyone. I wasn’t too worried as I knew sometimes you can get a show weeks before your baby is due, and I wasn’t due for nearly a month. I went back to bed and by next morning I was woken with very light contractions every 11 minutes.

The contractions grew in intensity over the next couple of days. On the Wednesday I discussed with the hospital whether I should come in to be checked out or not, and they suggested that as I was still considered premature, I should come in and just get checked out. We actually had tickets to the circus for that evening (a non animal circus!), and I really wanted to go, so I held off going to the hospital and we went to the circus. Wouldn’t you know that our tickets were for the very back row! – somehow I managed to make it up the stairs and sat, having strong contractions throughout the whole thing, and watched the whole circus show. The acrobats were amazing. The people next to me kept looking at me with a very worried look. Hubbs wasn’t sure we should have been there but I was adamant. I even ate a hotdog!

So as soon as the circus was finished, we went home and called the hospital. They strongly suggested I come in and told me off for leaving it so late (I never told them I had a circus to go to). So we grabbed our things and headed to the hospital. They monitored both myself and the baby and said that my contractions were irregular and that I probably wasn’t in real labour yet (sure felt like I was hehe). So I stayed the night there and in the morning the obstetrician came to see me and said I was 3cm dilated and most definitely in labour despite the contractions still being quite irregular (some were 4 mins apart and then they changed to 10 mins apart and then 8mins apart etc). He thought about breaking my waters then to get things going but said that as they were bulging through my cervix he felt I was going to be able to progress things by myself. He suggested I go home and do some walking and that he expected I would be back later that day to have the baby.

In Australia they determine that a baby is premature if born before 37 weeks gestation – and I was 1 day shy of 37 weeks – so if born that day the baby would be considered premature.

So I went home and walked as much as I could and later that day tried using the tens machine on my lower back to counteract the pain, and hopefully confuse my brain to not send out pain signals. But although this worked initially, the contractions became so intense it really stopped working so I rang the hospital and asked if I could come back to use the gas for pain relief – so we went back and I started using the gas – that stuff is awesome! I really wanted to try to have as natural a birth as possible, and the gas is the least problematic of all the pain relief options.

I knew there was a certain point where I wouldn’t be able to have an epidural (too far gone into the labour process), so I was determined to work myself through until I was too far gone for the epidural and have that choice taken away from me, as I really didn’t want the epidural if I could get away without it.

So I kept working through all the contractions through the night and at about 3am the nurse suggested a pethadine shot to help me have a few hours sleep. I did that and got 3 hours of lovely sleep before the shot wore off. At that stage I was 7 cms dilated so things were progressing. When I had the pethadine shot, hubbs decided to go home and shower and change while I was sleeping. I was terrified he would fall asleep or something and miss the birth but he was determined, so he went home and came back about 7am. I was so pleased to see him.

At 8am the next morning the obstetrician came and broke my waters which still hadn’t broken on their own – things started happening a lot faster after that and at 9am I started getting the urge to push. My Obstetrician was off delivering two c-section babies, so they urged me to wait for her return. During this time they were worried about the baby as bubs kept moving and they couldn’t monitor properly, so a doctor came in and put a monitor directly on the baby’s head (internally – yuk). Poor little mite had a cable clipped onto his head. The Obstetrician finally returned about 10am and I have never been so happy to see her. By this stage I had begun pushing as I couldn’t control it any longer, but when she came in she showed me a more effective way to push (by putting my feet up on her hip and the midwife’s hip and pushing against them) and once she did this I felt like I was making so much more progress.

I kept asking if the baby cart had come into the room as they told us in our baby classes that once that comes into the room then you know the baby is very close to being born. I also kept apologizing to the Obstetrician saying “I am sorry this is taking so long, I am sure you have other things to do” to which she would laugh and tell me she had nothing better to do than to help me deliver this baby.

Hubbs tried to be supportive, and kept a cool facewasher on my brow to make me comfortable.

After pushing for an hour the contractions suddenly started dying off, (which was problematic as the baby’s head was emerging!) so they gave me an injection of some stuff that speeds up contractions (synatosis?). That helped a little but they had to keep turning it up to keep my contractions going. Bub was still being monitored and was doing fine. A little stressed but not in danger levels. They kept showing me the head emerging in a mirror and it was amazing. When the head was almost out the Obstetrician let me know she was going to make a slight epistiotomy (a small cut) as it looked like I was going to tear.

She did that and seconds later at 11:54am on the 10^th August 2007, Alexander Anthony emerged into the world. Being born on exactly 37 weeks – he wasn’t considered premature!

They put him directly on my chest, and I looked at the fingers and toes to make sure they were all there, and then checked whether we had a boy or girl – He was a boy. I cried, as did Hubbs – Our son was here. I was pretty exhausted and just held this baby on my chest while the Obstetrician delivered the placenta and stitched up the epistiotomy. (I never even felt any of that).

Alex pooped seconds after being born which was much better than doing that whilst in the womb.

Within about 10 mins Alex had squirmed his way to my breast and latched on. I was so happy as this was the birth experience I had wanted. A very natural birth, and the chance for him to find his own way to breastfeed. They left him with us as long as we wanted just frequently changing his warm blankie for a warmer one. We had him with us in the delivery suite for about 3 hours before we were moved to a ward. By this time he had developed a rather large bruise on his head off to the side. The doctor said that he didn’t come out completely head on but rather with his head slightly sideways (kind of ricocheted out) and this is why he had the bruise. It went in about 3 days.

He had an apgar score of 8 and 9

About an hour after he was born the midwife noticed he was breathing really heavily so she called the pediatrician to the delivery suite just to confirm he was okay. He arrived within about 15 minutes and by this time Alex was breathing fairly normally. He checked him thoroughly and said “he is pretty well made!” and said that he wanted sugar levels checked. So they did that and it came back a little low. Alex was admitted to the special care nursery and formula fed to boost his sugar levels. That broke my heart as he couldn’t be with me, and I wasn’t feeding him.

I was taken around to the ward and placed in a room with three other mothers – all who had c-sections and all who had their babies in the room with them. They all asked me where my baby was – it broke my heart hearing their babies crying and knowing mine was not in my room with me. Of course I was allowed in the special care nursery whenever I felt like it but it wasn’t the same as having him right there next to me.

I slept well that night, but was a little concerned that I felt I hadn’t really bonded with my baby. I was still a little amazed by this little person I had given birth to after all these years of trying. The next morning my fears of this evaporated when I woke and my first thought was my son. I threw my dressing gown on, slipped on my slippers and virtually ran down to the nursery, holding my breath the whole way. I leant over my son’s crib and the flood gates opened. I felt this overwhelming surge of love for my baby – MY BABY! I never imagined even after 5 years of desperate trying that I would have a baby in my arms. I wondered about my 3 lost babies, and whether they would have looked like Alex. At that moment I cried for them as much as I cried for the incredible baby who was sleeping right in front of me.

I was moved the day after he was born from the 4 bed ward to a private room – a lovely private room with a queen sized bed, my own chair and table set, make up table and mirror, fridge and ensuite. Like a good hotel room. I could still hear other’s people’s babies crying but it was a little easier being on my own.

Over the next three days Alex’s levels were checked and stabilized but my milk didn’t come in , no matter what I did, and as you know he ended up being totally bottle fed by 9 weeks. On the third day he was in the special care nursery they noticed he was a bit jaundiced so had his levels checked and he was put under lights for another three days. He hated the lights and being naked – and frequently screamed the whole nursery down. They ended up calling me a few times to come and nurse him as he would scream for them all, but be quiet as a mouse for me. That made me a very happy mumma.

I have it all on video (taken discreetly from over my shoulder) and on photos that HubbsChris was taking (including 4 full on photos of the head emerging and of Alex totally emerging), and Hubbs got to cut the cord.

We stayed in hospital together for 6 days and it wasn’t until the last night we were there that Alex came into our room. I stayed awake all night watching his chest moving up and down and just gazing at wonderment at our son. We went home the next day to begin our new life as a family at last.

Multi-seasonal weather

2007-10-16T14:48:00.000+10:00

Welcome to Melbourne.

Yesterday it was 30 degrees celcius here (that's 86 degrees farenheit!).

It was hot.

The sun was blazing.

I overdressed to go out.

Today it is 17 degrees celcius (62.6 Farenheit) and it is cold and rainy.

I think i underdressed today. I had to also change Alex into something a little warmer.

I hope you are ready for the Melbourne weather Leoni!

p.s. I hope you had a lovely birthday yesterday Joanne - It was great catching up with you and your family last night. I think Alex liked it too.

9 weeks old

2007-10-14T12:50:00.000+10:00

Alex is growing fast. He is starting to outgrow his 0000 suits and has a little more hair now. He is smiling more and laughing a little. He is far more interested in the world around him and seems fascinated by the tv. He recognises people now and smiles more when Nana comes to visit than when he sees anyone else. (even mum and dad).

He sleeps well and although we haven't got him sleeping the whole night through he is doing pretty well - usually sleeping a minimum of 6 hours in one stint.

The cats steer well clear of him, but get concerned if he crys and sit near him staring at him and getting more and more agitated if we don't come running. It is very funny.

Every day I wonder if we are doing all the right things - Am I stimulating him enough? too much? Do I talk to him enough? Should I be reading more things to him? Am I putting him to bed too quickly after a feed? Am I making him stay up too long after a feed? It never stops. I guess that is normal.

I find it increasingly hard to get out of the house. It seems so much effort. If you want to run to the shops to grab something it becomes a major excursion. For example, Safeway have nappies on special at the moment - boxes of nappies $13 off. To get 2 boxes of nappies you need a trolley, so then if you take Alex with you, you have to either put him in a harness on your chest (which quite frankly makes my back ache very quickly), or find a trolley with a baby capsule built into it, and get him set up in there, but then the trolley isn't really big enough to put 2 boxes of nappies in it, or you find someone to mind him. i have gotten great at running up to the shops while hubbs is getting ready for work in the morning.

I have gotten interested in getting some sort of veggies growing. I couldn't put them in the back yard as if it isn't an established plant it won't survive with my dogs, and seedings would not have a chance at all, so I have taken to planting seedlings and seeds in the styrofoam boxes that the live fish arrive in at the shop. I have placed these down our sideway where the dogs don't have access - not exactly what I would like in a veggie garden but it will do. Since we still have quite strict water restrictions here, I am catching rain water (when it rains) for my veggie garden and hope it will be enough as I don't really want to supplement it with tap water if I can help it. So far I have three kinds of tomatoes, and have planted onions and butternut pumpkin. i am still doing research on other veggies that grow well in tubs. I would love to grow carrots but not sure they would do so well. Maybe I could choose a short variety. - Any suggestions on container veggie growing would be most appreciated.

I am still knitting in my ahem "spare" time - as well as constantly trying to get some order into my house. i do feel like I am getting somewhere but have a long long way to go. One step at a time. I feel happy if every day I get one more thing achieved. It may not be noticeable to everyone but I know the difference is there.

And finally - some pictures of the sleeping boy. This is a 000 suit and is a little big for him. If he stretches out he fills the legs and feet well, but as you can see here he does tend to scrunch up his legs when he sleeps which leaves a floppy leg suit. hehe looks like he has funny legs though.

My brave little man

2007-10-10T14:51:00.000+10:00

Alex went for his 8 week immunisations today - poor little poppet.

He was very brave. We had some baby panadol before we went and he cried at the taste - I don't think he liked it very much at all. He was asleep for the rotovirus syrup and in his sleep instinctively sucked on the dropper - he swallowed the lot without even realising he was getting it.

Then we had the injections - 2 in one thigh and 1 in the other. If I had breasts he was actually interested in I would have breastfed him during those, but he really wasn't interested, so instead I distracted him by talking to him and stroking his face. He cried when the needle went in each time but stopped 2 seconds later. After the last injection, he got a huge cuddle from Mummy and went back to sleep.

Since then he has been asleep, and only wakes if he moves his legs - they must hurt him. Then Mummy cuddles him and he goes back to sleep.

I will watch him closely for signs of fever or anything, but so far he seems okay, apart from sore thigh muscles.

p.s. I am knitting again - yay!!!!!!

and with a smile and a chuckle......

2007-10-08T08:52:00.001+10:00

He is such a happy boy in the mornings. - I captured this today after his Daddy gave him his bottle.

I am still pumping and got nearly 50mls yesterday that he also had today. I guess every little bit helps and I just can't let go completely of the breastfeeding challenge.

I overdid it though with our outing on Saturday. Sunday I realised I had a very sore abdomen and I have started bleeding again. The bleeding after giving birth stopped within a week, then I had two weeks of spotting and then even that stopped. Since then I have had two days where I have totally overdone it and the bleeding started up again. So now I am being forced to rest so my weird body can heal.

Baby formula went up in price this week - and I don't mean just a little bit. It was $15.95 in BigW, and $18 something in the supermarket. Now it is $20 in BigW and $22 in the supermarket - how can they increase it so much? Today Alex and i are on a mission to go shopping and find formula at the old price.

Finally - 8 week photos

2007-10-06T23:54:00.000+10:00

Thank you blogger for working properly and allowing me to add pictures.

Alex's eight week photos:In amongst all his toys, laying in his bed with his winnie the pooh blankie.

Being held up in the air by Daddy - a remake of a photo that we have of his Daddy being held in the air the very same way by his Daddy.

He was a star today - we spent the day traipsing through a wholesale pet expo for retailers, and he was such a good boy - he put up with the noisy environment, with us stopping frequently to talk to suppliers, and he never whinged the whole time. Then we took him to my brother's for his 50th birthday party complete with very loud stereo and very very bad karaoke (mostly my brother's very drunk singing). Alex never complained the whole time we were there - he slept through most of it and was happily passed and hugged by just about everyone there. My sister in law fed him and got him to sleep and he slept in his papoose without a care in the world.

Such a good boy today - Mummy and Daddy are very proud.