Thursday, December 02, 2004

Bite me!

I received a Christmas card yesterday from a girl I used to work with. I read it with mixed feelings. She was always lovely but we were never close - our relationship had over the years dwindled to catchup Christmas cards, and the very occasional phone call (once a year if that).

The last time I saw her was a couple of years ago. She had just given birth to her son. A beautiful boy. A perfect pregnancy after many years of infertility ending in successful IVF. She was blessed with the perfect labour too. One thing marred it all. Her son was born very ill. Irreversibly ill. He was born with only a tiny portion of brain. Enough to do everything that he needed to do to survive, but the doctors said he would never walk, never talk, never go to school, never pick flowers from the garden, never say "Mummy". I wanted to hold him - this weak little bubba with the even weaker cry. He didn't scare me like he apparently did to so many of her other friends - they had dwindled when they found out. They just didn't know what to say. I sat with her and said "He is your son - and he is in your arms, and today that is all you need".

I am not sure why we drifted, although we were not exactly close to start with, so I guess it was nothing more than natural progression. I was working, she was living an hour away and being kept busy with her son and his needs. But we did. I think of her often and look forward to the next time we speak, or I hear from her.

So I hated the way I felt last night when I read her card and saw a new name there. She has had another baby. A girl. I wish her all the very best but it kills that she has two miracles and I still have none. Despite the issues her son faces. Even though I don't know how he is now and whether he has proven the doctors wrong. Even though I don't know her journey with her daughter. Despite all that I still feel like I have been kicked in the guts. And I feel selfish and horrible and a right proper bitch too.

So to all those who subconsciously or consciously want to have a piece of me, or want to rub my misfortune in my face again - Bite me!

I have to remember: I am stronger than this. It will not defeat me.

Now the trick is actually believing it.

Other news:

Getupgrrl looks like she might finally be getting her baby (or babies) with her darling surrogate (who sounds absolutely perfect) seeing 2 lines on the HPT. I am so quietly excited for her and trying hard not to be as I know how scared she is of this failing. The acronym being used is NBHHY (Nothing Bad Has Happened Yet). May it continue perfectly. Please babygods, please.

Julie has had her little batman. Extremely excited by this news. May everything go perfectly.


At 4:50 pm, Blogger Burnt Karma said...

Don't worry Bugsy, everything you are feeling is completely normal.
I often felt that horrible emptiness, the "why can't it be me?", "when's it going to be my turn?"

I don't have any answers, but I won't bite you either.



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