Todays troubled thoughts.

So time has passed, Auntie Flood has left, and I have been doing some more soul searching.

It is at this time, every cycle where I get doubts again. Doubts that I can go through another cycle of trying, doubts that I can cope with the fear of miscarrying. Just the thought of another trans vag u/s and those precious seconds waiting for them to find anything, just brings me into a hot sweat, heart pounding, eyes wide open.

But this fear diminishes as the cycle progresses and I am now at the stage where I am fluctuating between the fear and a deep seated knowledge that I will one day have my baby. That one day I will hold that precious child in my arms.

Now I know I am slow, (ok - stop nodding in agreement!), but it has taken me a while to learn that I don't have to be in such a rush to get pregnant. All this frantic babydancing, opks, and my own internal clock egging me on every second has gotten me nowhere! Am I now pregnant? Do I have a child? No. Zip. Nilch. Nadda. Am I about to go into menapause tomorrow? nope - possible (of course), but unlikely.

Then if I relax for a few cycles, concentrate on weight loss instead, I will most likely get to my end result quicker than if I just struggled on with the fight, being the weight I currently am. Surely it has to help.

If it doesn't well, I will have achieved something in my life. I will weigh less, feel better about myself and my own body, and be in a much better position when we do get pregnant.

Of course, all this is just today's troubled thoughts. As I find all to often these days, tomorrow I may feel completely different!

Hope everyone is having a good weekend.