I ask myself "Why?"

Why is it that I want a baby so much?

Is it an inherited urge to assure the continuance of the human race?

Is it because I am so desperate to surround myself with the family I don’t have? To replace the love that is so strong that only kin can provide?

Is it because I have some belief that it is the best present I can ever give my husband – the man who has stood by me through thick and thin, the man who rescued me from myself, the man I love so deeply?

Is it to experience something else? To experience the creation of life at it’s most basic level? To feel a child moving inside me? To discover whether I will be a good parent or if this will just be another thing that I really suck at. Is it to see if I make more mistakes than my friends do with their kids? To see if I will be a better parent than my friends are; or a worse one.

To have someone look up at me and call me “Mummy”?

Is it because I want to know if they will have my hair and hubby's nose?

Do I just really want to change a few thousand diapers and be thrown up on on a regular basis?

Why? I am not sure I really know. But I do know that a baby is something I really want.

I am never ever going to give up this quest. I will try and try until my body shifts into the next phase of this life and stops me from trying ever again.

And I ask myself “why?”