Sunday, October 17, 2004

weird dreams

I had a very weird dream last night

I went to work and was standing in the car park with my laptop sorting out access rights to databases. One of the girls I work with came up and I helped her with her access rights.

Then I walked into the underground carpark and they had a mobile blood bank set up. I walked right up to the desk and said "Can you still give blood if you are on fertility drugs?" and the chicky behind the desk said "How the heck should I know? Just give the blood and they will sort it out".

So she puts the tourniquet on my arm and finds a vein and draws a big cross on my arm in pen. While she is doing that, the next guy in the queue pinches the fat at my waist and says "Surely they can find a vein in all these layers" and laughs - what the?

So I go sit down and wait for the two people ahead of me to finish giving their blood. The first one finishes and rips out the line from his arm, refusing assistance, tears the tourniquet off (why he still has it tight, I do not know), and storms off.

The guy in front of me sits and they set him up. Minutes later he is doing the same thing, Taking swings at the people trying to assist him and groggily standing up and making his way out.

Then it is my turn. I remember thinking "How am I going to do some work after this - I should lay down for a while". At this point I wake up - How weird is that? Someone once told me that Mobile Blood Banks are the government's way of distributing biological agents that they want to test on mass media - sort of like the old "spraying the crops with Agent Orange".

I am 5dpo today - my coffee tastes funny, my bbs are Killing me they are so sensitive (and high beam all the time - sorry TMI), and I have this weird craving for milk - lots of milk. I am trying to remain positive (which is ever so hard), because I don't think it is going to happen (but it must!).

I have been reading a book that a friend recommended. It is called "I got Pregnant, You can too!!" by Katie Bolton. It is written by a woman that after years of infertility decided to take control of the situation and started making some positive changes, one of them was just being positive about the situation. By doing this, she now has a wonderful daughter. I hope it changes my outlook - I so do not want to end up a bitter twisted childless woman.

I want to be like my friend (the one who recommended the book) who said she can now look at pregnant women and say "I am going to have that". I have tried this in the past, because my first instinct is to say "Grrrrr how dare they get pregnant and I am not" but my second instinct is to tell myself "You don't know their journey - perhaps they had it as tough as you did, and if they didn't; if it was really easy for them - then Great - they deserve it - Nobody should have it tough!"

See how bitter and twisted I am!

I have to change.

More on renos later - all going well. This "< >" close to being finished.

1 Comments:

At 9:36 am, Blogger Burnt Karma said...

A psychologist friend told me that it's not so much the content of the dream, but how you feel about it.

You were being judged by others in the dream, you were trying to help (giving blood, giving a part of yourself?) and yet it all seemed too hard.

Trust me, the dreams only get weirder from here. IVF has a great way of really screwing with your mind!

((((hugs))))

 

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