Life throws me yet another curveball.

You know how you feel something in your bones and you just wait for it to happen? Well today it happened.

But first some history. Now follow carefully because this is complex.

When I started at this company, another guy started a week after I did. We will call him "Ted".

Ted is the same age as me.

At my previous workplace my manager had made my life hell. He quit and started a new job the day I resigned. He went to another company and became Ted's manager. Ted quit a week later because of his horrible new manager and came to work with me (remember - he started a week after I did). We thought it was incredible that we could both leave different companies because of the same guy, and end up working together.

6 months later he proposed to his girlfriend and then Hubbs proposed to me. He married in June 2001, we married in October 2001.

Come August 2003 and I miscarried our first baby. Ted announced to the company the DAY I miscarried that they were expecting their first child. Baby E was born the week that my first baby was due. She is beautiful and a living reminder of what I lost. Every time I see her I get a stabbing pain in my heart. I think "That is how old my baby would have been" and every time I hear of her development I think "my baby would have been walking now" etc.

Can you see what is coming?

So you can imagine how I felt late this afternoon, when I overheard Ted telling my manager that they are expecting number 2. and Yep you guessed it, the baby is due at the start of February, about two weeks before Tukka would have been due.

I was shocked and immediately ran off to the loos for a cry. I have been shaking since and I just can't stop crying. It is not enough that their first daughter is a constant living reminder of my first baby, but their second one will be too.

I can't blame Ted. He has done nothing wrong, nor does he know about my miscarriages. It is just terribly bad timing and I feel so cheated.

What have I done to deserve all this? Just as I am starting to feel a tiny bit better. Just as I am starting to go through a whole day without feeling like crap; without crying; without thinking of Tukka every single minute. Why am I being punished in this way? Why? Why couldn't my baby have stayed? Why?

I can't imagine what I have done. This is just incredible.

I f'n well knew it too. I knew it was coming. I just knew it.

and then it came.