8 weeks ago today

Blogger isn't playing nicely tonight - it won't allow me to post pictures - so sorry - no picture with this post today!

8 weeks ago today i was being taken to the ward with my handsome little baby boy. I was relaxed and feeling very good, albeit a little teary at being separated from my baby, who had been taken into the special care nursery.

Since then so much has happened. Alex has nearly doubled his birth weight, and is nearly out of 0000 clothing. He is 6cm longer too. He smiles especially when he should be sleeping, and cries to be picked up and we give in and pick him up - and he thinks we are not watching - cheeky little man.

He is so alert, and has really good head control. He has started making more noises other than just "Hungee" and "uh uh uh uh uh". Today we went to the maternal health care centre and they are very happy with his progress. The nurse is happy with his noises and called it "talking", i spoke to her about how lately he has taken to wanting to feed every hour from 3pm until about 6pm and then he sleeps 6-8 hours. The nurse called this "cluster feeding" and said he is building up his reserves before he sleeps his big sleep. She said it is perfectly normal.

I am apparently giving him enough tummy time, although he is developing a flat spot on his head - we have reversed his bed and moved all his dangly toys on his bed so that he is encouraged to turn his head the other way and hopefully that will make a difference. It makes it very difficult to not develop a flat spot when according to SIDS guidelines he has to be placed on his back for all his sleeping. Still we are doing our best.

Current stats at 8 weeks:

Weight: 4650grams
Length: 54cms

Tomorrow we are heading off to the city for a pet expo for the shop. I hope we manage with Alex there for the whole day - it will be his biggest outing so far. Then tomorrow night we are heading off to my brother's 50th birthday party. A big day out for all.

I have decided what I am going to knit - yay! And today I bought the yarn to knit the item with. (don't tell hubbs who tells me I have enough stash already!). Now lets hope Alex sleeps well so I can actually start knitting (ohhhhh the excitement of starting a new project - I can almost smell that new project smell). hehe

I am doing well and have pretty much accepted that breastfeeding is just not going to happen. It isn't for lack of trying - and every health care professional I discuss the situation with has told me it is time to give in. The maxalon has stopped working, so has the fenugreek. Apparently the other medication given to help increase milk supply has been taken off the market in the US, and my doctor is not comfortable giving it to me knowing there must be a reason it has just be removed from sale.

Alex knows something is amiss and he has reduced the amount of time he will spend at the breast before totally refusing to get back on it. My pumping efforts bear less and less fruit every single time, and I believe my milk has gotten to the point where it has pretty much dried up.

I wish things were different. I really wanted to breastfeed and have gone out of my way to try to increase my milk supply. I saw a new lactation consultant this week and she told me I have done everything I can, and strongly suggested I let it go and just keep him on formula. Not one health care professional I have spoken to has tried to encourage me to do anything more - I think this is more because there is nothing else I can do rather than them just not caring lol.

So, after discussion, we came to a compromise. I will keep breastfeeding as much as Alex wants, and when it is convenient (ie, it doesn't have to be every feed). i will pump only when I haven't been breastfeeding and if my breasts feel swollen or are leaking (which at the moment is never, even if I go a whole day without breastfeeding).

I know some people are going to think badly of me. Some will say that I probably should have tried just that little bit more. But I don;t think there is anything else I realistically could have done. The summation is that I DID want to breastfeed and I tried everything possible to make it work. Everything! My body just let me down and there is little I can do about that.

So my little Alex - Mummy is very sorry that she couldn't make enough milk for you. She wanted to my pet, and she tried very hard - but it just wasn't to be. You are putting on weight beautifully with the formula and you are happy enough just cuddling. Mummy loves you!

The nurse today said I have done a wonderful job persevering for 8 weeks and given him a really good start and not to beat myself up any longer over it. I do though. I wish things were different. I wish I could breastfeed my child all the time. But I am thankful that he is not allergic to formula and that he is healthy and thriving. Not breastfeeding is a small price to pay for that.

So note to self: Stop beating yourself up! This is out of your control and you are a good Mum even if you can't breastfeed!