A letter to Tukka

Dear Tukka,

I have been thinking of writing you a letter for some time now, but to be honest, I needed a little bit of strength. The pain of losing you before we had even met is strong, and I am afraid your mother is weak at the moment.

When we lost your big brother or sister 2 years ago, I wrote them a letter. It now sits in the memory box along with an ultrasound photo. I'm sorry little one but I don't have an ultrasound photo of you. It doesn't mean you were any less real to us, and we love you just the same.

I am not sure why you were taken from us, and I guess nobody ever will. Somebody told me that you left because you had fulfilled what you needed to on this earth, but I am not sure this is true. If so, what was your purpose on this earth? To give me a couple of weeks of joy just knowing you were there?

I just wanted you to know how much you were loved. Your Daddy and I love you so much. If there was anything we could have done to have you stay with us, believe me, we would have done it.

I feel like I may have let you down Tukka. I can't see what I could have done differently but I wish I knew so I could have kept you. The doctors say that I didn't do anything. It was just one of those things, but then why did you leave us? Did you look down from heaven and realise what weirdo parents you would have had and change your mind about joining us?

Last night your Daddy said "when you are pregnant again...." and the words sounded so silly. Last week I was pregnant, with you. Oh how I wish that were still the case. I know what stage your development would have been and did you know you would have started to look human now. I wish you could have stayed.

Oh Tukka, why did you leave? Am I such a horrible mother that the thought of staying was just too horrid? Why my darling? Whatever it was, I could change. I just need that chance to show you just how much I could love you and protect you. So many people loved you, even before your little heart started beating you were loved so very much.

I guess my darling little one, that as much as I don't want to, it is time for me to say goodbye. I have to let you go. I want to hold on to you but I can't do it. I have to let you go. It breaks my heart to say that, but it is true.

Goodbye my darling Tukka. Until next time we meet.

Lots of love,

Your mummy and daddy.