Sunday, September 18, 2005

How do you continue when you can't see the path?

I don't know how to start this post, so I guess I will type and then it will have begun.

I kept very busy today. Remember the knitted napkin rings? I have done 8 now, and just have to sew up 7 of them. I went yesterday looking at fabric at Spotlight to make my own napkins to accompany them, but it was going to end up costing me about $30 just for the material, so I changed my mind. Then I saw some already made ones there for $1 each so I bought 8 of them. But - I wasn't too keen on the color - All I had to choose from was beige and olive. The olive looked horrible, so I got the beige.

Then I went to Go -Lo and they had these 100% cotton tea towels in a really nice weight cotton (blue and white gingham), for 25cents each. So I had an idea. I bought some, cut them in half, cut down the halves to exact squares, and hemmed up the cut sides. Wa - La. My own homemade napkins. So I made eight of them today too. (I will show you a pic as soon as I have sewn up the other 7 napkin rings.). They are marginly smaller than the bought ones, but I think they will be okay.

I also made a loaf of herb bread, and have a roast in the oven. (no - no bun - a roast!)

There has been no sign of AF as yet. Apart from my temp plummetting all the way through to China this morning.

I bought an early HPT and did one this afternoon - a very strong negative, so I don't think I have a hope in hell of being pregnant - again\still.

I am struggling a little today with it all. I am trying to find the joys in life as it is. The simple pleasures of touching my husbands hand, or the joy I got carving up bread I made myself, but it is hard.

I will be 35 in a couple of months. Hubbs will be 40 not long after that. We are getting to the time in our lives when we start thinking about winding down, relaxing a bit, enjoying life.

Is it really fair to being a child into an old fogies home? My mum was my age now when I was born - my dad close to Hubbs age. In many ways I felt cheated that my parents were so old. They didn't want to do anything with me. They couldn't run around with me, although they tried. They didn't want to experience new things with me. When my Mum took me out, people would ask how old her Granddaughter was.

I don't want that. It terrifies me.

I don't care about being old. That doesn't scare me much at all. But I never thought I would be still waiting for a baby at this age. I don't want my children thinking I am old. Feeling they are trapped in a retirement home. Ultimately never getting to see my own grandchildren. Never seeing my children age and see what they do in life.

I just don't know how much longer we can\should continue in this quest.

I am also scared of what will happen if we stop this quest. Have we filled our life so much with trying for a baby that we have nothing else?

I am trying so hard to not let myself fall into the big pit of despair. But it's hard. It's very very hard.

Once again, I find myself balancing on the edge.


At 9:03 pm, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Plenty of older parents around these days. It is almost the norm, so I wouldn't worry about that at all.

At 9:11 pm, Blogger betty said...

Oh Bugsy I know how you feel. You just hang in there girlie. You feel like shit right now but you will mend. Thinking of you and sharing your fear and pain.

At 11:11 pm, Blogger Ova Girl said...'re as young as you feel. You'll be doing plenty of running around and playing with your kids. Hang in there.

At 1:53 am, Blogger Patty said...

Hang in there. When you least expect it, it will happen.

Our one daughter was almost 40 when she had her first and only, a son they call Noah. Other daughter was 36, had her one and only, son, Alex. She was the one that had to doctor in order to get pregnant.

Myself, I had a baby when I was almost 37, she is now 32, and I will be 69 in Oct. But I never had any problems getting pregnant. Although before I did with the first one, doctors didn't know how easy I would be able to get pregnant, since I had to have surgery when I was 16, to have one ovary and tube removed. But the one I had left was apparently very healthy since I ended up getting pregnant five times. And I was also very fortunate, never had any miscarriges.

I wish you the best, just hang in there. I know you get tired of hearing that.

At 1:54 am, Blogger April said...

We're in sort of the same boat. Michael is 41, will be 42 in January. He's starting to feel that he's "too old" to bring a child into the world.

It is, in a lot of ways a balancing act - which is made incredibly more difficult when yo don't have the luxury of just "getting pregnant" right away.

You'll be an excellent mother though - and far removed from the "old fogie" home.

At 2:17 am, Blogger Tara said...

Bugsy, you shouldn't worry about how old you'll be WHEN you get pregnant. My mom was 41 when she had me and no one ever mistook her for my grandmother. I think most of your problem is the way your doctors are handling your case. It's appalling to me that they're just putting you on Clomid and leaving you to your own devices. I'm guessing that your insurance doesn’t cover fertility doctors. Otherwise, I'm sure you would be seeing one. On our first month we did 50 Clomid. My doctor tested my CM and it was fine. When we went on 100 Clomid, my CM was a bit hostile and he told me to do that baking soda douche. If you aren't having your CM checked every month that you're doing Clomid, then you wouldn't know if your CM is working against you. I totally recommend the baking soda douche. Even women who have no fertility problems use it to get pregnant faster. Here's the recipe, 1 tablespoon of baking soda to ever 8 ounces of warm water. You shake it all up and douche. You do that twice in a row on the days you know you're ovulating. I used ovulation predictor tests to make sure. Oh and you should use it about thirty minutes to an hour before you baby dance. I hope my unsolicited advice helps you. I just don't like seeing you so down. This will happen for you, Bugsy. You have to keep positive no matter how much you just want to give up. I totally understand. Sending you positive vibes.

At 4:55 am, Anonymous thalia said...

Some friends at work had their children when they were both in their forties. They say now that they're friends with people 10 years younger - their kids' friends' parents - and that that keeps them young. You'll do fine.

At 7:36 am, Anonymous MrsHUGS said...

awwww... Bugsy I have tears in my eyes...
Remember I just turned 40 and am expecting a Bubs Nov/Dec, you know our history but I can tell you this, being our age wont stop me or DH (47) from doing/being the best parents we can be to our child...
Also remember what my professor told us a couple of weeks ago, that he didnt see why we couldnt have another one after this one, but I have declined on that offer... hehehe...
Please dont give up...
Our thoughts are with you...


At 10:39 am, Blogger Mama Mouse said...

Bugs ... my mother was 36 when she had me. My father was 43. I didn't feel like they were 'OLD' ... they were my parents and I loved them.

Everyone here is right ... its OK to be your age and OLDER and still have a baby! As long as you are healthy and can take care of one ... what difference does age make really?

My ancestors had babies till well into their fourties ... it was considered normal.

I'm sorry you are feeling so badly ... big HUGS to you!

At 2:55 pm, Blogger Katt said...

Hey hun. Dont give up hope yet. I know i had a few friends who had older parents then I did when I was younger. They didnt feel left out of anything. Their parents were more stable then others.

As Seepi said its become the norm to have them later in life now anyway. What about that woman somewhere on the other side of the world that had both hers in her 50s!!

You will be able to see your child grow up and become an adult. Goodness reading your post you would think you plan on dying before you are 50!

We love you lots Bugsy hang in there hun.


At 10:39 pm, Blogger end_result said...

I can hear what you are saying.

Just remember we are there with you holding your hand, we won't let you fall!


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