Friday, December 15, 2006

thank goodness it is Friday

Hi guys,

Christmas is fast approaching and i am totally unprepared for it. We just don't have any christmas spirit this year. No decorations have gone up, no tree and I haven't written one card.

I certainly haven't had a chance to really buy any presents. I have some I have bought throughout the year, but I am way behind the eight ball when it really comes to presents, especially the ones that have to make their way over some sort of water!

I am feeling okay. Very tired but that is the progesterone supplement I am taking (may I just say - crinone- YUK). I have had a pain, sort of like a stitch (but not really) near my belly button, not sure what it is. I played with the notion of it being implantation pain, but I bet it is something like the smaller follicles that were too small to harvest collapsing or something.

I have been having dreams. Dreams of one making it, dreams of both making it, dreams of that 12 week scan and being told they have both died, or we have lost one and will likely lose the other.

But mostly my dreams are of waking up and finding the false pregnancy symptoms brought on by the HCG trigger shot and helped by the crinone gel have faded, and there are no pregnancy symptoms there to take over. That neither little embryo has actually made it.

This part of the process is more stressful than I thought it would be. It is like waiting for the inevitable bullet, for that pie in the face that you just know is coming. And - I am betting I get my period on Christmas day just to round the hurting off nicely. What better way to end the year than a period, and what better way to start the next year with a negative blood test on the 2nd January.

My sister moved this week to her country place (settlement is today but the lovely people who they bought the place off have allowed them to move in early) - tomorrow Hubbs and I are going up to see them. I can't wait.

I also have a dilema. You may remember a certain crappy friend of mine, that i have spoken about before (I am too lazy to go back and link the posts). We are supposed to be friends, but we really haven't been that good to each other over the years. It started because I didn't like the way she treated her kids. (There is something about her calling me for a chat when her young children were in the bath unattended, and when I mentioned that she should be there with them and she said "nah, hopefully they will drown", - something about that that I find upsetting!)

Then she took an instant dislike to Hubbs when she first met him because it meant less time I had for visiting her (she is in the country so it is a full day trip).

Then she hurt me by giving her second daughter all the same godparents as her first (her first has 4 godparents including me) with one exception - Me. She invited me to the ceremony and I stood there and heard - "how exciting that you are godparents to both children", and that is when Hubbs and I left. I was heartbroken that she had deliberately excluded me. I could have understood if she had chosen completely different godparents for her second but to have exactly the same godparents minus me - well that just hurts.

Then she went crazy at me because I was a few days late with her daughter's birthday present (when, mind you, she has not so much as said "Happy birthday" on my birthday for the last 10 years - it is just totally forgotten).

But the final straw was after I lost Jayden. The day we found out I called her to let her know. I was hysterical. I had just found out my baby had died and was about to go into hospital to have him ripped from me. Now I understand that not everyone knows what to say in that sort of situation.

But when 2 days later she saw me on msn and said "What are you doing home? Are you sick?" and I said "um No, I am recovering from the D&C that I had to have after my baby died, and I am emotionally not ready to return to work either" and she said "ohhh yeah. I thought you must have had the flu or something". I said nothing, just went offline.

After that I blocked her. I haven't called her or emailed her or anything.

I can't believe she just "forgot" about the tragedy of losing my child. I can't believe she calls herself a friend, yet never so much as emailed me to say "How are you going?".

So - my question to you all - Should I send her a christmas card? I have already decided that I am not going to send her children presents - since I haven't seen them in 2 years now and they don't remember who I am. *they are now 8 and 6

Should I have it out with her and end this farce of a friendship or just leave her as blocked and get on with my life?


At 7:53 am, Blogger The Momma / MrsHUGS said...

Bugsy I think in your condition that you dont need the stress of having it out with her, if she hasnt bothered to contact you I would bother contacting her...

Money is really tight here and I still had presents to buy but wont and there wont be all the trimmings on the food table this year either...

Having to move really killed out bank account, so I am now looking forward to Xmas 2007...

Best thing is that I will have all my babies with me on Xmas day... Woo Hoo...

Wishing all that read Bugsy's Blog a happy Festive Season...


At 9:17 am, Blogger ms. c said...

My 2 cents: leave her blacked, and move on. Better yet, delete her. You SO do not need that in your life.
(Just found your blog, and gonna go read about your PCOS...)

At 9:18 am, Blogger ms. c said...

(oops, leave her BLOCKED.) eeks.

At 9:23 am, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I can't believe cristams is just around the corner !

You are right she is no friend, I wouldn't send her anything but I would send your Godchild a card to say that you are thinking of them during Christmas.

I hate crinone too !!
Take care

At 11:09 am, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Life's too short for toxic friends.

At 12:56 pm, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Bugsy - I had (note the past tense) two friends like the one you have. If you feel merry enough, send her a christmas card and nothing else. And definitely no gifts for her kids (save that for your own). She doesnt sound like a friend worth having or investing time on.

At 12:56 pm, Blogger Katt said...

Delete her...Ignore her and move on..You dont need friends like that. I removed two friends from my life only a few years ago. They were high matainance..And to tell you the truth..There are times I miss chatting with them..but on the whole..I dont miss the stress..


At 1:57 pm, Blogger three minute palaver said...

leave her blocked, don't send her a card and try not to dwell on your friendship with her. she doesn't deserve you and she doesn't like your husband. It won't work out unless she has a big change of heart. I'd give her the flick.

also, been thinking of you and thinking and sending sticky, sticky thoughts your way.

At 7:02 pm, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm with the others, I'd just let it be, you don't need 'friends' like her. Spend the time you would have used writing her card on doing something for yourself instead. You deserve some more 'you' time.

Fingers crossed for the 2ww.

At 9:21 pm, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey :) i just stumbled over your blog, I have the same condition as you and have had two losses this year, so my heart goes out to you.

I just wanted to say you deserve better than this. I don't see how it is possible to cultivate a 'friendship' such as this when it seems already non-existent. You owe it to yourself to surround yourself with people who will support you, expect nothing from you (because when we are down in the dumps, there aint a lot we can do) and who will extend to you the consideration you would show them.

Do it for you! Take care :)

At 11:27 am, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Bugsy, your friend (so called) sounds like such a negative person. After all that you have been through you don't need someone like that in your life. I too have had to let go of friendships mainly because I had grown past needing them in my life. But I've grieved for the loss of the friendship.

It sounds so one-sided, you seem to do all the given, offering support and gernerally being the friend. While she seems to just tak you from granted.

I agree with everyone else here, keep her blocked and don't send her a Christmas card. Sometimes you just need to let go, even though I know that it will hurt you because you are thinking of you God-daughter and missing her.

As for Christmas, last year I didn't send a card, didn't put the tree up, didn't put any lights up and only did the Christmas shopping at the last minute and went about it with hardly any enthusiasm. But this year it is different for me, and possibily it will be different for you next year.

So Merry Christmas or Bah-hum-bug if you are so inclined!

At 1:16 pm, Blogger Meg said...

Bugsy - I will add my voice to the chorus of "leave it". I've had to let go of friends through this process too. It's still upsetting, but not as upsetting as the disappointments and confrontations.

My love to you. xx


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