thank goodness it is Friday

Hi guys,

Christmas is fast approaching and i am totally unprepared for it. We just don't have any christmas spirit this year. No decorations have gone up, no tree and I haven't written one card.

I certainly haven't had a chance to really buy any presents. I have some I have bought throughout the year, but I am way behind the eight ball when it really comes to presents, especially the ones that have to make their way over some sort of water!

I am feeling okay. Very tired but that is the progesterone supplement I am taking (may I just say - crinone- YUK). I have had a pain, sort of like a stitch (but not really) near my belly button, not sure what it is. I played with the notion of it being implantation pain, but I bet it is something like the smaller follicles that were too small to harvest collapsing or something.

I have been having dreams. Dreams of one making it, dreams of both making it, dreams of that 12 week scan and being told they have both died, or we have lost one and will likely lose the other.

But mostly my dreams are of waking up and finding the false pregnancy symptoms brought on by the HCG trigger shot and helped by the crinone gel have faded, and there are no pregnancy symptoms there to take over. That neither little embryo has actually made it.

This part of the process is more stressful than I thought it would be. It is like waiting for the inevitable bullet, for that pie in the face that you just know is coming. And - I am betting I get my period on Christmas day just to round the hurting off nicely. What better way to end the year than a period, and what better way to start the next year with a negative blood test on the 2nd January.

My sister moved this week to her country place (settlement is today but the lovely people who they bought the place off have allowed them to move in early) - tomorrow Hubbs and I are going up to see them. I can't wait.

I also have a dilema. You may remember a certain crappy friend of mine, that i have spoken about before (I am too lazy to go back and link the posts). We are supposed to be friends, but we really haven't been that good to each other over the years. It started because I didn't like the way she treated her kids. (There is something about her calling me for a chat when her young children were in the bath unattended, and when I mentioned that she should be there with them and she said "nah, hopefully they will drown", - something about that that I find upsetting!)

Then she took an instant dislike to Hubbs when she first met him because it meant less time I had for visiting her (she is in the country so it is a full day trip).

Then she hurt me by giving her second daughter all the same godparents as her first (her first has 4 godparents including me) with one exception - Me. She invited me to the ceremony and I stood there and heard - "how exciting that you are godparents to both children", and that is when Hubbs and I left. I was heartbroken that she had deliberately excluded me. I could have understood if she had chosen completely different godparents for her second but to have exactly the same godparents minus me - well that just hurts.

Then she went crazy at me because I was a few days late with her daughter's birthday present (when, mind you, she has not so much as said "Happy birthday" on my birthday for the last 10 years - it is just totally forgotten).

But the final straw was after I lost Jayden. The day we found out I called her to let her know. I was hysterical. I had just found out my baby had died and was about to go into hospital to have him ripped from me. Now I understand that not everyone knows what to say in that sort of situation.

But when 2 days later she saw me on msn and said "What are you doing home? Are you sick?" and I said "um No, I am recovering from the D&C that I had to have after my baby died, and I am emotionally not ready to return to work either" and she said "ohhh yeah. I thought you must have had the flu or something". I said nothing, just went offline.

After that I blocked her. I haven't called her or emailed her or anything.

I can't believe she just "forgot" about the tragedy of losing my child. I can't believe she calls herself a friend, yet never so much as emailed me to say "How are you going?".

So - my question to you all - Should I send her a christmas card? I have already decided that I am not going to send her children presents - since I haven't seen them in 2 years now and they don't remember who I am. *they are now 8 and 6

Should I have it out with her and end this farce of a friendship or just leave her as blocked and get on with my life?