Monday, December 13, 2004

Hostility and tears at my house

I have had the worst weekend. And I have discovered one important thing - when my husband is hot, tired and his back is sore, he is one nasty person.

Saturday night it started. Since I am about to Ovulate any second I tried delicately to entice hubby to bed. He said he just wanted to finish a couple of things first. Well he came to bed after midnight. At 1:30am when he was still not "in the mood" I drifted off to sleep, and he woke me up and said "forget it, just go to sleep". He still wasn't "in the mood" and I think he was more angry at himself than me, But I took it to heart. I tried to talk to him about it but he was angry and nasty back. I couldn't stand it.

I got up, got dressed and went for a drive. My aim was to go to our other house, but only a few kilometres down the road I realised I was driving really badly and would never make it without having an accident. This invoked pondering moment 1.

[pondering moment 1]
Do I continue on, unconcerned about the possibility of having an accident; just hit the closest brick wall as fast as I can or; go home?

I decided to go home. As soon as I unlocked the front door I could hear hubby snoring. How concerned he was for me leaving! He must have given it no thought at all before falling asleep. Probably I was just being a silly female and would calm down and see sense eventually!!!!!

I made myself comfortable on the couch and cried myself to sleep.

Now here is the fun bit - this will tell you just how screwed up I really am.

I got up at 5:30am. Went and checked hubby and saw the covers had fallen off him, so I covered him up nicely again.

I went and put some washing on and then cried and snoozed on the couch again.

Hubby woke up at midday and walked around like nothing had happened. He never noticed that I was silent all day.

So sometime in the afternoon I decided to try to pretend nothing had happened <--- (notice the coping mechanism in action).

It got later and later last night and he wasn't coming to bed. I decided to ask him if he was coming to bed. The following conversation occurred:

"Honey, are you coming to bed soon?"

"nope" <- said in a weird sarcastic voice, like the cat that found the cream.

"oh. I was just wondering..... you know, why?"

"'cause I don't feel like it. I am not in the mood."

"honey, I don't mean to hassle you, but I am due to O any second and if we don't babydance soon, we might miss the boat this cycle"



"who cares?"

At this point I was totally shocked. What was going on here? I sat down next to him, held his hands and tried to work out what he was saying.

"honey, are you saying you have decided, without discussion, that we should stop trying, or that we should give this cycle a ......"

"hey check out the cat, he is balancing on the handles of the excercise bike like a parrot. Look we have our own parrot"

So after he interrupted my very important question, I was left dumbfounded, staring at him in disbelief.

I knew then, in my heart, that he had given up. He has made the decision, whether conciously or not, that it was all too much and he didn't want to continue.

I got up, went to bed and once again cried myself to sleep, the process becoming so familiar to me now that I may have trouble ever getting to sleep in the future without crying myself to sleep.

He didn't initially follow me.

He came in about an hour later, and saw I was still awake. By way of explaining himself he simply said : "I am tired, hot and my back hurts. I haven't made any decision or given up. I am just not in the mood today".

Then he left the room.

Where do I go to from here?


At 10:32 pm, Blogger Burnt Karma said...

My suggestion is counselling.

He feels like he's being used for just one thing. Possibly for the first time in his life, he is feeling used and useless.

Men like to fix things. But he can't fix this. He has no idea how long this is going to go on for.

At this point your marriage can get stronger or it can fall apart. You have to keep the communication open, otherwise you'll both go "quiet" and pretend to cope and develop all sorts of hostilities. leaving the house and then returning, only to feel like he hasn't noticed? I reckon he noticed all right, he was just too scared to say anything to you because you might have exploded at him.

It doesn't help to have a ticking time bomb every month.

At 11:52 am, Blogger Bugsy said...

Thanks hun.

It is certainly something that we have discussed, but right now, he doesn't want to go there. I am so concious of ttcing not ruining our marriage. Every time I suggest we take a break to concentrate on each other for a while, he is the one to say No. He wants to continue. Believe me I am trying my best not to make him feel used. I have tried to change the babydancing for the sake of making babies to dancing because we want to; just for the sake of it.

Hope all is well with you. Take care


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