Tuesday, December 14, 2004

White flag raised

Is there a form to fill in to get out of the human race? Some phone number somewhere that I can call with an easy, voice prompted, "press 1 to leave the human race, 2 to become one with Buddha, 3 to restart life as a cat ...." .

I am over it. Totally and utterly.

I want to leave for a better place. Just tell me, someone please, how to get there.

I have so much stress at the moment, and I can't see the finish line. Is there a finish line?

My house is a war zone and hubby is STILL f'n painting and decorating. He seems to think that once he has done his perfect little corner of painting that the whole house will be perfect for the gazillion guests we are having at Christmas. How the F does that work??? (did you know that pressing the keyboard hard when you are upset really does help!).

My future brother in law did the lawns for us at our other house. Okay so they were bad but there were no edges to do, he never finished the lawns and he used our equipment and petrol. Once he had finished he told me that he wanted $50 for doing it. What the? Yep I paid him, but I won't be asking him to do them again. I just can't afford it.

As for our recent little spate of problems - they continued last night. We tried until 2am but it just wasn't happening. I tried not to get upset, and tried to be supportive of hubby but I tell you it took every ounce of my strength. At least hubby was better about it last night. We just held each other and he said that he was sorry that it wasn't working and I said nice things like "it's okay honey, it happens, We are both tired". Then we both went to sleep. Well, he did. I laid awake for a bit longer with unshed tears. In total I got less than 4 hours sleep because I had to be up at 6am for work. He slept on, and is probably still asleep.
I cannot continue on like this - I am too tired. I think it is time I waved my white flag, at least for this cycle, and concentrated on sleep time rather than babydancing time. I am at work now, grumpy, tired and sad. I have more unshed tears taking up room around my eyes.

We sort of talked about it last night, talked and sat and cuddled, just spending time together. The biggest thing is that he won't admit there is a problem. As far as he is concerned, there is no problem at all, just a continuous stream of unfortunate events. When I say "sort of" talked I mean that we talked about it, but as soon as he started getting upset about it, we stopped talking. If I had the chance I would have talked for much longer about it.

I think he is really low at the moment. I won't hassle him - just try my best to support him and just enjoy spending time together. So this cycle is a bust - big deal!! I would rather bust a cycle than bust our marriage.

I have a few friends due for AF around Christmas Day. I am now hoping that they strike it rich. I so want to hear about their successes and that they get BFPs. I know they kind of feel funny at the moment, telling me how good the bding has been for them, but I am so pleased that they are not having the same crap I am. You girls rock - you know who you are.

Take care all - I am off to do some work - might even consider leaving work early and going home to sleep.


At 4:18 pm, Blogger Net said...


You are having such a crap time of it lately, I only wish that there was truly something I could do to help, I really do.

I honestly think that you and dh need to concentrate on you as a loving married couple, have some time for just you and him, no outside crap. I know this is hard, but you want to stay together with the man of your dreams, I know you do, focus on Christmas and the New Year with your dh and have yourself a merry christmas, let your hair down, have fun and above all, remember that your dh does love you.

You talk about these "friends"of yours, you do realise that you also rock and are a true friend.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all your help and friendship during this past year, if I had not met you, I fear that I would still be in that 'black hole' we all go to occassionaly. So in saying that, dont you dare check out of this thing we call the human race, because without you, my life would be a complete mess.



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