Tuesday, May 03, 2005

So how do I really feel?

Thanks everyone for your vote of confidence.

I realised this morning that the post I did yesterday didn't really convey any emotion. I read it today and it was just like a series of statements. I was just telling it like it is.

What it didn't convey was the heartfelt emotion of what I really feel about it all.

Let me attempt to rectify that now.

I panicked all morning. I kept sitting down, wringing my hands, standing up, going for a walk, to the loo, outside, back in to yell at hubby that we only had 3 hours before we had to be there and why wasn't he out of bed yet? In the end he got me doing something mundane (checking out the new baby fish (Jack Dempsey Cichlids) in the fishroom) just to keep me occupied.

I was terrified going to the appointment. I know it is only a 15 minute drive but we left 30 minutes early, just in case. Still I worried we had left too late. We got stuck in traffic on the road leading up to the clinic and I could see the clinic sign up ahead but the traffic just was not moving. I contemplated getting out of the car and walking there, whilst my stomach churned. I felt sick. I felt hot. I couldn't breathe. I read and reread the appointment letter to ensure I had read it right. Had I got the place right, the time, the location. Had I missed something vital? Was I dressed okay (you have no idea how many times I changed before we left home).

We got there in plenty of time, had our choice of car parking and let reception know we were there. Then proceeded to wait 45 minutes past our appointment time until he was free. I sat in the waiting room, fidgeting the whole time until hubby grabbed my hand and just made me sit there albeit not patiently.

The Prof was really nice and didn't rush me as much as I thought he would. I know his time is precious but I was paying $120 for like 15 minutes of his time, so I wanted to get my 15 minutes! A couple of times I had to slow him down and get him to explain something, but he was pretty good about it. He was definitely interested in the whole funding cuts debate - we discussed it at the end.

I am not saying that I am not happy with the outcome. I don't believe that he would say that we probably won't need IVF or that he thinks that the clomid would really help me if he didn't really believe it based on our history. I do ovulate but it is a moving target. Hubby's back pain certainly doesn't help the situation, when he is too sore to babydance.

I guess I really wanted that magic answer. You know the 2 pill approach - take one pill now and go to sleep - tomorrow you will be pregnant, and then take this next pill and you will be guaranteed not to miscarry. Bake for 9 months and deliver healthy happy babe and get on with life as a Family.

I don't feel I got that entirely. I don't really feel like I am moving ahead. Yes I am doing something, and I am probably in the right place now, but without actually being pregnant and delivering a child, I am no better off than I was a day, a month or even a year or two ago. Is that cynical of me?

A part of me is disappointed. A part of me is elated. A part of me is just going with the flow and putting my faith in someone else.

I shouldn't feel this way. In telling me that he doesn't think we will need IVF, he is telling me that I am luckier than so many others at his clinic. I feel quite selfish that I am not jumping for joy at this news. I feel ungrateful that I am not happy that my body is not as screwed up as I thought it was.

But it doesn't really change the fact that today, right this minute, I am not pregnant. Tomorrow I won't be pregnant either. Today I am the same as all my infertile friend, no matter how infertile I am, or they are. Today we are the same.

In that way, nothing has changed, and I still feel sad, a failure, a barren woman with not much hope for the future.

So am I really happy with my appointment yesterday? I am not sure. Ask me again after next cycle.

ok - spilled my soul out now - why do I feel like I am Dougie Houser all of a sudden? (and why am I the only person who remembers Dougie Houser M.D.?)


At 5:59 pm, Blogger shell said...

Oh I Remember DH. too. I LOVED that show. Used to be my Saturday night ritual. Hang in there L. I'll be thinking of you. Do some more knitting so that WHEN you DO get pregnant your bub will be the best dressed one in town *huge grin* sending good vibes

At 8:12 pm, Blogger Ova Girl said...

I reckon this whole process is hard enough without putting pressure on yourself for not feeling happy or grateful at his response. It's ok to feel however you feel. Maybe it feels like you are just treading water and nothing's changed but it sounds as if you are being quite proactive.

At 12:32 am, Blogger PJ said...

As Ova Girl said, at least you've made a step. How you feel about it is not as important as the fact that you're actually doing something.

Don't be jealous, I actually met Neal Patrick Harris on a camping trip before he became Doogie Howser. Our families stayed at the same camp ground and I met him at the pool. He was just a regular kid back then. I thought he was cute and then a couple years later he had his own show. If I knew then what I know now...

At 11:57 am, Blogger Burnt Karma said...

It is a freaky, freaky time all round. It's such an emotional upheaval too - the fate of your child is in the clinic's hands in a way.

By hook or by crook, you will get your family.

At 8:29 pm, Blogger Lesley said...

I can understand your feelings totally and I know that it is hard to wait even another minute and wanting a magic pill or button has been on my top priority list too. If I find one I will send it over to you.. I am sorry that it's not moving fast enough but it's going to happen. I wish I could tell you when.
Yep, I remember Dougie Howser from early teenage years. I thought he was pretty smart for such a young guy..lol..
Take care and I hope that things work out better than you thought.

At 8:40 pm, Blogger Katt said...

I think any emotions you are going through right now are normal. This is a big step. And (fingers crossed) a huge step forwards for you and DH. Its a new thing and unknown.

Also I remember Dougie Houser M.D.



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