Another day in hell.

I am not exactly sure how I feel today. I woke up in the middle of the night, felt my enlarged boobs and thought "I am still pregnant" and a tiny bit of hope sprang back into my life. Then hubbs came home from work and we talked and he told me that he doesn't have any hope. He said he feels the same as me, that hope has been ripped from us, and that our dear darling tukka has gone - before he\she ever really had a chance to even "be". I didn't tell him that a tiny bit of hope had come back into my heart.

Then I got up and went to the loo and I gushed blood. It was like urinating but with just blood. Any fleeting thoughts of hope went then I think.

I had quite a bit of pain all morning. I had to go to the IVF centre to do another blood test and I sat in their waiting room aching and muttering under my breath "hurry up for god's sake hurry up".

Coming home from there I stopped at the supermarket (I needed some of those extra absorbant overnight pads I figured), and I went in, went down one aisle, got them, and I was sooooo tired and sore I just went and paid for them and went straight home. Walking to the car an elderly lady passed me - That is how slow I was.

Then I spent the rest of the day with my feet up, knitting that scarf. After about an hour of doing that, the pain lifted and I felt human again. (proof that knitting is medicinal)

Hubbs made me promise I would cook something decent for dinner for myself, so I cooked a chicken fillet with veggies, herbs and stock and some lemon juice. It was really nice but I couldn't eat it all. I made about a cup full of veggies and the chicken fillet but it was just too much.

I have been wondering whether I should remove tukka's ticker at the top of this blog. It seems so final to remove it, but if I hear on Monday or Tuesday that there is no hope, I will remove it. Oh god it hurts just to think about doing that. It sort of hurts me though - seeing it sitting there, the happy baby smiling up at me.

This might be a sight I never see - Will I ever see my baby smiling up at me, arms outstretched to be held? Will I ever know what that is like? Will I ever hold that sweet smelling soft skinned cheek to my cheek and wonder at it's softness? Will my cheek ever feel those open mouthed kisses that little babies give?

Even if My much wanted Tukka is still there, safe inside me, for how long will I have him\her? A week before this happens again? Two? Will I ever fell him\her move within me? Will I ever go through labour and feel the elation of my child's first touch? (ok so the labour bit I can live without).

Who is to say this isn't going to happen with my next pregancy? and the one after that, and the one after that as well?

Can I do this again? Can I put my heart through the wringer again? will there be anything left?

I
Just
Don't
Know.

and I don't know that I ever will.