Trying to make some sense of my thoughts and emotions

Thank you all for your concern. I think I am doing a little better today.

My husband says we must have hope. Hope that Tukka is still there. Hope that the blood tests are wrong - a result of different labs doing the work. Hope that somehow we will get through this and I will still be pregnant. And if that hope fails, hope that we will learn something this time that will help us keep the next baby (if there is another baby).

This may sound cruel of me to doubt that hope, but I just know that tukka has gone. Whether this is self preservation, or wishing the worst in the hope that I am wrong, I don't know. Maybe it is mothers intuition. The same intuition that made me think something was wrong 4 hours before I started bleeding.

Part of me knows that this is why I haven't let myself get too attached to tukka (I hope that doesn't sound bad). I never wrote in my diary about tukka yet. I wanted to. I meant to every day. But for some reason, I couldn't do it. I made lots of excuses - I was too tired, it's early days but I still didn't do it.

I never looked at my knitting patterns or cross stitch patterns to look for something to make for Tukka. Instead I planned out and started a jumper for Hubbs. I think part of me was just too scared to get attached to this baby. You see I have been to hell and I know bad stuff does happen. Frequently it happens to me.

I talked about tukka, to my online friends, on my blog, and on a baby chat-site, all trying to convince myself that this would actually happen - that I would get a baby out of this.

I would love to go today and have the doctor say - "oh look, there is your baby" I want nothing more in the world than to hear those words. I wouldn't care if I had to spend the next 8 months in bed. I would do that for the chance to keep Tukka.

But I can't let myself think of that. I cannot let myself hope. The pain of having hope and getting shot down again...... it is just too real. It is so much easier to take the cowards way out and think the worst. If I hurt now, and get it all over with, perhaps I won't hurt so much later? (wishful thinking)

My mind sways back and forth at the moment. My emotions vary. One minute I am dreaming of a life without children. I imagine all the lovely things hubbs and I can have, the holidays, the space, the silence. And I know that we can do that, and we will be happy. Our love will get us through and support us the rest of our lives.

Then I think about not having children. About nobody calling me "Mummy". About my darling husband playing with other peoples kids and then having to leave to go home with that sad little smile on his face.

I think about sitting here, 30 years from now, regretting that I didn't just try a little longer. Wondering if the next baby, even if it takes us another 2 years to get pregnant; if the next baby will survive.

Then I berate myself for thinking about other babies when for all I know Tukka is still hanging on inside me. Perhaps my falling hcg levels are to do with losing a twin. Perhaps there is another inside me, heart beating away as I sit here. Perhaps there is hope.

Or perhaps I am deluding myself, and doing the one thing I promised myself I would not do - Hope.