A very selfish post (umm ahh I even swore)
I have been debating tonight whether to post this and finally I decided I would. I am not posting this to get attention. I don't want your sympathies and I am sorry if reading yet another negative post on my blog drives you away never to return. I wouldn't blame you. If I had to read my blog every day I wouldn't either. Oh shit. I just realised that not only do I have to read this crap every day, I have to live this fucked up life. I keep going to sleep and unfortunately I keep waking up. This is not a dream people - this is reality, as bald and shiny as it is. This is my reality.
I am edgy tonight. My emotions are surfacing after a weekend of doing my darndest to keep my mind off what tomorrows results are sure to tell me. I know both in my heart and in my head that my baby has gone. Now I just need to results to confirm it.
I feel so defective. I am angry and I feel inadequate as a woman. I wonder why my husband stays. I'm not attractive. I am obese. I get moody. I don't keep a perfect house and I never iron. Oh and one more thing..... I am crap at growing babies.
I have thought a lot tonight of leaving. Of grabbing my car keys and just driving. Not sure where to. I wouldn't go to anyone I knew. I hate wondering what people think of me. But what am I running from? It isn't Hubbs. So it must be me. I guess I have nowhere to go where I can get away from myself, no matter how hard I try.
Did I mention I haven't had a coffee in over 2 weeks - you know, in line with doing the right thing for the baby. Ha Ha - Yep time to laugh - why the fuck do I even bother?
Yep I'm angry, but only at myself. I have had a pretty shitty 15 years and I don't want to sit here feeling sorry for myself for another 15. I just want a break.
I want my baby back.
But I can't have that. So where does that leave me?
p.s. please don't think that I am in any way angry at any of my lovely readers. My anger is all completely at myself and my fucked up body. You guys rock.
posted by Bugsy @ 10:14:00 pm
5 comments
5 Comments:
Bugsy everything you are feeling is normal. I went through the same depression. The wondering of why my husband was with me since I hate doing housework (We have a deal. I cook, he cleans up the kitchen.) and I can't even give him a baby. I wanted to run away many times. I felt lost and confused. All the same things you feel. Unfortunately, the emotions you’re having are supposed to happen. As cliché as it is, time will heal your wounds. I never thought I would go a day without crying about my son. Now there are some days I don't even think about that horrible time in my life. Give it time. You'll make it through and you'll be stronger for it. Just don't do anything rash. Oh and tell your husband what you're feeling. He will tell you that you're the most beautiful person he knows and he loves you more than anything. That is why he is staying with you.
Oh Bugsy! You are entitled to be angry. I cannot tell you how many conversations I've had with Marc asking why he stays with me when I'm so fucked up in so many ways. And I have felt so defective as a woman. It's hard not to feel that way when something that is supposed to come so "naturally" doesn't come that way for you. You're not selfish for feeling this way...or if you are...I am just as selfish as you and so are the hundreds of other women I've heard from and read about who said so many of the same things. I wish I could make this better for you, but I guess like Tara said...only time is going to do that. Hugs, hugs and more hugs. Do talk to your hubby about the things you're feeling. Don't keep it all bottled up.
I loathe that feeling when adrenaline courses through your veins and you just want to run like frightened rabbit, but its really yourself that you're trying to run from. I think we've all felt it at some stage or another, and given what you're going through now its hardly surprising that you feel this way.
Monkey Boy and I had the same conversation the other night - "Why are you still with me since I'm such a bad deal" blah blah blah. Apparently its because he loves me. Its a safe bet that that is why your hubbs stays too.
Although that thing with the ironing might be pushing the relationship.....
I'm thinking of you today.
Of course you're angry, and hurt and feel like life is fucking you over. What you are going through is appalling. But if there's one thing you can hang onto, it's that your husband loves you. You are both going through hell at the moment but you are going through it together. I agree with the others: talk to him and hear what he has to say too and accept that you are both hurting right now. God, this sounds like the worst kind of pop-psychology assvice, apologies...but I still think it's true.
And you know what...this is your blog. So write whatever the hell you want and say as many swear words as you need.
Thinking of you. And I don't think anyone would blame you for having a coffee.
xxxxx
This is sooo not a selfish post Bugs.
Everything you wrote can be validated. You owe it to yourself to vent the anger & the hurt & the disappoitment you feel. I understand, truly, sometimes running away seems perfectly justified. You want to escape this nightmare. Keep writing what you feel. Sometimes the angry tap, tap, tap of the keyboard can be very theraputic.
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