The Broken Record

I am a broken record.

I am sick of saying the same thing

I am sick of crying uncontrollably.

I am sick of the pain in my heart

I am sick of wishing I just didn't exist.

I am sick of once again blogging the same stuff. (and I am sure you are sick of once again reading it).

Just before I left work today my boss came to tell me his good news. Him and his wife of 10 months (who also works with us) are expecting their first child. The way he told me? "Guess what, I am going to be a Daddy". The words, the look on his face. Can I ever expect to see that from Hubbs? Will Hubbs ever be able to say those exact words to anyone else?

I apparently went pale (a workmate told me), then swallowed and said "Wow, ....................... Congratulations". Then I went silent. I couldn't think of a thing to say. The workmate saved me by asking a work question of my boss.

My boss knows about my miscarriages. He knows my pain. I am thankful that he told me himself. It would have been worse to hear it from someone else. But the pain could never be more intense, no matter how I found out.

I was an hour late coming home from work. I couldn't drive. I sat in the car, and just cried and cried. Then I slowly drove home to Hubby's arms. Yet again. Yet again I have had to put him through my emotional tirade. My tears that should never have been shed, once again flowing. Hubbs said he feels so helpless. It upsets him that I am so upset and that he can't help me.

I really hate how my experiences have robbed me of feeling joy at the news of others, except those who have also suffered unjustly as I have. I have split all pregnant people up into those that I know understand and those that I "assume" just thought about getting pregnant and then Wham they were.

I hate that I can't just feel that joy.

I am running out of people to talk to. Even online, It feels like all my infertile friends are pregnant. I know they understand but right now I feel like they understand just that little bit less. They are where I should be. I am happy for them and I would never wish ill upon them but why can't I be there alongside them? would that be too much to ask?

I want to hide, disappear, evaporate.

If I can't have a baby, do I really want to "be"?