It is going to be a long day.

I was going to write today of my love for my father and how today marks 14 years since he passed away. I miss him every single day. My sister even called me this morning in tears because she has been thinking about him. It is so hard. I wonder if it ever gets any easier. He was only 59. Far too young.

Instead of focusing on this though, I have something else that is upsetting me today.

It appeas that I am a bad bad girl.

I got an email today from a "friend". It was titled "forgot something" and the content was "so nice of you to remember your god-daughter's birthday". That was all.

Yep I forgot her birthday. She was 6 a week ago. How horrible am I. I just wanted to cry when I saw the email. The only correspondance I have had with this "friend" in like 3 months.

It is actually a very strange situation. You will have noticed that I put the word "friend" in little talkies. That is because for about 5 years now I have battled about whether to end this particular friendship or not. There is only so much I can take from this woman.

We met in High School in 1986. When she first got married they bought a house in the country - about an hour's drive away from me. I used to go up there about once a month for the day - it was a long day with 2 hours of driving involved. When her daughter was born I was one of the godparents (there were 4 of us). I visited as much as I could but I began to hate going up there. You see, when I visited, she would just complain about her daughter and say horrible things like "I wish I had never had her", "If she isn't lucky I may drown her in the bath the way she is going". I hated it. I was never allowed to hold her daughter or comfort her when she was crying, she would snap at me to leave her alone or growl at me if I went to pick up the crying babe, telling me that her daughter was just trying to manipulate me. When I met hubby, I took him with me to visit her and she hated him on sight. I am not sure whether she just hated him because she thought I wouldn't visit as much or whether she thought her daughter might not inherit from me if he was on the scene.

Then she had another daughter. I was in trouble right from the start. We made the huge trip to visit her in hospital and I was hoping for a cuddle and she never offered and I was too scared of her wrath to ask. She then told me off a week later for not "caring" enough to ask. When I got married I asked her to be one of my bridesmaids and she accepted but then made my life hell. Looking back I should have ended it there but I didn't. Her second daughter's christening was approaching and she invited us. I thought she must have picked different godparents. Imagine my horror when we got there and her daughter had three godparents - the other three who were also her first daughter's godparents. I was the only one left out. She told me that she didn't think I cared. I stayed until the celebrant said "how wonderful that you are godparents to both children - that is quite a unique bond" and then I quietly left, and cried all the way home. I clearly remember one time when we were out shopping together with her 4 month old daughter and she was trying on a dress. I was outside the dressing room, standing next to the pram. Her daughter started crying, loudly. I went to pick her up to comfort her and my "friend" yelled out "don't you dare pick her up - she is just being a little bitch". I felt so horrible. Everyone was staring at me and I was too scared to do anything.

About 8 months ago she called me and said "let's meet for a coffee or something". So we met at fountain gate, and she spent the whole time going in and out of shops, handling out "business cards" trying to drum up her Amway business. I may as well have not been there at all.

Now my life has changed. I work full time, and the weekends are my only chance to do housework, washing, ironing, gardening as well as everything else. I don't get the time to be visiting her much anymore. Everytime I call I get attacked or it is the wrong time of day to call - there is always something. So our contacts have dwindled down to almost nothing. When I do visit, I have to listen to her telling her children how much she regrets them, and telling them to run away from home so that her life improves. I hated it and I told her so. She always told me she was just joking, but I still hated hearing it.

She has no idea about my second miscarriage. Well not until today, when I reacted badly to her email and responded with "Thank you for your understanding. I so should have remembered her birthday, but what was I doing at the time? Oh yeah that's right - trying to cope after another miscarriage.

I haven't exactly been myself lately, and part of that includes shutting the rest of the world out while I try to repair myself. I hope she had a wonderful birthday and I am sorry I wasn't in the frame of mind to remember ".

What I should have also added was "I really appreciate you emailing me - especially today - the 14th anniversary of my father's death - not that you remembered."

Great timing huh. So now I am wondering - should I just follow my instincts and send her a follow up email saying "I can't do this anymore. You have been hurting me for years and I just can't take it anymore". When do you decide enough is enough and end a friendship?