the Storm and the Calm

I heard from the "friend" today. She emailed me that she was sorry to hear of my troubles but "how was I to know when you never contact us". That's true. I haven't been such a good friend lately but I had reason to shy away from the world. I make no excuses.

I composed 4 different emails to her today. I saved each one as a draft and never sent any of them.

Then I thought about how stupid all this was - these emails back and forth, and when I came home from work, I picked up the phone and called her. I asked her what on earth was going on. She broke down and told me how stupid she felt. How after getting my email she felt like a right proper bitch. She said she couldn't believe how insensitive she had been.

We talked for a while and she asked about the baby and I burst into tears. I couldn't talk about my darling Tukka with her.

I told her how hurt I was by her email. She said that she knows she jumps to conclusions when she doesn't hear from me for a while. She starts to think that I don't care about them anymore. I said, But I wrote you a long letter when I was up in Sydney in June, and sent Daughter number 2 a birthday present from there too. We have emailed since, and spoken on the phone a couple of times. I know we haven't been close but we both lead such different lives now.

We are both to blame for this situation. I really haven't put much effort in, and neither has she. But I don't jump to any conclusions, I just accept the changing friendship. She struggles to do that.

We have decided to try and make it work. To both put a bit of effort into keeping in contact. To see if we can salvage something out of it. It is all we can do.

I have no idea whether this will work. Whether we will ever really be friends again. But I spoke to the kids on the phone tonight, and they had me in tears. I can't give up on them just yet.

Am I mad?

I had a dream last night. It left me feeling very calm. In my dream I was walking down a street in the neighbourhood I grew up in. I was walking with someone I don't recognise, with a little yorkshire terrier on a red lead. It was a good dog, just calmly enjoying the walk. We walked past a house that I knew an elderly lady lived in, and as we passed I realised her front tap was on full bore. Then I realised she had 4 taps scattered throughout the garden, and all had water pouring out of them.

I couldn't walk on and see that happening. All that wasted water. I stopped, handed the dog's lead to the other person and started turning off the taps. As I did so, the elderly lady came out of the house. She started telling me off for turning the taps on, when she realises that I was turning them off. She came to help, and did one of them, while I did the other three.

Then I was talking to the lady and admiring her garden. I particularly admired this lovely plant with silver leaves (rather like a lavender bush) with pink\red flowers. She told me about the plant, how it was a lovely special plant. Then she carefully broke a piece off and handed it to me, giving me instructions on how to make it grow.

The last thing I remember was her hands on mine, the cutting between us.

I would love to hear what you think about it.

Until tomorrow.....