Like rowing a barbed wire canoe - it ain't easy

Staying positive is hard. Perhaps over time it will get easier. I need to struggle on. One day it no longer be a chore. On that day I will rejoice and my happiness will be expected rather than being a surprise.

I am being sorely tested today. But I am not angry about it , just very sad. It's hard to keep working, drowing out conversations around you and trying to keep yourself composed and stop yourself from running from the room crying. I have to keep chanting "my journey is different to their journey - the two are not related".

Last night a neighbour who I am good friends with came over. She is in her late 50's and really nice. She knows of some of our struggle. In the time she was there I got, "you just need to relax", "have you thought about a holiday? My daughter conceived while on holiday", "you need to prepare a room for the baby and then it will come", and "you need to drink mangosteen - it is a miracle drink and will cure your infertility" (oh yeah by the way, she has just become a distributer for the stuff - only A$60 a bottle but that lasts 20 days!! Bring it on. (actually I am considering it - I will drink horses piss if it helps (umm actually I probably wouldn't drink horses piss come to think of it)).

As you know, my bosses wife who also works with us, is pregnant. She is due 11 days before Tukka would have been due. She knew (through my boss) that I had miscarried and she also knew when we were due. She knows of our whole battle. But like so many who have never had to suffer infertility she just doesn't "get it".

I am the first aider at work. Although we are not allowed to dispense medications or anything (of course), we have a stash of stuff that we are not allowed to put in the first aid box -panadol, burn creams, etc. The box lives at my desk and those requiring anything from it just help themselves (I won't like hand them anything but if they go and take it I cannot be held responsible). So in this box is also a set of nappy pins - for use with slings.

The bosses wife comes by today. She saw the pins in the box and taps me on the shoulder and says "gee you are prepared for anything aren't you" (while she pats her stomach). I looked at her, shocked. Then I simply turned away and kept working. She wandered off probably thinking I was just busy or something. Why doesn't she get it? She spends the whole day wandering around literally holding her stomach. She says "oh it jiggles when I walk." I mean, come off it - she is hardly showing. She is about 19 weeks.

Then my boss comes by and spends an hour talking to the guy next to me about maternity hospitals and where they are going to have the baby and baby baby baby. Luckily I have headphones i can wear, so I put them on, cranked up the music and tried to just let it all wash by me.

But it is hard. Very very hard.

Today's warm and fuzzy:

I have some of the best friends the blogsphere can conjure up I think. If I could reach out and hug each and every one of you I would. In fact. I want you to close your eyes right now and give yourselves a huge hug from me. Thank you my friends. Even when my world is dark and cold, I am never alone.

I heard this today and it really appealed to me: "God didn't make the world in a day, so don't expect me to either".