One More Time

Why can't I catch my breath?

Just had a conversation with a work colleague. It went something like this:

lots of chatter regarding a problem I was helping her with........

J : "Oh I need to ask you too, how can I access my email from home?"

Me: "Well we can set you up a webmail account, if you like"

J: "Great because I may have to work from home a bit in the near future"

Me: "Oh really? Is everything okay?" (knowing that she had knee surgery about 4 months ago and had suffered a lot with that)

(Of course, I knew what was coming next............)

J: "Yes, I'm pregnant!"

Me: (heart dropped) "OMG that is fantastic, Congratulations"

J: "Yeah, I am going to get ugly and fat soon"

Me: "No you will be still gorgeous and glowing".

J: "Maybe - I don't want to get fat though, and this morning sickness is just horrible".

Me: "Well I have to go now, but congratulations again - I am so happy for you".

Me walking away, wondering if I need to go let the tears out or not.

It is so hard, standing on the sidelines, watching everyone else achieve their dream.

I went to the chiropractor on Tuesday and played with his 14mth old son. His wife said to me "he loves you. Everytime you come he makes a beeline for you. You should have kids" and I broke down and told her what was happening (or not happening ) with me. She put her hand on me and said "Have you asked God for a baby?" I nodded (if only she knew I had asked for one every day). She said "I am a born again Christian and I will pray for you". I thanked her. So that is yet another person in yet another religion who is trying to help me. How beautiful is that! How desperate does that make me? Hedging my bets on any religion I can find. I am not religious myself but I have a healthy respect for other people's beliefs, and if they can ask their God for help for me, then I appreciate and truly treasure the gesture. Perhaps I hold more faith inside me that I realised.

Tukka's due date is approaching in a little over a month. All the work colleagues that are pg are having their babies one by one already. The first one was two weeks early - a little boy. The Bosses wife is due 11 days before Tukka's due date as well, and it is all he can talk about. I sit near him and I am struggling with hearing how excited he is, and everyone's happiness at the impending birth.

I got in a lift yesterday with 4 guys from work, all who have wives due any day. They were all talking about how big and round their wives are and eventually one said "When are you going to have kids?", and if the door hadn't opened to let me out at that point, they would have heard a faint "when i stop miscarrying them I guess".

I guess this melancoly mood I am in is a good sign. Perhaps AF is almost here and then I can get started with another OI cycle. Maybe then I will be one step closer to making my dream a reality.

Now I have truly done it. Writing this has really made the tears well. I think I had better go and compose myself in the ladies. One ......... More ....... Time