Monday, March 06, 2006

High Expectations?

I am feeling much better today. My stomach has settled down which is great.

The weekend was horrid. Hubbs had another tantrum over nothing in particular and spent 1.5 hours throwing things around. I left and went to my Mother in laws and cried in her loungeroom for a few hours. Once he had had a sleep he was much better and today he is back to his normal self. I, however, am emotionally scared by his childish behaviour. It has really made me do a lot of deep thinking (however I came to no real conclusions). I know when he is tired his fuse is short but I hardly think that what I said to him really warranted his childish behavior. (The thing I said to him that started him off was "I really wish when you take dishes out to the kitchen that you stop at the bin on your way though and get rid of the rubbish on the plates, instead of just dumping them as is in the kitchen for me to deal with later.")

I am extremely disappointed in him. Of course, he never said as much as "sorry". When I broached the subject later he said "You just have a nack of saying just the wrong thing at just the wrong time". Somehow I think I could have asked what the weather was like and I may have incited the same behaviour. During his tirade I also said "Honey, I love you, and I am not sure why what I said has caused such a reaction, but I am sorry. What can I do to help you?". Apparently this was also the wrong thing to say, because he said it just made him angrier. His reaction to me saying that was "Just shut the F up, and get out of my sight". So that was when I went to his mum's. He has never hit me, never emotionally belittled me, never thown anything at me but it was obvious he needed to work through his demons on his own, and it was just hurting me listening to him being a baby.

Of course, eventually I came home, and he was asleep. I cleaned up the bits he hadn't cleaned up (and he had cleaned up most of it - nothing was broken), and then I did all my housework.

We did the trigger shot at 1:30am this morning. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be although it hurt and I was so upset when I was crying after the shot because it stung and hubbs just went back to his computer game and ignored me. I guess it would have been too much to comfort me or something.

Then I couldn't sleep and laid there for ages. Exhaustion finally overcame me and by the time I got up at 6am to go to work I seriously could have done with more sleep because I was ripe for some good deep sleep. Oh well, we don't always get what we want.

Tomorrow 1:30pm I have the IUI.

I am going by myself. I am a bit scared by this - by doing such a big thing on my own. Hubbs doesn't seem too worried. When I asked him today if he would consider coming with me, he said "What for? It is just like a check up, isn't it?". This is despite me both describing in detail what was involved in an IUI, and giving him the brochure which also explains it.

I can understand it a little because he is on nightshift, and he needs to sleep at that time, so he can get up at 4:20pm and go work a very physical 12 hour shift, but I am hugely disappointed that we are not doing this together.

I get such mixed reactions from him. He refuses to give up this seemingly futile quest for a child. He won't even take a break. He says that he definately wants a child, but then he treats me (supposedly the mother of his future child) like shit, he doesn't show any indications that he cares about me or a child at all, so what do I believe?

Am I overreacting? Would you expect your husband to come with you to do the IUI, even though his sperm is already frozen and ready, and I only need him there for emotional support?

* May I also say that in my emotional stupor I may have cast him in a worse light than is reality. Remember when reading this that you are reading my thoughts, my views on this, my feelings. Please don't judge him. You are only seeing my side in all this. He is my husband and I love him with all my being. I know he also loves me. Hearing him tonight, when he called me from work - and he called me "sweetie", I find it hard to compare that to the cold person I saw on the weekend. I have thought about trashing this post and not pressing that "publish post" button, but I am still hurting, and whilst this is not about revenge, this blog is about a release of my feelings, and I do need to get this out! Well if that wasn't the longest darn sentence I have ever typed, I don't know what is!

Take care my friends. (presumably there is one or two of you left - I have noticed my comments dwindling - perhaps my ongoing infertility, with no chance of success have scared you all away. Everyone wants a success story!)


At 8:51 pm, Blogger muser said...

I'm sure you haven't scared anyone away.

A thought occured to me about the IUI/HUbbs thing. I feel Hubbs should be there. After all, you would normally be together when you conceive your child.
Even though science is intervening I would still like to be able to tell my child that we were together, at least in the same room! LOL

At 8:57 pm, Anonymous Lucy said...

Hey, there. I've read your blog but I've never commented before.

I worry about you both - that you're at the end of an emotional rope right now and the infertility stuff is adding to it.

I wish he'd go with you. If he's the one insisting on continuing, I wish he'd want to be there for it.

I hope you can take the time to be gentle with yourself and be really nice to yourself this week. You're going through a lot and you need *someone* to pamper you - even if it's you.

At 9:04 pm, Blogger Katt said...

Hey there hun. How you doing tonight?

I sure the hell would expect Adam there and I think your hubs should be there too!

On his behavour this weekend..Well..I think that is something left to a conversation over MSN where others wont read. I dont like the way he treats you at times really I dont. Tiredness is no excuse to be a turd..Mind you Adam has been tired and cranky of late with a lot more hrs. He made up for it today by coming home with a knitting book for me and an appology!

I know talking about it is something you would rather not do. Most people dont like airing their dirty laundry. But as you said this is your blog to vent feelings and emotions.


At 11:15 pm, Blogger Dr J. said...

Although I haven´t commented much anywhere lately, I´m still around and concerned!

Hubbs sounds like my ex - it was all or nothing; 100% fantastic or 100% crap with little in between. I still would say that having a chat to a professional (you, him, or both of you) is a good idea - it´s helped so many of my friends and family through difficult times. Much as the blog and it´s readers are great sounding boards we can´t do too much except offer distant support and sympathy (and we do!).

At 7:51 am, Blogger Tara said...

I think he should go with you to the IUI. I know it would be messing up his schedule but look at all the work you're putting into this. It's only fair he goes to give you support. You should catch him when he's having a good moment and tell him that you really need his support and his childish tantrums are only stressing you out. Stress is not something you need when you're trying to get pregnant.

I hope everything goes well tomorrow. Good Luck!

At 9:15 am, Blogger Vee said...

I have only recently discovered your blog.
And I agree with others that it is important that your hubby is with you.
We are using donor sperm, so I feel having DH by my side and just holding me after the procedure is so important. It gets him involved and takes away a bit of the clinical apsect.

Good Luck ! and I will continue to follow your journey.

At 9:31 pm, Anonymous seepi said...

Well my partner couldn't come with me to the ivf transfer that finally worked and it didn't really bother me.
He did come with me to one of the IUIs before that and we had a massive fight in the car afterwards and I ended up in tears - not a pleasant memory. I think you are over-sensitive because of the amount of hormones from the injections, and unless he is in a mood to be the perfect support, it is better to actually go alone. I used to pamper myself afterwards with a special french custard roll, and then go to a gallery, or buy a plant I could keep as a memento - it worked for me.
Good luck.


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