Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Gotta love the hormones.......

I am so weepy tonight. I am crying and I have no idea why. Nothing has happened, everything is great. I had a good day today - a day without stretchy pains (which seem to come by for a couple of days and go away again for a couple of days - growth spurts?). I felt soooooo good today that by the afternoon I had convinced myself something was wrong.

I ended up leaving work 15 minutes earlier because I just couldn't stand it any longer. I raced home, still feeling fantastic, and used the doppler.

There, as always, was that wonderful reassuring thump thump of my baby's heartbeat.

So I am left just feeling sad for no reason. Everything is okay. Baby is fine. I have no pain, no bleeding, no reason to worry.

Tomorrow we go for our 12 week scan - I am positive it is going to be okay, yet I cannot help feeling a wave of dread about going - I'm terrified they will take one look and then leave the room to get another opinion. I am terrified we are going to hear "I'm sorry.." or "Are you sure you are 12 weeks?" or get a terrible number in the downs risk factor.

I am trying so hard to be positive. I know everything is okay. I really do. But I am so scared. I'm afraid I have fallen deeply in love with this baby, and I would be devistated if anything happened. I feel so selfish feeling like this too - when I know so many of you would love to reach out of your computer and slap me for being so stupid. How stupid of me - I have the thing you so dearly want - I have gotten this far, and I feel terrible for doubting my own child - yet here I sit, tears and fears, waiting for tomorrow and hoping like hell that my fears are unfounded.

Praying for a miracle - praying for normal.

Why do I do this to myself? Am I just a "glass is half empty" sort of person or is this some self preservation exercise aimed at trying to stop me from getting close to this child growing inside me, just in case shite happens? Have I had so many losses over the years, so many failed cycles that i cannot believe that this could go right for a change?

Or is it simply the pregnancy hormones - messing with my mind, my body and my spirit?

12 weeks is such a milestone, yet I feel like it has crawled. I just need to get through another day, and another, and the one after that.

I just need to keep going.

I love you baby bugsy, I tell you this every day, but I do. Keep growing, keep well, keep developing. Mummy and Daddy will be here, helping you each step of the way. Please little one, we believe in you - please believe in us.


At 8:52 pm, Anonymous Kit said...

I will be thinking of you tomorrow. Everything will just perfect I just know it.


At 10:28 pm, Blogger Betty said...

It will all be lovely Bugsy.x.

At 10:40 pm, Blogger Katt said...

Will be thinking of you tomorrow hun. Looking forward to hearing all the good news..

Biggest hugs from the Walker Household.


At 11:00 pm, Blogger Cathy said...

Good luck for tomorrow Bugsy.

We will all be thinking of you.


At 8:14 am, Blogger The Momma / MrsHUGS said...

Hi Bugsy...

My thoughts are with you today, cant wait to hear all the details later...


At 8:31 am, Blogger Net said...

Thinking of you today, all will be fine.

Get used to the crying and hormones, I used to cry at the drop of a hat for no reason. Dh came home one day and I had just got out veges to do for dinner, he said he didnt want veges, I dropped them on the floor and burst into tears.....I knew it was so silly but I couldnt stop the tears. As I have always said, a good cry is cleansing, even if you dont know why....

Will be checking all day for your wonderful news.

Love and hugs always,

At 10:36 am, Anonymous JAC said...

Am thinking of you and baby bugs (and your DH) today. Enjoy this scan because it is just amazing. I know you are scared, you have every reason to be. BUT Baby Bugs has done so well to date and will continue to do so. Will keep popping my head back in to see how it went today. Can't wait to see piccies

Love Jac & Baby K

At 10:39 am, Anonymous Leoni said...

Hi honey,

Good luck with your scan at lunch time, I'll be thinking of you. Please know what you are feeling is perfectly normal, I was an emotional basket case when PG with Annike. The first 12 weeks felt like 12 years and at every scan I was convinced they would find something had gone wrong. I've had the same feelings with this bubs but to a lesser degree and at my NT scan on Monday I was a nervous, quivering mess. Ofcourse PG hormones on top of that won't help, all I can say that the feeling won't completely go away untill the baby is born, but the intensity of those feelings will dull as you get further into your PG. Its ok to feel like that, you are not a pesimist, just very cautious after the harrowing 4 years of TTC and losing not just 1 but 2 babies. You'll see that the scan will be fine, more than fine, you'll hear the word normal so many times today that you'll lose count :-) Don't focus too strongly on the risk factor, its an indicator to help you make decisions what to do next (to amnio or not to amnio) and since you've done the blood test that goes with the scan today you'll see your risk will probably be very low.
You've made it to 12 weeks which is a HUGE milestone in PG terms, and after the scan you'll probably feel like a huge weight has been lifted from your shoulders. I bet you'll be walking on air when you leave the scan room ;-) Just keep repeating to yourself in the waiting room "the baby is fine"...."I can do this" over and over again (I also did some breathing exercises to calm down), that should block out any negative thoughts till the scan is done.
Let us know how you went when you are done.
Big {{{HUGS}}} Leoni


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