Thursday, July 27, 2006

a picture sheds a thousand tears (and so many more)

I didn't know how to tell you all this, so I am just posting the picture we got today. Baby has hardly grown since the 8 week scan and there is definately no heartbeat any longer.

I have cried 10,000 tears already. We are just waiting for the surgeon to call us back about when he wants us to come into the hospital for a D&C. There is no doubting the images we saw. Baby is not the size they should be, and the gestational sac is very small. There is definately no heartbeat.

I cried, and told her to just go back and have another look because this is NOT happening to me again. She tried to be nice to us, tried to make us understand but I wouldn't have it - I said "No - this is NOT happening, not again".



please understand if I disappear for a while. I need some time to come to terms with this and get some sanity back. I do hope that picture does not offend anyone. i just wanted to negate the "are you sure" questions. Yes, we are very sure. I even said (although I knew the answer) whether there was any chance at all she was wrong, cause I didn't want to kill my baby. She went over everything with us again - there is no doubt. There is nothing I can do to change things. She said what we listened to on the doppler was not baby's heartbeat - most likely an artery. I told her that I do not regret using a doppler - regardless of what I heard, it calmed me at the time, and that was the aim. I have no regrets.

I'm sorry baby. Mummy tried so hard. I'm sorry.

33 Comments:

At 2:04 pm, Anonymous Jac said...

Oh Bugsy I am SO sorry that this has happened to you. I just want to hug you and protect you from all of this hurt you are going through. I don't know what to say as I know words don't mean very much anyway. Life sucks and you guys do not deserve to have to go through this again. Please know that I am here for you and when you are ready you know where I am if you need to talk.

“There are no words with enough power to comfort you and nothing I can do to change things.
But maybe just knowing that I am here will help.
Take my hand when you feel alone…Walk with me when your heart needs company...Turn to me when you need someone to lean on…
Because I am your friend…Because I will always care”

I recieved this in a card after my last m/c and I want you to know that each and every word is true from me. If you need anything, at all, just holler

biggest cuddles for you
JAC
xoxox

 
At 2:53 pm, Blogger Katt said...

Oh sweetheart. I am so sorry to hear this.

There is nothing I can say that will make you feel better. Make the pain go away. Make everything right.

Just know we all love you here and we are all thinking about you. Biggest hugs in the world sweetie.

Katt

 
At 5:44 pm, Blogger Leeanne said...

Bugsy,
My heart goes out to you and your family.
Please feel free to rant, rave, shout, scream, cry and anything else because we will listen and be here for you when you need us.
Take some time, write down some special memories and surround yourself with comforting things.
Your friend always.

 
At 6:33 pm, Blogger muser said...

I don't really know what to say. I feel horrible that you're going through this. So, so, sorry.

 
At 7:04 pm, Blogger Mrs_Pants said...

Geez Bugsy, my heart is just breaking for you. This is so very unfair.

Be good to yourself.

 
At 8:54 pm, Blogger VHMPrincess said...

I am so sorry.

 
At 10:53 pm, Anonymous baggage said...

I am so very sorry.

 
At 11:03 pm, Blogger trek said...

Oh, Bugsy, your post made me cry - we spent years being told we couldn't have a baby but after nearly six, we had a lovely baby girl - I can't even imagine losing her. I am so sorry.

 
At 2:08 am, Blogger Mrs. T said...

I'm so sorry to hear this. My heart breaks for you. Know I'm thinking of you during this difficult time.

 
At 2:58 am, Blogger Kris said...

Oh Bugsy, Tears filled my eyes when I read this post. I am so, so sorry and my heart feels so heavy for you.

Take all the time you need to grieve. I wish, like everyone, that there was something I could do to help you. You and your family are in my prayers. This is too cruel.

 
At 3:04 am, Anonymous Lucy said...

Oh, Bugsy, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry you and hubs lost your baby. So sorry.

 
At 3:50 am, Blogger Liz said...

I am so sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you.

 
At 4:01 am, Blogger Tara said...

Bugsy, I know there is nothing I could say to comfort you. I just want you to know that I am thinking about you. I'm so sorry you have to go through this again. I'm always here if you want to talk. lifebytara@gmail.com

 
At 4:05 am, Blogger DinosaurD said...

I'm so sorry.
I don't think anyone would have ventured into the "are you sure" territory, knowing how much you wanted this to be successful.
Take care of yourself and just focus on breathing for now. And of course you did everything you could have- OF COURSE.
DinoD

 
At 4:11 am, Anonymous sassy said...

I am so so sorry.

You, Chris and baby bugsy are in my thoughts and prayers.

 
At 4:56 am, Blogger Hopeful Mother said...

Bugsy, this is my first time to your blog.

I want to tell you how sorry I am about what you're going through. This is so unfair.

Prayers for your peace.

 
At 6:00 am, Anonymous Jacqueline said...

I am so sorry for your loss. How devastated you must feel right now. :-(

 
At 6:24 am, Blogger Summer said...

Oh no, no, no. I'm so sorry.

 
At 6:50 am, Anonymous MichelleL said...

Just wanted to add in my condolences. I know that nothing I say will help, but just realize one more person out there is mourning your loss today.

I do hope you can find peace with this and will be able to move on to happier events very soon.

 
At 7:37 am, Blogger Betty said...

Oh Bugsy I am so sorry this has happened to you. I am so shocked by this outcome. Take all the time you need but know that we are all here for you. xxx

 
At 8:06 am, Blogger The Momma / MrsHUGS said...

Oh Bugsy...
I am so shocked and heart broken for you both...
Please take time to grieve but dont hide away, suround yourself with loving friends...
I will always be about...
Take care...
MrsHUGS

 
At 9:27 am, Blogger Ova Girl said...

oh bugsy.
shocked and dismayed by the unfairness and pain of this.

so so sorry


xxx

 
At 9:54 am, Blogger Vee said...

Bugsy, I am so so sorry.
Take care and take your time.

Big hugs

 
At 10:10 am, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm so very sorry, I don't even know what to say sweety <3
HeavenLeigh

 
At 10:11 am, Blogger Net said...

Oh Bugsy, I am so very sorry. As everyone else is saying, I dont have any words that will help you at this time. Just know we are all here for you when you need us.

Love and hugs,
Net

 
At 11:08 am, Blogger vixanne wigg said...

Oh Bugsy. I am so sorry to hear this. I wish so much that this wasn't true.

 
At 11:17 am, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Bugsy,
While I can say nothing to take away the terrible pain you are both feeling. I want you to know that I am here for you and that I understand. I am at lost for words. Why can life be so cruel?.
Thinking of you now and always...
Love Dan xx

 
At 11:17 am, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Bugsys, I had been hoping that things were going to work this time. My heart breaks, knowing that there isn't anything one could say to make it better. We all love you, and maybe that will make all the difference.
De-lurker
Chrissie

 
At 11:28 am, Blogger DeadBug said...

I am so, so sorry. I know that your pain is indescribable; please know that I'm crying with you.

--Bugs

 
At 4:36 pm, Blogger Cathy said...

My heart is soooooooooo heavy at the moment.

It has taken me this long to comment as I didn't know what to say or how to say it.

I am so sorry about the loss that you and hubs are going through at the moment.

Love and (((((hugs))))) from all of us over in Tassie especially our little group in Launie.

Cathy

 
At 2:36 am, Blogger PJ said...

Sorry doesn't even come close...take care of yourself.

 
At 9:45 pm, Anonymous trina-p said...

I'm so sorry Bugsy.

I don't think anyone could be offended by that photograph. That's your child they're beautiful and I'm sorry they're gone.

So very very sorry I was holding so much hope for you.

 
At 9:49 am, Anonymous Sara said...

Bugsy,

I am still in the midst of catching up because we are moving, so I just read your last 20 posts or so. I am so sorry, dear. Many of the emotions you described I felt time and time again, especially the dread of having to "wake up" and realize that your worst dream is real.

If there is anything I can do, I am here. I am saying lots of prayers for you and your husband, as I have before. Hugs . .

 

Post a Comment

<< Home

 

eXTReMe Tracker