Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Segmented

hey guys,

Sorry I have been missing in action for a few days (thank you Mrs Hugs for hunting me down). I am going through my own little mini hell at the moment and unfortunately it is a one member club.

It is hard for me even to explain how I feel right now. I guess it is a whole gammet of emotions all brewed up together. The pot has been simmering for a while and a lot of gunk has come to the surface.

I feel like Hubbs is being distant with me. Certainly the no sex in over three months thing hasn't helped, despite my pathetic attempts at overcoming that situation. He hasn't acted any differently towards me, but I feel he is subconsiously blaming me for the baby losses. Certainly he could never blame me more than I blame myself.

Take today for example. It is 5:30am and here I am blogging. Hubbs had to get up at 5am to go to work, so when he hadn't risen 15 mins later I gently woke him. He yelled at me - saying to "F$#4 off. I have had no doona all night and you snoring in my ear". I said sorry. He jumped out of bed, got dressed. I cried. He said "I am sorry for yelling at you, I am just tired". Then he went to work. and I cried more. (Then I blogged about it.) I think I will sleep on the couch tonight (we have no spare bed anywhere) so he can get some proper sleep.

I am so sensitive at the moment, I take that as him being angry at me about the baby which is silly - he is just a tired, grumpy old bugger - I know that, but underneath I wonder whether he blames me.

Every day I think about what happened - why my baby died. I analyse every single minute of my pregnancy and I go through my own tiny little hell going over those last few hours. I wake up recalling the scan and me saying "No - you are wrong - check my baby again My baby is okay. This cannot be happening again - it can't - my baby is okay"

I feel so empty. Sometimes i find myself rubbing my stomach and then stopping, realising what I am doing. Every day I watch the pregnant women at work, rushing about, lifting things, eating crap, smoking, drinking coffee, sugary drinks, not eating at all. I watch and I ache inside. Every day one of those women come over to chat to me - completely unaware of what I am going through. She is so lovely, but I hate seeing her. hate talking to her. I want to close my eyes when I talk to her. I want to run, to scream. I want to escape.

I want Hubbs to love me. To cherish me. To realise I can't do this without intimacy. I want a husband not a housemate. It isn't just the lack of sex. I give him a cuddle and he cuddles back then moves away. I know he is only doing it because after a while it hurts his back, but I so need to feel loved right now, that it interprets into my brain that I am not really loved at all.

Our brains are wired differently him and I. Last night I told him I would be late home from work today as I have a chiropractor appointment. He said "I don't care.". I stared at him, shocked by the response. He said "If you weren't home by like 9 pm I would be calling you seeing where you were, but your "late" means you might be home 30 minutes later, so it doesn't worry me". Still I focused on the "i don't care" in my brain for ages (still doing it apparently, cause I had to blog about it).

Work has been busy. We had a fire and were evacuated. As the only first aider who remembered to bring out a first aid kit, I was busy making sure everyone was okay. Luckily there were no injuries except for a lady who tripped in the car park in her stupid stilettos. The fire was put out by the local fireys in no time. A careless cigarette butt the culprit, flicked without thought against the building, it ignited woodchips in the garden, and found it's way inside the wall of the building. They had to peel off a metal building panel to get to the fire. Poor building panel suffered the most and will be rather pricey to replace, but at least everyone was okay.

Since then the smoker's bin caught fire as well - so management is trying to work out what to do about smoking. Legally they cannot ban people from smoking, but they don't want to endorse it either. It is a tough one. They provided proper cigarette butt bins in a safe area next to the building but people don't use them - especially if it is windy or rainy.

In other news, my neck and shoulders are getting there. Probably will be close to 100% after seeing the chiro tonight. I have knitted another 1/2 of a dishcloth, and hope to get that finished in the next day or so. I have been selling stuff on ebay (and doing quite well out of it), unfortunately I have been buying stuff too, so no savings to be had on it. Hubb's jumper has also increased another inch or so.

I put my big mouth to use in a meeting yesterday. I got called into a meeting about them replacing the system I work on. They said they may still have to keep one of my servers for quite some time as they don't think they can replace it with anything else. I blurted out "oh so I might still have a job then". The room went silent for a while, then someone brought up another topic - Whoops.

2 more weeks and we should get the genetic testing results.

I just want to be whole again. I feel segmented.

7 Comments:

At 9:03 am, Blogger Vee said...

Sending you big hugs and hoping that the genetic test results give you an answer.

 
At 12:23 pm, Blogger Kris said...

I'm so sorry. I know it's hard, but you did nothing wrong. I wish I could explain why people who do all the wrong things get and stay pregnant so easily while we have trouble. And dealing with all of this is tough enough without feeling a disconnect from your husband. It took me and H a long time to deal with the fact that we grieve so differently and that we need/expect different things while we grieve.

Lots of hugs to you. I hope you start to feel more whole again soon.

 
At 3:54 pm, Anonymous seepi said...

You and H will be fine. You just need to get thru this in your own ways. My dh is not big on affection either - they do love us tho.
What are you selling on ebay? All I do is buy buy buy. I'm into animal shaped cake tins at the moment.

 
At 5:40 pm, Anonymous Sassy said...

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way Bugsy. I'm sure it's a perfectly normal way to feel after such a big loss. Is it possible your doctor could organise some counselling for you? I just don't want you blaming yourself for this. I'm thinking of you, please let us know if there's anything we can do even if it's just meeting for coffee or a chat on the phone.

 
At 5:54 pm, Blogger Katt said...

Sweetie dont blame yourself (I know easier said then done). Its not like you wanted something like this to happen. So its not your fault.

As for Hubbs..Maybe he is coping with it all in a totally different way. You are both sensitive at the moment about it all.

As for work..Phhhhffft...You dont need the stress..

I hope the tests have the results that are easy to work with and get this all sorted for you.

Katt

 
At 6:28 am, Blogger Summer said...

It sounds like you are really hurting right now. I’m sorry. I wish there was more I could do than send words to you through the computer. But that’s all I can do. So, here goes.

After my miscarriage, I went through something similar with my husband. I felt like he wasn’t doing enough for me, that I needed more. And, anytime there were any negative things said by him, I took it as something he was trying to say to me. And, of course, I blamed myself for what had happened. Now, as I look back on that time, I realize that I did need more. I needed to not feel hurt anymore, to be comforted, but I think no matter how much of it I got, it wouldn’t have been enough. The pain was just too much. I’m not saying that it was my problem that I couldn’t find enough comfort in my husband or that it was my husband not doing enough for me when he could have. I’m just saying the pain was just so huge that even if no one said a cross word to me and everyone in the world comforted me, I would still have been in pain and still felt like it was my fault.

Please blog whenever you need to about anything. We will be here to listen.

 
At 12:06 pm, Blogger Procrastiknitter said...

(((((HHHHHHHHUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGSSSSS)))))))))

 

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