Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Walking with my heart in my throat

I am back at work. It is hard but easier than I thought it would be. Mostly everyone is avoiding me, and I have only had one person ask if I have had that "bug" that is going around and whether he is likely to catch it. I assured him that there is no way on earth he could "catch" what I had. I am walking around with my heart in my throat now - emotions on the surface.

Sometimes I have to go to the loo for a little sob and to take a few deep breaths. My boss (who is currently in the NZ office) called me 5 times yesterday to make sure I was okay. I got the feeling he wanted to hear me say that I was doing really well, but the best I could offer him was "I am okay and that is about as good as it gets at the moment". He had to be happy with that.

Unfortunately I also woke up yesterday unable to move my neck or shoulders. Unable to raise my arms up past my shoulders, and unable to raise my head much at all. I coped in agony for a few hours before ringing and getting a chiropractor appointment (for after hours to avoid his wife the receptionist who is very pregnant). He said I have two major vertebrae out in my neck and several down my spine. I do feel a little better after seeing him but still have limited range of movement (better though). I see him again on Friday.

It is hard being back at work. 7 women around me in various stages of pregnancy. I am struggling a bit seeing them. Trying hard not to cry.

I did realise quickly that my level of tolerance for stupidity has dropped considerably. I pity those who come to me unprepared with questions and problems at the moment. I am sending them packing with their tails between their legs. I seriously felt like screaming yesteday at just how stupid some people were.

No craftwork being done - not while I can't move my arms (typing hurts but of course, that won't stop me). Bit peeved at that - can't even hold a book for too long. Hubbs said it will force me to rest and relax (phtttt - ain't nothing going to do that).

Today I should have been 15 weeks. I am constantly aware of just how empty I feel. It is like a void inside me, a beakon of barroness.

Today a dear friend had her baby boy and I got the sweetest SMS of his arrival. So excited for her. More details in a few days.

Today I want to be home so I can cry a little. I want to hide. But I can't. I just got another call from the boss - I have to do an urgent job to incorporate a new server for another company we just bought and it has to be done today before they announce the new purchase. Lucky me - better get cracking.


At 12:40 pm, Anonymous seepi said...

Good on you for going back to work. I hope it keeps your mind off thjings some of the time anyway.
I have had to sit surrounded by preggies at work too - not fun at all. You are being very strong.

At 7:57 am, Blogger Summer said...

I'm sorry today's been such a hard day. I only have one pregnant co-worker to deal with and that's hard enough.

I'm thinking of you.

At 10:04 am, Blogger Kris said...

I have no tolerance for stupidity anymore. I'll gladly blame that on infertility.

Sorry you've been having a tough time going back to work... take all the potty breaks for a quick cry that you need.


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