A struggling day again
I am really stuggling today. I think because I spent the day on my own as Hubbs was sleeping all day (he is working tonight on nightshift (and has called me twice already tonight to make sure I am okay)). I have cried a lot today. Then again tonight when my sister in law called to see how I was. Two weeks today since we found out our much longed for baby had died.
My sister in law said she plucked up the courage tonight to call - she has not been able to before now - thought she would give us some "space". Then it was mostly a conversation about her poor sister who lost a baby recently (I didn't know this). She went on and on about her poor sister (who has two perfect children) and how she might not be able to have any more children. I sympathise but I cannot understand her anguish as it is different to my own.
I am not saying her sister's pain is any less - of course it isn't. But our situations are different.
It upsets me greatly that my family felt they hadn't been able to call me. Two weeks after I lose my baby, my sister in law finally gets the courage to call me. I am happy she did, but it upsets me that people feel they can't call. I have also heard that my niece has been asking about me but hasn't had the courage to call. I know it is hard for people, but I feel like i am being outted - like my own family is sticking me into a corner of their lives where they can go about their business without having to see me. Where I can be basically ignored until they feel they can cope with me.
I haven't so much as spoken to my brother at all. My sister (who only lives 500 metres away) has avoided me. I have called her about 4 times in the last week to see is she is free so we can do something together and every time she is "busy".
Maybe we should write it in ink on the family tree - "ignore this one - she is damaged".
Hubbs and I feel like we are totally on our own. If is wasn't for our internet friends we feel we would have no friends or family at all.
If this keeps up I might start striking up conversations with the people calling me from india nearly every bloody day offering me discounts on my long distance phones.
posted by Bugsy @ 8:57:00 pm
7 comments
7 Comments:
Dear Bugsy, I'm so sorry for both you and your husband. It must be incredibly crushing to have this experience not once but twice. And of course it's different for you both - this is a unique child and your grief for your baby is specific to this baby's life.
As for your family not contacting you, this is going to sound dumb and/or bizarre, but they're waiting for some kind of permission to comfort you. I imagine that until you call/visit them and blub all over them, they're not going to know how to approach you. It's sad but not unusual for the bereaved people to end up comforting the alleged comforters. Be kind to yourselves, though. Thinking of you. Knitting Kate
Hi Bugsy,
I'm knew to your blog but a fellow Dishcloth Exchange participant. I'm so sorry for your loss... and I can understand how you feel w/ your family. I think it's that they are afraid, they don't know how to comfort you. I've noticed this with my Father's passing this May. People have good intentions but will avoid you, giving you space, when it's them who need the space. Sorry it's hurtful to you.
I'm so sorry your family isn't able to more supportive. The isolation must make your grief even more intense.
I may not be family or live close to you, but I look forward to seeing a new post from you because I want to know how you're doing, even on your bad days.
Dear Bugsy,
It is so hard when it feels as though everyone avoids you because they simply don't know what to say. I wish they all knew that they didn't actually have to say anything in particular but just to be there and let you know that they are there.
The bad days are so hard when you have been feeling better, but they will become fewer and farther between.
Biggest hugs to you and Hubbs. Please know that I am thinking of you. And please take care of yourselves.
Bugs, I'm so sorry that you are feeling the way that you do.
As someone who has BTDT I will tell you that what the others say is possibly the reason for your family's distance. Another could be that they have their own grief to tend with, maybe for you and your baby, or there could possibly another reason. I know that when I had my 1st m/c my aunt (who is like my sister) didn't talk to me for almost a month. I finally called her just to "chat", nothing about the m/c and she said that she felt horrible about calling me but that it just brought up horrible feelings for her about her own miscarriage from 15 years previous.
I'm not saying that they might just be standoffish and unsupportive, but likely that are feeling either useless, or unsure of what they need to do for you. So my advice would be to call one of them and just chat. Don't talk about the baby at first, just talk to them, about the weather, news, anything. Get them to talking. Then you could bring up the topic about your loss and see how they react. Just an idea. I know I'm rambling. I tend to do that when we are talking about this subject! Sending you tons and tons of (((HUGS))
Oh Bugs, I wouldnt take it personally how some people have been standoff-ish. People dont know how to cope and they are affraid to upset you so they stay away. It is like they are affraid that if they talk about it with you it may cause you more pain. But sometimes the best thing is to just be able to share quiet company. I totally agree with what kate has said.
Bugs were always here for you to talk to. I hope your day brightens.
Bugs and warm wishes.
Hi hun,
Oh yep, I hear you on the feeling like the outcast in the family. Same happened here, like you, by the time I had my 3rd m/c people were petrified to talk to me. I felt like I had some catchy disease I was going to pass on. I actually asked my sister why it took her 2 weeks to call me after the m/c, she burst into tears and said she was so upset for me she did not know what to say or do to make me feel better. I felt so isolated and alone, but I realised much...much later that it wasn't because they didn't love me but because the were afraid to hurt me even more. I say take the bull by the horns and just ring and talk to people. Tell them how you feel and that it hurts to be ignored. So what if you cry and blubber over them, explain you need to get it out and it helps to talk about the baby.
Next will be when everyone will move on and expect you to "get over it" (not my words, but the comforting words (said sarcastically) from a friend) while you stay stuck in limbo on the grief treadmill. You'll see your temper barometer rise a few notches. Don't let anyone push you to heal faster than what you feel ready to do, as mentioned before it took me many...many months before I started feeling "normal" again after my 3rd m/c, I had a lot of unresolved issues to deal with before I could move to a "better/calmer" place and be at peace with myself. Its different for everybody and only you know what is right for you. Just remember there is no "deadline" and tell people to back off if they start to annoy you.
Big {{{HUGS}}} to you and DH,
Cheers,
Leoni
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