Sunday, October 29, 2006


I haven't posted for a week now - I haven't felt like blogging. In fact I haven't felt like much at all.

All weekend I have just felt like crying. Yesterday I was so down, and nothing could lift me. Hubbs tried - even asking me several times how he could help me feel better, but I wasn't having it.

Last week the sale of my sister's house fell through for the second time as the buyer (same buyer as the first time it fell through) was once again unable to raise their finance.

Last night she had another offer on it by someone else, and they have accepted (but this is also subject to finance - grrrr).

Yesterday they once again came round and as they were eating me out of house and home I decided to make donuts in my new mini donut maker. I made the recipe up exactly as stated in the booklet, but everyone in my house had an opinion ("the mix should be thinned out", "no the mix is too runny") and trying to cook them it was the same thing (" they are cooked", "no they need to cook longer", "you didn't put enough mix in","you put too much mix in".

They all turned out crap, and of course, everyone had an opinion again about that. My sister's fiance took a bite of one, declared them "crap" and then threw the uneaten piece back on the plate of all the doughnuts - so I had to throw the whole plate of them away. I also had my sister decide to clean my kitchen because it wasn't "clean enough" for her liking, and her fiance telling us both that we need to clean up more. Apparently my bathroom is also in need of more of a clean that I had given it - ok - I hadn't cleaned it for a week, but it wasn't that bad.

This is all because they have been living in an ultra clean house while it has been up for sale - nothing I could do will be good enough now.

In the end I just stood in the kitchen and cried, amongst everyone giving their opinion on my housekeeping skills, my cooking skills and everything. When my sister piped up and asked if we were considering trying again for a baby, it was the last straw, and I just said "we haven't decided yet" and I left and went to the loo to regain my composure.

I just wish they would all bugger off. I have totally had enough!

Today I made choc chip biscuits - that made me feel better. But I still feel like tears are there waiting to fall but they are being kept at bay.

During the week I had a very clear moment, where I said out loud "Lord - if you want to take me now, that would be okay. I am not doing anything important on this earth. Yep - it would be okay."

It didn't happen though. I am still here.



At 9:10 pm, Blogger Betty said...

Bugsy, thats awful. I'm glad the Lord didn't take you. He must have known your Hubby needs you here. Your sister and her finance sound like they are bing a bit harsh. It's not nice to have your living space invaded. Hang in there

At 10:55 pm, Blogger Songbird said...

Dear Bugsy,
They are being awfully insensitive, particularly given that you are grieving and feeling so blue. I suspect you are too low to tell them you are angry, and that's when we turn things in on ourselves. And anger turned inward usually means depression.
I'm only a new dishcloth pal, but I am also a person who suffered from postpartum depression after both births and losses. I hope you have someone to talk to (doctor or counselor of some kind) about these dark feelings.

At 12:38 am, Blogger Cathy said...

I am feeling for you at the moment.

For once I am glad that none of my siblings live close to me as I know how you feel.

I have had off times as well when I didn't want to clean (quite often at times) and when I have felt like giving up but then I just get on with life and say "Stuff everyone else. This is my life."

You were put on earth for a purpose and that purpose is to be loved by those around you not to be criticised by people who are insensitive to your needs and only think about themselves.


At 2:14 am, Blogger Thalia said...

Bugsy you would be totally entitled to politely point out to your sister that you are doing her a favour, and she needs to respect that in her behaviour, and take some responsibility for helping her fiance do the same. That kind of family support is not what you need.

At 8:35 am, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Bugsy U am glad you are still here...
I would miss you heaps...
Sorry I havent been about much due to packing to move...
But we will SEE you soon... YAY...
Take care...

(darn it I cant remember my password)


At 10:05 am, Blogger Em said...

Are they serious! That's pretty rude. I don't care if it is family. You don't need that crap! We should get together for a coffee at some stage. Email me.

At 5:54 pm, Blogger Katt said...

Tell your sister to shove it and dont let them back into your house...You dont need their shit

And I am GLAD you are still on this earth!!! You have lots of things you are doing here....All of them are important..And I would miss you heaps if you werent here!!

Maybe now would be a good time to take that little holiday to Tassie ;)


At 4:04 pm, Anonymous shazz said...

sening you big hugs xx.


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