I don't feel like dancing

"I don't feel like dancing". - have you heard this song? It is a new one from "scissor sisters". I hated it originally but it has really grown on me. Now I can't get it out of my head.

Thank you so much for all your comments - it has helped me work through the issue and try to not only find a solution but put it all in perspective. No resolution in sight just yet to my little dilemma.

I rang the nurse today to get her voicemail saying that she won't be in until Friday, so will have to call her again tomorrow. Another day to wait,

Hubbs and I discussed it at lengths last night and decided that I would try to change the appointment by a day or so, and I would also get a credit card as my backup. Although I hope not to use it, we both agree that having this failsafe backup will stop me from stressing out about it, which after all is a big part of this fertility battle.

I just sat with one of the very pregnant girls here and discussed her pregnancy. She was telling me that she is having a girl, and they have named her (but that bit is remaining a secret). I ended up telling her about Jayden and she gave the usual sympathies. She asked if we named him (I had only mentioned that we miscarried), and I nodded, but I couldn't share his name with her. he is mine and sometimes I can't share (greedy aren't I).

I keep trying to tell myself that this hurdle is just a small one. That we know we can pay - but not the full amount until the day after the appointment when I get paid. But I can't help feeling that this may be a sign from the universe that we are not worthy. Sometimes I think the universe is laughing my way, saying "You? A parent? Are you kidding me? You guys suck so bad your surname should be hoover. How dare you think you are good enough to have a baby - how absurd." I know it isn't but it is easy to think that way.

Yesterday, whether because I started the pill days before my period was due (thus skipping it), or whether I had worked myself up into a state, I had the worst stomach cramps. Then I started worrying what it would mean if I did get my period. Would they cancel my cycle? I think that is the biggest fear. I don't seem to have the cramps today though, so hopefully it means any crisis is averted.

If you haven't realised already - I am a bit of a worrier.