Thursday, November 02, 2006

I don't feel like dancing

"I don't feel like dancing". - have you heard this song? It is a new one from "scissor sisters". I hated it originally but it has really grown on me. Now I can't get it out of my head.

Thank you so much for all your comments - it has helped me work through the issue and try to not only find a solution but put it all in perspective. No resolution in sight just yet to my little dilemma.

I rang the nurse today to get her voicemail saying that she won't be in until Friday, so will have to call her again tomorrow. Another day to wait,

Hubbs and I discussed it at lengths last night and decided that I would try to change the appointment by a day or so, and I would also get a credit card as my backup. Although I hope not to use it, we both agree that having this failsafe backup will stop me from stressing out about it, which after all is a big part of this fertility battle.

I just sat with one of the very pregnant girls here and discussed her pregnancy. She was telling me that she is having a girl, and they have named her (but that bit is remaining a secret). I ended up telling her about Jayden and she gave the usual sympathies. She asked if we named him (I had only mentioned that we miscarried), and I nodded, but I couldn't share his name with her. he is mine and sometimes I can't share (greedy aren't I).

I keep trying to tell myself that this hurdle is just a small one. That we know we can pay - but not the full amount until the day after the appointment when I get paid. But I can't help feeling that this may be a sign from the universe that we are not worthy. Sometimes I think the universe is laughing my way, saying "You? A parent? Are you kidding me? You guys suck so bad your surname should be hoover. How dare you think you are good enough to have a baby - how absurd." I know it isn't but it is easy to think that way.

Yesterday, whether because I started the pill days before my period was due (thus skipping it), or whether I had worked myself up into a state, I had the worst stomach cramps. Then I started worrying what it would mean if I did get my period. Would they cancel my cycle? I think that is the biggest fear. I don't seem to have the cramps today though, so hopefully it means any crisis is averted.

If you haven't realised already - I am a bit of a worrier.


At 12:46 pm, Blogger Em said...

I can understand your worries - I am a worrier as well - but you are worthty. Glad you feel a bit better. And...I love that Scissor Sisters song!

At 5:36 pm, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Aww hun, you do deserve to be parents! It's ok if you are a worrier, you have a right to be. All the worry and $ you spend will be worth it when you are holding your little one :).

And since you mention the Scissor Sister's song, you have to check this out, and make one yourself! It is hilarious!
This is my husband and daughter.

At 12:39 pm, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh, sweetie, we all worry. And you deserve to be parents. And you're not greedy to be selfish about your little boy. It's all allowed. In IF, it's all allowed.


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