Out Out damn spot

Imagine this- you have a cancerous tumour. You have had it for say 15 years. Most of the time it is friendly - it doesn't bother you much. But every now and then it gets nasty and it upsets you - it hurts you so deep in your core that you can never let go of that pain. You try to - all the times it is nice to you, you try not to remember the hurt, but just focus on the other times you have had together. It is there - it is part of you, but you also know that it is slowly killing you.

One day after another attack you decide enough is enough and you decide to remove it. You make the incision, and after a few days of it trying to attack you again, you are finally free of it. It is gone. The thing that was hurting you so very much is out of your life. You still hurt. You still remember, and you know removing it was the very best thing you could do for yourself.

You vow to protect your son from knowing it's wrath. You promise yourself that things will be better from now on.

Well I had such a cancer in the form of a friend that I have known since high school. We were good friends then but I had trouble understanding her actions a lot of the time. Maybe that was the attraction. She was unpredictable to me.

We used to go out to nightclubs and if any guy as much as spoke to me she would sully those giddy girly feelings I got by telling me he was only speaking to me so he could get to her. That hurt. Yes she was pretty. Skinny, tall. Nothing like me. But maybe the guys were talking to me because, well, because they liked "me".

She got married and had two beautiful children. I loved visiting her and the children - but she hated me having anything to do with them. She told me that she was insanely annoyed that I spent so much time with them. That it really got to her that i would greet these children running into my arms as I entered the door, before I ever stopped to greet her. She made it very clear that if I visited and brought presents for the children, that I had better have brought her a present too.

She spoke to her children in a way that really upset me too. When on the phone to me I would ask where the children are and she would say "in the bath". I would say "shouldn't you be in there too? they are only young" to which she would answer "nah - hopefully they will drown". It always gave me shivers.

They lived in a street where instead of houses on the other side of the street there was an open railway line. She would tell the kids to "go play on the railway line and stop bothering me". I hated hearing it - these were children without the senses of logic yet - they were too young. What if they went and did what she said?

I questioned her about these things often and she would say "they know I am only joking".

Once out shopping, she was trying on a dress and her 5 month old child was crying. I asked "can I pick her up?" and she yelled "don't you dare touch her - the bitch only wants attention". I knew it was an insane comment then, and now that Alex is almost that age I know first hand how insane that comment is.

There was much much more wrong in our relationship. We both tried to fix it - many times. Of course, it wasn't all bad, and I have only given you some examples of the things that really upset me, but we were very different and we grew more and more apart as the years progressed.

So then there was the final straw. She lives about an hour away from me. I go past her place if I go visit my sister. So when I went to visit my sister recently, I dropped in. She met Alex. Something I swore I wouldn't do - I didn't want her attitude to affect my son in any way, shape or form. I stayed for a while but I still had a 2 hour journey ahead and after Alex was fed, changed and snoozy, I left to continue my journey. She knew I was coming back past again in 4 days time. She said to drop in on the way back. I said "i'll try but will see how we are going and if Alex is settled then I will probably just keep going while the going is good".

So on my return journey, Alex was asleep and I had about an hour left before his next feed by the time I went near her place. I kept going.

Next day I get an angry email from her - she wasn't impressed that I didn't drop in.

It was my final straw. I told her I just couldn't take any more abuse from her. I worded it nicely but i was honest. I told her that we were growing too far apart and it just wasn't working anymore. I told her that I think it was time we ended the friendship.

I got abusive emails from her for the next few weeks.

On my birthday she emailed me to tell me that she hated my husband and told me why. She said some horrible things about what she suspects he is like. She told me that she didn't trust him around her children. It actually made me stop and review whether I was blind to his faults. I hated that she made me question my own husband.

Eventually the abuse stopped but I cried for weeks about it. I still do.

So why then - do you think - that when I dreamt the other night that she came to make amends, that she wanted to start over, and wanted us to really work at our friendship - why did I wake up and actually consider calling her and trying to repair it?

Why can't I stop thinking about her - 2 months after finishing the friendship? Why can't I stop wondering whether I should make contact? Whether I should apologise for being a crappy friend and see if we can salvage some of what we saw in each other all those years ago?

Why would I want to invite the cancer back into my life? Her "friendship" as it was was slowly killing me. I know it had to go, but why can't I get my brain to see that too?

Why do I want to contact her and say "I am soooo sorry. I should have worked harder at our friendship, and I am so sorry that it fell apart"?

It is driving me crazy. Every time I stop to think about anything - I think of her. I think of her when showering, when having a coffee, when I wake up for goodness sake. What is the universe trying to tell me?

Is this going to haunt me forever? How do I get closure on this without it involving any contact with her? How do I stop myself contacting her?

Please help.