Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Getting and accepting the help you need

I got up very early this morning, bundled Alex up and headed off to my mother in laws. I got there before 9am. She was worried and scared about going into the hospital. It was heartbreaking hearing her say all the way to the hospital "I'm scared" continuously. We didn't rush. She had breakfast before we went, and we sat down and relaxed a little, talking about what clothing she had packed and where everything was for the animals etc.

I took her there, and she got admitted. The hospital itself is lovely. It is a private hospital and the facilities and the staff (that i could see) were really lovely. She has a private room, with her own wardrobe (lockable), desk with make up mirror and chair, king size single bed, chairs and table set, another cupboard, visitors chairs and a tv. She also has a great view of the pretty church next door.

As soon as she walked in she started with "ohh this is such a horrible room" and "it is so much smaller than my last room here " "even the tray table that goes over the bed is smaller". etc etc. The room is about the size of a normal hotel room, it is definately not small and i could quite happily live there for some time. She keeps equating it to a prison cell. and the hospital as "the nuthouse". I have tried to get her thinking more positively about it , but it is hard.

After staying there about an hour, the doctor wanted to spend some time with Mum in law, so they suggested it was time for me to leave. Alex and i left, and headed for home. I cried all the way at having to leave her in such a place (as lovely as it is). i asked the staff whether I should refrain from visiting or calling - they said they encourage visitors and calls because it keeps the patients grounded that there is a world out there that they can fit into. Guess I am not off the hook.

On the way home, her husband's case manager called me - he has called and cancelled respite care. After all the help we have given him, after she has pulled strings to get him into emergency respite care. After she also took him there yesterday on a tour so he wouldn't be so scared of it. He has stubbornly kicked in his heels and refused to go there. A prior assessment of him had said that he is just not capable of being in the house on his own - it just isn't safe.

So i called in to see him and quite frankly i was very tough with him. His reason for not going was that the little dog would have to stay outside in the cold. Now I understand that is a concern and had offered to place the dog into a kennel where it would be cared for properly. I couldn't have the dog here - she is a totally blind 11 year old terrier who has never been housetrained. Quite frankly even the vet suggests that she should be put down. And i love dogs but i agree - this poor little dog has no life. So i yelled a bit, called him a stubborn old bastard, and told him that i would not be visiting him. I would not bring him food, or clean the house for him. Told him that i and several other people have bent over backwards to help him, and even the doctors have started refusing to help him in any way, based on his behaviour. Before i left he asked to say goodbye to Alex. I told him he didn't deserve to even see Alex and i just left. Boy am i angry with him.

I left, and went home and 2 of mum in law's neighbours have called me to dob on him still being there. Then mum in law called. She called home just to see if he had left and he answered and told her he wasn't going. She got really upset and he just said "don't worry, i'm fine". and hung up. She called me and she was so upset. Worried about him being there, worried about her house and whether his sons would come there and pinch all her things. She was saying "i guess i will have to go home and look after him as he can't be there by himself". It took me ages to convince her to stay, and to just completely forget about him.

I'm afraid my anger got the better of me and i called up her hubby and blasted him for stressing her out the way he has. I must have yelled for 10 minutes before letting him even get a word in. He won't be getting any help from me at all. You might think this is mean, but he can sit in that house and rot for all i care. yes I am very angry right now.

I told hubbs and he has also called him and abused him. I can't believe he is sooo selfish that he cannot do the one thing that he knows would make mum in law feel better.

She is now saying "i am redundant. he doesn't care. he doesn't need anyone but himself. I am useless. "

Frig that man angers me. Arrrrrghhhhhhhh

This post doesn't really deserve a lovely photo but i have one i wanted to show you - this is alex with his two cousins from Sydney that he met for the first time a couple of weeks back. Aren;t they beautiful kids? You know they are gorgeous in manner as well - polite, and sweet as pie. I am very proud to say they are part of our family.

p.s. Since i started writing this post i have had 7 phone calls from Mum in law.

Did I mention i am not having a break from her?



At 7:01 pm, Blogger Sitting in Silence said...

Seven calls...Oh dear...

I am sure she is the luckiest MIL around....

Beautiful photo of the family....

Look after your self.....x

At 3:00 pm, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Firstly, you have a right to vent and you'll feel better about it in the next few days, if not your hubby is going to have to pitch in more.. I know he works hard and you don't get much time together as it is but your hubby will have more sway over getting his dad into respite care ( I hope anyway)Maybe you some time off.Take care, okHugs'N'Luv, lesley


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