Thursday, April 17, 2008

Being happy with the blessings you have.

I look at my son's sleeping face.
I smell the aroma of his youth.
I hear his snuffly breath.
I bask in the knowledge his arms reach out just for me.
I fight with him for the right to use the spoon at mealtimes.
I battle to wipe his face of the yoghurt smothered over his face.

and I know I am blessed beyond words.

So why then do I have moments where something reminds me of my lost babies, and I break down and sob uncontrollably?

If you have watched Neighbours lately you will know that one couple on the show went for their first scan and were told "i'm sorry - there is no heartbeat".

I heard that and felt like I was being hit with a ton of bricks. A tsunami of grief washed over me and I was a total and utter mess. I cried like it had just happened to me. I instantly remembered what that was like hearing that news.

Then later, the tv couple repeat the scan and get told "there's a heartbeat". Not long later she is telling someone and says "It appears we are one of the lucky ones" - and Wham - another tsunami, greater than ever before hit me.

I was feeding Alex at the time - he was fighting me for the spoon, and I was, as usual, losing the battle. Alex was being extraordinarily cute too - smiling at me, blowing bubbles and shaking his head as he loves to do. The wave hit, and i couldn't function. The tears flowed, and I had to sit on the ground, my legs just went on me.

"one of the lucky ones" - why can't we all be lucky? Why do any of us have to ever hear those words "i'm sorry - there's no heartbeat". ?

Why does it have to hurt so damn much? I have Alex - he is incredible. Totally Amazing. He is nothing like I imagined he would be. I love him with every fibre of my being. He is quite literally, the light that shines in my day. I hate that I still feel this pain. Will it ever dull? Will I sit there, in my rocking chair in my golden years, hear those words on some stupid tv show and will my rocking stop, my heart breaking under the strain of the wave of grief hitting me?

I don't want to feel this bad forever.

Returning to the hospital where Alex was born was a strange experience. I had a lot of time to myself (next time i should bring my knitting). I had a lot of time to think. I did amaze myself at my comparisons to the last time we were there. When he was born i was so unsure of what I was doing. "Should I change his nappy now?" compared to me just doing it as if by some unconscious ritual. I was so unsure of just everything i was doing when he was born, this time I just did everything that needed to be done - I was in control. I was his mummy and I knew what was best for him. It was quite a surreal experience. I felt empowered. I felt like a Mummy.

Alex is feeling better. Yesterday morning I was considering returning to the hospital as he was wheezing badly and was off his food again. But at lunchtime he picked up and ate well, and he improved in the afternoon and by evening a glimpse of my son returned. He snored badly last night and I listened to him for hours on the baby monitor (yes it was loud enough for the monitor to pick it up).

Today he is a little better again. His nose is running less and his cheekiness has returned. My baby boy is definately feeling better.

Of course some pictures to end with, then it is off to bed for me. Nite all.

"Mummy - where did my toy go?"

"mummy - I lost my toy again!"

"Mummy - i don't feel so well...... I will just lay here and cuddle your leg"

"Feeling better today - wearing my yoghurt! Notice I won the spoon battle"

"Same meal - different spoon - I won that one too! hehe"

"Feeling much better - trying to figure out this crawling thing again"

Just before getting sick - Alex in his big boy pjamas Mummy bought him (with monkeys on them)

Sooo happy in my pjs!

ok - off to bed - nite all.

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At 9:23 am, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey Bugsy, Good to here that Alex is feeling better. The pics show he's getting his little spark back! Don't beat yourself up about the grief of your angels. The feelings are natural and healthy. Remember, feelings are a sure sign that you are alive...something I've learnt recently. Have a wonderful day, catch up soon when you are feeling better too... luv Jobie

At 10:10 am, Blogger Sitting in Silence said...

You know Sis...I dont think the pain ever leaves us...

We just learn to put it away and keep it safe...

Memories and even people can bring it all flooding back...over time I have just learnt to live it..learn from it and move on...

I seem to sruggle when I hear people saying' It was an accident or better still I only had to look at my husband"...

I feel this huge angry heat inside of me and it takes everything that I have to keep clam, smile and walk away.

Looking back on secondary infertility and everything that the universe threw my way, I believe I have learnt so much, met some wonderful beautiful woman ( like you) and have even been able to help other people that are living their journey.

It has been a huge growing curve for me and I have learnt so much along a way.

Glad darling boy is feeling a little better x

Love ya x

At 5:26 pm, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've been watching it and I have been having a little bit of a hard time with it myself.
Hugs and I am so glad to hear Alex is really on the mend.
Luv Lesley

At 9:20 pm, Anonymous JAC said...

Hey hun

So glad that Alex is feeling better. What gorgeous photos. He is so lucky to have you as a mum. The way you describe the love you have for him melts my heart. I feel it too with my girls but you write it so eloquently.

I sat there and cried during that show also. I just knew before they went for that scan that it would end up with that horrible line. I sat there and sobbed as you know I have had a molar pg. She is one of the lucky ones. I did say to myself though I hope they don't come back and say everything is OK because for most it isn't and I think it has put an unfair idea into people's heads. Was that a horrible thing to think??

The pain does get easier with time but it does come back with certain anniversaries/ events etc. But as SIS said we put it away somewhere very private. only for it to rise when least expected

Take care hun. I think of you often


At 5:41 am, Blogger LL said...

I don't think the pain ever goes away. It catches me at odd moments too, fortunately, when I'm alone.

You have had so much to grieve for in your life Bugsy... you are allowed to feel it.

While I don't know that "time heals", I think as it passes it gives us the perspective needed to carry on.

At 1:35 pm, Blogger Katt said...

when you look at Alex you think of what you lost sometimes..Wonder what might have been for those gone..and what have i told you about Neighbours!!! TURN IT OFF!!!

biggest hugs those piccies

At 7:31 pm, Blogger Leeanne said...

Awe bugs he is soo cute. it is amazing how fast kids bounce back. thurs night tom had a few asthma attacks but yesterday he was zooming around.

At 4:17 pm, Blogger Bugsy said...

Thanks guys - i knew you would all understand. It is hard and the emotions are all over the place. one on hand I mourn my lost babies so much i wonder if I can function, but on the other hand i feel so guilty that i feel that way when i have Alex. He is everything! He is the light in my day, the heart that beats inside me. He is everything.


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