Thursday, January 20, 2005

The Storm and the Calm

Thanks to the lovely ladies that either added comments to my blog or emailed me about yesterday's entry. I thought I should update, since you are with me for the ride (got your sick bags, cause this ride is a rocky one?).

Well after I posted yesterday I just got angrier and angrier. The sound of his snoring just grated on me. But then I tried to calm down and finally I got to a point where I was okay. I woke him up and told him that I didn't want to go to work angry at him and we called a truce and cuddled.

Then my insane brain kicked in again and I became an banshee - screaming at him "Do you think I like taking this stupid folate tablet every day?" - "Do you think I enjoy taking my temperature every f'n day?"

He got annoyed and turned away from me and I went into pure psycho mode and ran and grabbed my bag and keys and screamed "Well maybe I will do something about it and you won't have to worry about me any more" as I slammed the front door behind me, jumped in the car and sped off to work.

I was so upset, that I couldn't even function at work. Tears were there just waiting for the opportunity to release. I emailed a dear friend, calling out for help and with her nudging, I went to the GP.

She listened to me talk and I told her absolutely everything. She thinks it is all just the stress of infertility that has brought me to this breaking point. She told me to stop trying. Her advice instead is just to focus on the Gyno appointment on the 3rd Feb and to demand IVF assistance then.

She said that obviously this is not going to happen on our own and we have given it a really good chance. So now we need to get help before our whole relationship falls apart.

So I left there, and went to the library and got a couple of good books on depression, IVF and PCOS. I was going to meet up with a friend, but she had issues with her Mother so I told her I would just hang round the library for a while and not to worry.

Next thing I know she has smsed me that she is on the way. We spoke for 4 hours. She said she knew something was really wrong because I didn't go home after the doctors. Thank you JT!

A big thank you to AH as well - who cared enough to tell me the absolute truth whether I wanted to hear it or not. And to BK as well, who always understands. You guys rock!

When I say that I probably wouldn't be alive and sane now without you guys I really mean it.

So - I eventually left the library and went home. Hubby had apparently worried about me. He had also put his fist through some furniture after I left yesterday morning he was so angry. He couldn't sleep and ended up sleeping on the couch and jumping up every time he heard a car.

We spoke a bit but he didn't want to talk too much about what happened. He listened to me though, so that is one thing. Easy does it I guess.

I would like to write more, but I have to go to work now. Perhaps if I get the energy I will add more later. Tata for now.


At 10:28 am, Blogger Burnt Karma said...

I'm glad you went to the GP - and you've got some good advice.

Sometimes things get so bad you just need a circuit breaker. It is hard, but infertility can take over your life and all you do is constantly focus on what you don't have. It did this to me.

So, if it's at all possible, find a quiet space and write down a list of all the good things you have in your life.

Also, when I was seeing a counsellor, she noticed that all my goals were long term goals, so I should make some short and medium term goals to. Even just doing a crossword - that's something that can be done in an hour (or less if you're clever, and if you are that clever, keep it to yourself :-)

Part of the problem is that we often feel like we're spinning our wheels and getting nowhere. So be ncie to yourself, try and think of some nice things that you already have now (just to get some more balance in your life) and focus on some shorter term goals to give yourself a sense that you're at least getting some things done.


And thanks for updating so soon. I was getting worried about you. :-)

At 12:49 am, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey - Re: the comment you left on my blog.. just lemme know and I will give you my doctors number :)



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