The struggle goes on

This is all so hard. This struggle we have. This battle to create the miracle child.

I am so torn what to do. In my heart I know that if I lose the weight I can get pregnant. But that knowledge is based on it happening to me once. Not a great basis for a major decision is it. It sounds so easy compared to what others I know have to struggle with, so why can’t I do it?

This week I have been so depressed, that I have hardly been able to function. Every day is a different emotion. Saturday was “Yes I can do this, I will get my baby”. Sunday was “perhaps we should admit defeat and look at IVF”. Monday was “I am getting nowhere and I am doing everything right”. Tuesday was “why do I bother? I just want a baby, why is such a “simple” thing so hard?”. Today I woke up with a migraine and could hardly move. I have felt down all day. Crying at the drop of a hat. Hubby and I sat and watched a show on IVF and then had a silly fight about it – If we did IVF, I would only want to implant 2 embryos, as I know I could not reduce the babies if we put more in and they all fertilized. That is just something I could not do. Twins on the other hand, I could cope with. I can understand that others faced with the same choice can make that decision but I just struggle with it.

Hubby said he would want 4 embryos placed. He said with the cost of IVF, that he could cope with reduction if they all took. Then he went on about the costs, and how we could only afford one shot at it if we did go that way. That just enraged me. We have absolutely no idea how much it costs yet he goes on and on about the costs.

I think it just means – we are not going to get our baby by any means other than natural means as the stress on us, the stress about the costs in particular, is just too great.

Hubby just has no idea. He is happy to spend $1000 on a tiny piece of computer equipment but wave the three little IVF letters in front of him and suddenly it is too expensive. So how do you put a price tag on a life?

I am rambling. I can’t focus on anything at the moment. I am just so cut up in my heart. I feel like someone has a band around my heart and every now and then they give it a twist just to remind me.

I don’t feel I am much good to anyone at the moment. I am not doing anything magical at work and it is imperative that I do a good job there. Home is a mess and the only thing I seem to be good at right now, is cooking – cooking adds weight, making the problem worse.

I am banned from watching the news, because the news of the Tsunami disaster just makes me cry every day. I have done what I can in donating but it doesn’t feel like enough.

I have had the strangest dreams lately too. One night I woke up screaming and sobbed in Hubby’s arms for hours – I had dreamt that we were divorcing because of infertility and it was a real nasty divorce. It scared me so much. Since then I have had dreams about getting a special code that I merely have to whisper at the butcher shop window and I get top quality meat at discount prices, and I have dreamt several times about going to south east Asia to help out and end up adopting a child. This particular dream varies. Last night it was an adoption “drive” the government was doing to try to get people to adopt orphaned children from the area.

I have been reading a book called “Binding Ties”, by Tom Frame. Tom Frame wrote this book about his experience of adoption and reunion in Australia. It discusses all the issues of adopting a child and being an adopted child. It has opened my eyes up to a lot of things I hadn’t thought about before. I had this stupidly innocent view that it was such a cut and dry exercise. I thought you just adopted a child, and brought that child into your family and that was the end of it. That they became your child. You became their parent. After reading this, and considering things a lot more, I am not sure I would feel comfortable adopting a child anymore. I guess it was always something that was in the back of my mind as being a possibility but I am not sure anymore that I could.

There are just so many ethical issues around adoption. There is only one thing I do know about it. If we were to adopt a child, I would love that child as if I had given birth to him\her. For me there would be no difference.

I know this is a controversial post and I don’t expect everyone to share my views on embryonic reduction and adoption. I guess in the end, nobody writing a blog entry expects everyone to share the same viewpoints. They just want understanding of their particular viewpoints and that is all I ask for as well.

I am off now to go help the Kleenex company rack up a few more millions in profit. Maybe if I get it all out I can turn around and pick myself up properly and get on with just living.