Friday, January 21, 2005

Where is the strength?

So last night I was up late, dreading the thought of going to sleep and waking up again, just to face another day.

One of my favorite shows on Foxtel was on - an Aussie show called "Love my way". I just love this show. It features Claudia Carven, who is a divorced artist with an 8 year old daughter, who's ex husband has married her best friend and just had a new baby boy. Strange sort of scenario but they are all really good friends, so somehow they made it work.

Well last night the 8 year old girl whom everyone calls "Lou", collapsed. She just fell down on the ground, with no warning at all. The others ran over to her and she wasn't breathing. They did CPR, and called the ambulance. The ambulance was there in 2 minutes and they got her heart started, and whisked her off to hospital.

Next scene is the grandparents running down the corridor and entering the room to see mum absolutely hysterical clutching her lifeless child to her breast. Later, Dad runs in and sees his lifeless daughter and screams at everyone to do something, get a doctor or something. His father had to restrain him and just hold him.

I was hysterical myself by this stage, uncontrollably crying. (Hubby of course was outside with his precious fish so he never saw any of this).

She had had a heart attack, and in a second, she was gone.

At 1am, I sat and wrote my feelings down. It came to this:

Am I strong enough to do this? Can I cope with the stress, the worry of being pregnant again? Of worrying every second if I am going to be able to keep the baby safe, or stressing every time I don't feel something or I do feel something?

And more importantly, Can I run the risk of loving someone again and possibly losing them? I never thought I would love anyone again, or that anyone would love me. After my parents died I wouldn't let anyone close. Part of that was because I was scared of losing them and part of that was because I felt like I was cursed and anyone loving me would get issued a death sentence.

Hubby came into my life and despite all my attempts to NOT get close to him, somehow wormed his way right into my heart. I took such a risk loving him and even today I am terrified of losing him. Can I take that risk and love a child as well?

What if something happened to that child? Do I have the strength to bury a child? When my sister in law lost the twins at 6.5 months gestation, my brother told me that it was the hardest thing he had ever had to do - bury his own children. Even now, 18 years later, he still marvels that they made it through that tough period. They nearly lost each other and very nearly lost themselves in the process.

I just don't know whether I can do it or not. I just don't know if I am strong enough.


At 10:17 am, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Everyday i am petrified of losing my kids. My SIL actually gave me a book for christmas and i can't bring myself to read it because it's about a little kid that dies of cancer. OMG, who would give that to someone as a GIFT? 'Here, have some depression for christmas'.
I don't know what i would do if i lost one. I think i would die even though rationally i know i would continue to live. We don't know what's going to happen. We just have to wait and see, but i'm willing to bet you have more strength than you realize.

At 11:57 am, Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's a funny thing about losing someone you love, or in fact, losing a pregnancy or a child. There is no way in the world that anyone would ever be able to say "It's ok. I will be strong enough to deal with that, should it eventuate". There is no way to know wether or not you would be strong enough to deal with it. From experience though, somehow, you just do. You don't want to - you are shitty you should have to - and it's pretty rough seas there for a long time, and the pain never quite goes away - but somehow you make it through to the other side where it isn't so raw.
I'm terrified of losing another child the way I did, and even more terrified of the thought of losing a child at a later date - but I don't believe it is in my best interests, to let my all consuming fear, get in the way of acheiving one of the things that would make me happiest in my lifetime. If I did that, I think I would be doing myself a disservice, and then what would I have left to look forward to - more fear.
Hope you find your path soon babe *hugs*


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