Thursday, February 24, 2005

Baby steps

I think the road to feeling better is made up of tiny little baby steps. When I make one of these steps I feel better. Sometimes I take a step back. Steps forward are very hard. Today I made another step forward. Just a little one mind you, but a step none-the-less.

5 weeks ago, a work colleague's wife gave birth to their second child - a little boy. Today his wife came to visit him with their two children. I happened to be walking through reception at the time and she saw me. We have met several times and she recognised me. She smiled at me with her wee baby in her arms and said "This is Nathan".

I went right over, and stared at that sweet little baby. Only 5 weeks old. I never felt sad, or angry or anything. I just felt this great awe of a beautiful little child. I could look at this child knowing that this child was not mine and I didn't even want him to be mine. He was just someone else's beautiful miracle child.

We talked about him for a few minutes, and then I said goodbye and walked away. A new spring definately in my step.

Hubby said he is so proud of me. He said he is so happy that I have been able to do this - to look at that baby and not feel cheated. I couldn't have held him mind you, but it is a step in the right direction.

p.s. Thank you all for caring so much. I do appreciate how wonderful my friends are, and I am very proud to call you all my friends. May camels never spit at your door.

2 Comments:

At 10:09 pm, Blogger Lesley said...

I am so proud of you...
You will get your dream really soon. You have grieved and are now ready. I am sure it will happen. You are in my thoughts
Hugs
Lesley

 
At 6:50 pm, Blogger Burnt Karma said...

Well, you're much braver than me. I couldn't hold other people's children without crying, so I stopped doing it after a while.

You're a trooper.

 

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