Washed out

I know I am a little slow, but I finally caught up with an episode of Knitty Gritty - OMG it is fantastic. I was like drooling at the TV screen.

Did you know they also have a website with patterns? It is a little hard to navigate so here is the bit you really need -> Knitty Gritty patterns

As to me: I am okay. I don't want to go back to work - ever. I don't want to see all these people who are pregnant or about to become Daddies. In our department of about 30 people, I can count 9 pregnancies and they are the ones I know about. In my little group of 8 people, 5 of them are pregnant. They talk about babies all day long. Complain about their pregnancies, and talk about how wonderful it is to be a parent and what a miracle a child is. Then innevitably they say "when are you going to start?". I just don't know I can handle it right now.

I have been in a washed out teary state all weekend. Hubbs is no better - he has a major toothache and has been drugged up all weekend trying to cope with it.

I know avoiding work is not the answer, so I will be back there tomorrow. I might take my headphones and turn the music up loud so I can't hear them. My ears seem super sensitive to talking about babies. I just can't cope with it.

All weekend I have been having daydreams about conversations that might occur next week. Does anyone else do this? I have dreamt that I said thank you to my boss for telling me personally about their baby, rather than finding out in a crowd. I dreamt that I spoke to his wife and asked lots of questions and we chatted about babies.

I dreamt I got pregnant again soon and this time the baby stuck.

I dreamt someone said "when are you going to start" and I answered "Maybe when I stop miscarrying my babies. Maybe then I will start".

I dreamt I never went back to work. That I never left the house actually, so I never had to see other people and their babies.

I think I am getting sick as well. My throat is really sore today. As I have discovered before, when I cry in my sleep, fluid tends to well up in the back of my throat and ears and I end up with an ear and throat infection. Oh great. Just what I need. Up side is that I might end up getting some time off work for it.

Panda - I just wanted to say that Yes you are right, I am having trouble talking to the infertiles that are currently pregnant - can't help it, and I am soo happy for them, but it is hard and I would be lying if I denied that. But they are not the group that really upsets me. With the pg infertiles, they still understand but I don't think they currently understand the same way - they have a new set of fears, but they are one step closer than I am. They might possibly (hopefully) have a baby. Right now - I won't. The group that I really have problems with are the fertile pregnant ones. They will never understand (and I hope they never have to). So please don't think that I don't want to keep up with my pg infertile friends. I do. I just don't expect you all to fully understand me, right now. God I hope that makes some sort of sense.

Time for a coffee I think. Catch you all later my darlings (You know - you guys are my strength at the moment).