Sunday, July 31, 2005

Washed out

I know I am a little slow, but I finally caught up with an episode of Knitty Gritty - OMG it is fantastic. I was like drooling at the TV screen.

Did you know they also have a website with patterns? It is a little hard to navigate so here is the bit you really need -> Knitty Gritty patterns

As to me: I am okay. I don't want to go back to work - ever. I don't want to see all these people who are pregnant or about to become Daddies. In our department of about 30 people, I can count 9 pregnancies and they are the ones I know about. In my little group of 8 people, 5 of them are pregnant. They talk about babies all day long. Complain about their pregnancies, and talk about how wonderful it is to be a parent and what a miracle a child is. Then innevitably they say "when are you going to start?". I just don't know I can handle it right now.

I have been in a washed out teary state all weekend. Hubbs is no better - he has a major toothache and has been drugged up all weekend trying to cope with it.

I know avoiding work is not the answer, so I will be back there tomorrow. I might take my headphones and turn the music up loud so I can't hear them. My ears seem super sensitive to talking about babies. I just can't cope with it.

All weekend I have been having daydreams about conversations that might occur next week. Does anyone else do this? I have dreamt that I said thank you to my boss for telling me personally about their baby, rather than finding out in a crowd. I dreamt that I spoke to his wife and asked lots of questions and we chatted about babies.

I dreamt I got pregnant again soon and this time the baby stuck.

I dreamt someone said "when are you going to start" and I answered "Maybe when I stop miscarrying my babies. Maybe then I will start".

I dreamt I never went back to work. That I never left the house actually, so I never had to see other people and their babies.

I think I am getting sick as well. My throat is really sore today. As I have discovered before, when I cry in my sleep, fluid tends to well up in the back of my throat and ears and I end up with an ear and throat infection. Oh great. Just what I need. Up side is that I might end up getting some time off work for it.

Panda - I just wanted to say that Yes you are right, I am having trouble talking to the infertiles that are currently pregnant - can't help it, and I am soo happy for them, but it is hard and I would be lying if I denied that. But they are not the group that really upsets me. With the pg infertiles, they still understand but I don't think they currently understand the same way - they have a new set of fears, but they are one step closer than I am. They might possibly (hopefully) have a baby. Right now - I won't. The group that I really have problems with are the fertile pregnant ones. They will never understand (and I hope they never have to). So please don't think that I don't want to keep up with my pg infertile friends. I do. I just don't expect you all to fully understand me, right now. God I hope that makes some sort of sense.

Time for a coffee I think. Catch you all later my darlings (You know - you guys are my strength at the moment).


At 12:54 pm, Blogger Mama Mouse said...

I'm so sorry you are so very sad. While I can't say that I understand, I can say that I can feel your pain in your words and the spirit that comes through them.

All I can offer is a very sincere and large HUG!!

At 1:02 pm, Blogger Tara said...

Bugsy, we are so in the same boat. I know exactly how you feel. Luckily everyone I know knows about our past and doesn't ask questions like they ask you. I always thought that was a rude question. Obviously a couple who has been together for a long time have either made the choice not to have children or are infertile. It's just rude and nosy to ask someone that.

At 2:25 pm, Anonymous Sara said...

I am right there with you, Bugsy. Hugs for you . . .

At 6:34 pm, Blogger shell said...

oh darlin' i am there with you in spirit. If I was well enough to get in the car and drove over to your place u know I would just to give you a huge hug. I can't even begin to imagine how u are feeling... I wish I could. Love you hun. If you need anything at all just give me a call.

At 1:53 pm, Blogger Anne Basso said...

When we knew we were going to lose Sarah, I dreamed that she wasn't stillborn, but was alive. In the dream they let me hold her assuming she would die in a few minutes, but she just kept living. Finally they decided to let me take her home to die, but she just kept living. And nothing was wrong with her.

I think your dreams and feelings are all totally normal. I'm so sorry.


At 9:14 am, Blogger Cathy said...

Thanks for your kind words about the loss of our dear Tuppence.

Catch you when we get back.

I'll wave as we go through Melbourne late next week.


At 7:26 pm, Blogger Lesley said...

Bugsy, I am sorry that you have had to go through what you have. I really really hope that you heal and feel a little better inside soon. I am thinking of you often even though I have not been online much lately. Take care and I hope your dh's toothache is better.
Who d oyou want to win Big Brother this year? I think Vesna should win. If not I would be happy if Tim won. Only 4 left in the house now.. I am going to have withdrawals for weeks after it's finished. I do every year.
Love ya.
Hugs from me to you.


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