The lows

I went back to work yesterday as I said I would. It was so hard to be there. I decided last night that I had to speak to my boss's wife about their baby news. This decision was twofold. I didn't want her to think I didn't care about their news, and I just had to know when their due date was. I knew it had to be close to Tukka's due date.

So today I plucked up the courage and when she came to the printer near my desk I spoke to her. I congratulated her on their news. She put her hand on my arm and said thanks and then said "You know, I am going to be so excited when you have good news too". She was so gentle with me. I asked when she was due and she looked at me, hesitated and said "February". The look in her eyes told me that she knew the news would hurt me, and she would have done anything to not hurt me. I asked "what day?" and she said "the 7th". 11 days before Tukka's due date. I knew it would be close.

I said Congratulations again and how excited I am for them. Then I slowly walked away, went to the loo and had a good cry. I am glad I did it and I know she was sensitive to my feelings, but it still hurt like anything.

Then I heard more news. Another girl announced today that she is also 12 weeks pregnant. Yep - that is 3 pregnancies in my department all due around Tukka's due date. I have been so upset since learning this. I am just a tired, emotional wreck. If only Tukka had survived. Things would be so different.

Now I am not telling you lot this to have you worrying about me but Sunday was a really low day for me. Hubb's toothache was really bad and he got angry at me and threw the bottle of toothache drops at me, as I opened the door to the ensuite to get him a cotton bud. It missed me and hit the door, and shattered the glass on the door. I was so upset I grabbed my keys and just left. I drove for three hours and ended up in a car park in the dandenongs just crying. I thought about ways to end it all, to stop all the pain. But after a while, I felt better about things, and my world didn't seem quite so dark. I went home again.

Hubbs apologised for throwing the bottle. His tooth was so bad he just reacted (it is terribly infected and will need a root canal after the infection has been dealt with). He never thought it would do any damage or anything. He has never deliberately hurt me or anything, and I don't think he really would. I got my revenge by telling his mum on him when she called, and he got an ear bashing from her (serves him right). He also has to replace the glass on the ensuite door and he had to clean up all the mess.

So where do I go from here? At the moment, all I can think about is getting through today. Tomorrow I will work on getting through that day as well. I can't see further than that.

Thanks for sticking with me.