Tuesday, August 02, 2005

The lows

I went back to work yesterday as I said I would. It was so hard to be there. I decided last night that I had to speak to my boss's wife about their baby news. This decision was twofold. I didn't want her to think I didn't care about their news, and I just had to know when their due date was. I knew it had to be close to Tukka's due date.

So today I plucked up the courage and when she came to the printer near my desk I spoke to her. I congratulated her on their news. She put her hand on my arm and said thanks and then said "You know, I am going to be so excited when you have good news too". She was so gentle with me. I asked when she was due and she looked at me, hesitated and said "February". The look in her eyes told me that she knew the news would hurt me, and she would have done anything to not hurt me. I asked "what day?" and she said "the 7th". 11 days before Tukka's due date. I knew it would be close.

I said Congratulations again and how excited I am for them. Then I slowly walked away, went to the loo and had a good cry. I am glad I did it and I know she was sensitive to my feelings, but it still hurt like anything.

Then I heard more news. Another girl announced today that she is also 12 weeks pregnant. Yep - that is 3 pregnancies in my department all due around Tukka's due date. I have been so upset since learning this. I am just a tired, emotional wreck. If only Tukka had survived. Things would be so different.

Now I am not telling you lot this to have you worrying about me but Sunday was a really low day for me. Hubb's toothache was really bad and he got angry at me and threw the bottle of toothache drops at me, as I opened the door to the ensuite to get him a cotton bud. It missed me and hit the door, and shattered the glass on the door. I was so upset I grabbed my keys and just left. I drove for three hours and ended up in a car park in the dandenongs just crying. I thought about ways to end it all, to stop all the pain. But after a while, I felt better about things, and my world didn't seem quite so dark. I went home again.

Hubbs apologised for throwing the bottle. His tooth was so bad he just reacted (it is terribly infected and will need a root canal after the infection has been dealt with). He never thought it would do any damage or anything. He has never deliberately hurt me or anything, and I don't think he really would. I got my revenge by telling his mum on him when she called, and he got an ear bashing from her (serves him right). He also has to replace the glass on the ensuite door and he had to clean up all the mess.

So where do I go from here? At the moment, all I can think about is getting through today. Tomorrow I will work on getting through that day as well. I can't see further than that.

Thanks for sticking with me.


At 9:59 pm, Blogger e said...

Hang in there. Things will get better.

At 3:02 am, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm sorry youve been having a bad spot of days lately. Hang in there, it has to go up soon.
Was checking the moon-cycle to see if we can blame the recent rash of lunacy the full moon. Stupid question: If the moon is full in the US, is it the new moon for ya'll down under? I mean, it's the brunt of summer here, now, so I assume everything else is the opposite, right? (I'm going to stop now before i sound stupid-er)

At 7:05 am, Blogger Mama Mouse said...

Bugsy ... I'm sooo very sorry. I don't know if this will help ... but its worth a try.

Every time you think of Tukka ... picture her playing in a field of flowers with angels for playmates. Other children are there playing too. She will never get sick and will always be happy. She misses you but knows you will join her, its only a mater of time.

This IS what she is doing Bugsy! I have no doubts at all. I can't begin to even imagine the loss you feel ... but you must go on for HER. She wants you to move on ... and while remembering her, live your life. You will never forget her ... you will always love her ... trying to picture her as a happy child will help .... at least I think it might.

Very BIG (((HUGS))).

At 7:35 am, Blogger Bugsy said...

Thank you guys. E - I will do my best to get through today. I so hope things do get better eventually. Anon - I checked on here -> http://www.wunderground.com/global/stations/94868.html and the moon is a waning cresent today only 4% of the moon is showing. So it appears things are different down under. It also means I can't blame my lunacy on the full moon! LOL

Mama mouse - You are such an angel. I was in tears reading of the beautiful place where you think Tukka might be. I will cling to that when times get tough. I have also had dreams that my parents are caring for my babies (including one where they said "enough already, we don't need any more kids to care for"). I just wish they were all here on earth instead. I miss both my children and my parents very much.

At 8:19 am, Blogger Mama Mouse said...

I know dear ... to lose so many loved ones is very difficult. YOu have to remember though that aren't actually LOST ... we just can't see them right now. But if we try we can FEEL them ... feel their love.

Your dreams of your parents very well could be them speaking to you. The power of dreams has the ability to reach to the heavens.

My father died when I was 16 ... my grandmother and primary caretaker died when I was 10. It isn't easy ... I know.

You WILL get through it ... grief is a normal process ... and though it IS painful and can last for years ... there IS light on the other end. Slowly sad memories will be replaced by happy ones and a day will come when you will smile again when thinking of them all.


At 8:34 am, Blogger Ova Girl said...

Wow...what wise comments!

Bugsy can only say I'm sorry it's so bad at the moment and to hang in there. I too believe that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

That image of Tukka playing in a field of flowers with the other angel kids is just beautiful.

At 12:34 pm, Blogger MC said...

I hope things are turning around for you.Sometimes we just have to get that low before it does.
I'm in my office with tears streaming down my face, I hope a student doesn't come in.

At 3:17 pm, Blogger Mony said...

You are always there for everyone else, Bugsy. I am so sad & sorry that everything is mounting to push your emotions & sanity to the limit. It is impossible to tell you how to feel better, I don't know myself. It must be unbearable seeing those 3 women all pregnant in your department. That is so painful. I got a great comment from Molly on my blog today & her words gave me a smile even though I feel like crap. I will pass them onto you.
"Fuck infertility & the horse she rode in on....."
I like it.
Bless you!

At 3:54 pm, Blogger Katt said...

You say "Thanks for sticking with me."

Like I have anywhere else I would want to be hun!


At 11:15 pm, Blogger PJ said...

Everyone else has such beautiful words of encouragement. I echo each and every one of them, especially MM's comment about where Tukka is right now.

I hope things get better for you real soon. Hang in there.

At 1:52 am, Blogger vixanne wigg said...

I think that sometimes all you can do is try to get through the day. One minute at a time...I do so so hope that soon you have reason to look forward to the days instead of just trying to get through them.

At 2:34 am, Blogger Anne Basso said...

Take it one day at a time. And remember that grieving is okay. You have a right to grieve Tukka, and all the hopes and dreams you had.


At 6:33 am, Blogger shell said...

You'll have good days abd bad days hun. To echo everyone else all you can do is take it one day at a time. The field of flowers with angels playground for Tukka is just perfect and I'm glad it helped you :) If you need anything at all you just let me know and I MEAN that!

At 8:00 pm, Blogger Lesley said...

Bugsy, I am backkkk,
I thought of you Yesterday and Today and I think about you every day. Your a really sweet lady and I appreciate you being there for me.. I hope that Tomorrow can be a better day for you..
Luv and hugs from me especially for you.


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