Sunday, September 04, 2005

knitting and the egg chase

Morning ladies - thanks for the comments on the napkin rings - I will continue with them now - whoo hoo. Of course I will probably go buy either some napkins to go with it, or some nice crafty things for her as well.

I have been knitting this morning, another blank square actually, while I am sitting and watching knitty gritty. It is an episode about spinning your own yarn, and for those that want to have a go without the high price tag - they also show you how to make you own spinning spindle. The details are here.

*fertility stuff and perhaps TMI follows so stop now if you came for the knitting and don't want to read this sort of stuff here *

I am cd13 today. On the last two 100mg clomid cycles I Ovulated on cd17 (when I got pregnant with tukka) and cd19 (failed cycle). So I am trying to get hubby to see that we should be babydancing now. But he doesn't seem too interested! Last night I quietly mentioned to him that we should go to bed and he kept saying "later". So about 11:30pm I spoke to him again about it. I didn't want to push him or he would say I was pressuring him. He said "what day are you now?"

Yep that is what our sex life has come down to. He is only interested in it if I am likely to ovulate. I know his back hurts. I know that he is tired but it has really become so infrequent that it is really silly. He just has the lowest sex drive of anyone I have ever met. He has always said to me that it just isn't that important in his life anymore, not like when he was younger.

Well I will be honest and say that it had never been important in my life either, until I met him. I was 30 when we married and that was the beginning of my experience in these things (apart from some petting as a teenager with a previous boyfriend). But then I met Hubbs and fell in love and suddenly it did become important. Not just to have a child - that is a bonus of the process, but because I love him and I want to be as close as possible to him.

I think the losses I have experienced in my life have made me very insecure. I need the closeness. I need to know I am loved. He tells me but I need the visibility of physical love as well. BUT - it is not the most important thing in our relationship. Hubbs and I are best friends too. We can talk for hours. I think, in the end, that will be the most enduring feature of our marriage. Yes I love him to death, but I also really LIKE him.

Anyway, I got sick of begging like a puppy for him to come to bed and finally I told him that he may not like it all that much, but unfortunately we have to have sex if he wants a child, and my clomid boosted eggs are not going to wait until he is in the mood. Then I kissed him and went to bed.

30 minutes later he joined me and was very cuddly. Thank goodness.

I know I shouldn't get upset when the process is so difficult, but it does upset me and I try not to let it. TTCing is hard enough, long term ttcing is torturous, but when hubbs doesn't feel like babydancing on critical days then it becomes our own little natural disaster. Getting upset doesn't help. I can't relax if I am really stressed and Hubbs just gets totally turned off. Not very conductive to love making. I feel so fat and ugly during these times. I feel like I don't turn him on anymore; that I am not sexy. He tells me that isn't true, that he is attracted to me. It's just his back pain and busy lifestyle.

I just long for the days when we made love because we wanted to. The days of old when hubbs would come home from work and dinner would burn on the stove because we couldn't contain our passion until after we had eaten. Now it is just babydancing.

I just wish for once our personal relationship came first in our life.

So we will see. We will see.

okay, time to get off the net and back onto knitting.


At 11:05 am, Blogger Ova Girl said...

Bugsy I totally hear you, this is such a hard part of the package. We do need to feel loved and sexy and desired by our partners, it's not just the babymaking. And sometimes when it seems so mechanical and forced it's the most unsexy thing in the world. I think though that you handled the situation beautifully - no pressure - and then things worked out in the end. It's great that you and your husband are such best friends because you're right that is the basis for longevity.

At 8:03 am, Anonymous MrsHUGS said...

Oh Bugsy...
I have tears in my eyes...
I so understand the TTCing, although we have been lucky enough to fall pregnant about 6 months after both miscarriages, I dont know how you and many others that are TTCing, do it month after month for years... I take my hat off to you all... I have only been thinking that once our little bundle arrives we will be using what we have learnt about TTCing in the reverse so we cant fall pg, I so wish that I was younger and was able to donate my eggs for someone else to use, but being 40 puts me out of it altogether... Our thoughts are with you both...

Love always MrsHUGS

At 8:55 am, Blogger Mari said...

Bugs - I'm so sorry that you and hubs have to go through this hard time. I've told you before but for us it is the reverse situation. If he could Mimi would be babydancing 24/7. But most times I'm just not up to it and sometimes I think, that if there is no egg why should I bother?
But that is the extreme and only occasional.

I think that you nailed your problem on the head so to speak, they way your hubs could be looking at bd is just that baby making rather than making love. Which is what it should be about. My suggestion is talk to him about how you feel, even get him to read your blog. You did the right thing that night.



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