Saturday, December 03, 2005

Hormonal but happy

Hi guys,

I have been doing well. We managed, so far, to bd the last three days (whoo hoo), so only tonight to go on the 4 day bd plan that the nurses gave me. Hubbs has excelled himself for once - actually doing things like having a nap in the evening so he isn't too tired to BD (after having hardly any sleep this week due to work). And I am sure you don't want to hear this - but WOW. (do the OI drugs make you more umm..... horny? Cause I am way there hehe)

I got asked during the week whether I was feeling positive about this cycle or not. It's a good question and one that I have been trying hard to ignore.

I have been trying really hard to focus on each day but not whether this might actually work or not.

I will say that I was actually a little dissappointed to find that I only had 2 dominant follicles and really only one of those was really dominant. We have thought and talked about twins so much that I really wanted twins, but I don't really think we are going to get them.

I just read that, and nearly wiped it out, but I will leave it because it is how I feel, stupid as it is. It sounds so ungrateful. If I get pregnant with this, I will be estatic with whatever I get. I want a baby, and I don't care whether it is a girl or a boy; a singleton or twins - I want to be a mummy and I just want a healthy baby.

I don't know how I really feel about this cycle. I mean, I wouldn't go through the injections and everything if I didn't think there was some chance of success, but I don't feel confident that this will be it. I don't know if that is just a self preservation thing - trying to convince myself that it doesn't matter if we don't success this time or not.

I keep thinking about something Hubbs said to me a few months ago when we decided to do some OI cycles. Hubbs said to me that I need to relax about it totally. He said that we should do a couple of cycles of OI, and then move onto IVF, but that I shouldn't focus on anything in those OI cycles. That instead, remember that if they don't work, that it is only a couple of months we spent building up to IVF. A learning experience.

So although it sounds really stupid, part of me is just going with the motions of this cycle, knowing that it gets me closer to IVF (which somehow in my head has me convinced will produce guaranteed results).

ok - so you are probably thinking that I am totally messed up huh - Well, you are probably close.

But guess what? I am a happy messed up person. I haven't been really depressed in some time. I am happy. Very very happy and so in love with my husband that I just can't express it. I really think my depression was due to the clomid. Since that is out of my system, I haven't felt the same level of depression.

Reason #12 to be happy: "There can be delight in the middle of a thunderstorm if you can see the wonder of the energy created by nature".


At 6:00 pm, Blogger Lesley said...

Bugsy, I am soooooo happy to hear you sounding more positive and enjoying yourself this cycle. :-)
Glad hubby could rise to the!


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