Thursday, December 08, 2005

a minor update.

Hi guys,

I thought I had better come and update you on how I am, before I start getting emails about how worried you were about me (you were worried about me - right?)

I am doing okay. The HCG booster and the high blood pressure have knocked me for 6 and I have been going to bed each night by about 8pm and rising at 6am to drag myself to work and try to get through another day, all the time longing to go home to bed.

I have been hit with a lot of pregnancy symptoms, but I know this is just the HCG in my system, which makes it very strange. It is weird to feel so pregnant and know that I am not detectable so. I am about 7dpo today and the 2 week wait is really dragging.

This morning I felt better and was sad that I didn't feel pregnant anymore. Which is crazy because it is only the side effects of the HCG shot at this stage. I don't feel so confident anymore. Then I went to lunch and instant nausea had me feeling a little more reassured.

But ultimately I am trying so hard not to make anything out of how I feel. I have an uneasy feeling that we are not going to get pregnant this cycle. To be honest, I would probably feel guilty if I did. Why should I be so lucky and get pregnant on the first cycle of OI when so many others are on their X cycle of OI and still struggling. I know that sounds silly because why on earth would we all be doing this if it wasn't with the aim to actually conceive, but as much as I have been through a lot, I know others have been through more.

I had a weird thing happen to me this week. A lady I work with, who doesn't know about our struggles, came to me and said she had to speak to me - alone.

We went to a meeting room and she told me that God had been speaking to her and sending her images of me holding a baby. He had been doing it for about 3 weeks now and telling her to tell me. She was scared to tell me because obviously she thought I would think she was a bit strange. As she told me she had tears rolling down her face. I was flabbagasted but very touched. I could never be angry at her for telling me something that she felt so compelled to tell me. Then she asked me to come with her to mass on Sunday at her church and stand up with the priest and receive a healing blessing. At first I discounted the idea completely. I have had rather a unusual exposure to religion in my life, and I have a belief that unless I am invited into a church, then it would be rude of me to go. I have a deep respect for religion and other people's beliefs, and I feel it disrespectful to do something like that. Then after discussing it with a few people, I reconsidered and asked her more questions. I found out that the church is the one that about 200 people I work with go to. That is when I completely discounted the possibility of going. When I realised that if I did, roughly 200 people I work with would see me, and a lot of questions would be raised. I just couldn't do it.

She totally respected my decision, and said she would do so on my behalf this Sunday. I thanked her, then went away and cried. I was very touched that she felt compelled to tell me this, and I wasn't freaked out in the slightest. It is nice to know people are thinking good things, and I hope with all my heart that it comes true. I will be thinking of her on Sunday and hoping I haven't blown my one and only chance at having a baby by not attending in person.

I must go back to work. I do hope everyone is doing well. Hopefully I will feel better soon and be able to read blogs etc more.

Take care everyone.


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