The pattern of my life continues.

Finally, AF arrived late Thursday night, so I start back at the clinic on Monday. If the results are okay then I will begin the injections again on Tuesday. Bring it on I say. The opportunity to do this and have another chance brings with it a ray of hope. And hope at the moment is pretty much all I have.

My cough is starting to get better but I still can't laugh at anything or I end up in a coughing fit that just won't end.

I got news yesterday that my bosses wife (the one due 11 days before my miscarried Tukka should have been due) is in breach and they have decided to do a c/s on Tuesday. A bit early but they didn't want her going into labour on her own. At this news I went and hid in the loos and had a good cry. It is far too "in my face" for me to cope with at the moment.

A friend suggested that I should take Tues\Wed off work so I don't have to hear all about it from everyone. I won't do that though. I am so sick of running away from this pregnancy. I just want it to all be over, yet I know it won't be. The pregnancy was the first hurdle for me to get over, now it will be hearing about the birth and seeing how excited my boss is to be a Dad. Comparing that constantly to how excited Hubbs would be (and F why can't I give him that?).

Then it will be every milestone and hearing all about this child. I seriously don't know if I will cope very well with it. I had a terrible dread feeling yesterday that they had a girl and named her Laura - the name we want to use.

Tukka should have been with me still. On the 18th Feb, Tukka's due date will be here. Another thing for me to endure. I feel so very cheated. Why? Why do some people breeze through this stuff and why do some struggle as I have. Why did Tukka have to leave me? Why? Why can't I have that? I want my baby back. I want my baby back now.

Sometimes I want to scream at my boss. Sometimes I want to shake him and say "Do you really understand how precious a gift you have been given? Do you really appreciate how incredible this baby is? Do You??".

But how can I ever get through. How does someone who has never experienced the pain of infertilty really understand ? I thank the heavens that they never have to experience that, but I wish there was some way they could really understand how I feel. My boss turned to me yesterday and said with a huge smile on his face "I'm going to be a Daddy".

I just wish he understood how much that is like sticking a knife right through my heart.

Somehow I just have to get through this.

Oscar and Maddison went to the vet last night. Maddison is doing well, and her heart and lungs are nice and clear, but my heart plummetted when instead of hearing "She's fine - she can go outside and lead a normal life now" I heard, "Her rehab can begin in 1.5 weeks."

"Her rehab?" I asked.

"In 1.5 weeks she can start going for short walks - 5 mins building up to 10 mins over a week or so, then extend that a little longer each time, and I will see her in March"

So Maddison has to remain confined a little longer. They never told me this in the beginning. She has to stay in her cage most of the time for the next 2 months! Once she is back out doing gentle walks and copes okay the Vet will allow her to go play with Sandy for brief periods of time etc. So it is going to be Months before she is back outside and happy. Poor baby and poor us, having to cope longer with this.

Oscar also didn't fare so well. He has a growth on his paw that I wanted checked out. Unfortunately the vet isn't very happy with the look of it, and it has to be removed. He goes into surgery on Wednesday, and then it will be sent to pathology to see if they can work out what it is. Hopefully it is nothing serious. Then Oscar will probably have to spend the next couple of months inside with his paw bandaged up, as they said surgery on the pad of the paw like that can be tricky and can take a long time to heal. Great.

Can you see a pattern here?