Trying to make some sense of it all.

Evening ladies.

Well I just wish I knew what was going on with my body. Yesterday when I posted I felt totally human - completely non-pregnant. Not long after I posted I started feeling nauseous again and it was the best feeling in the world.

I feel pregnant again today and totally scared to feel this way. In this time of uncertainty I am pretty scared about feeling like things might go okay. Like I am being a total fool for saying out loud "I'm pregnant". I even thought about getting rid of the ticker but have persevered with it.

But until I know for sure otherwise, I am still pregnant. oh that sounds so silly. Me pregnant? Surely after what the doctor said the other day I should start thinking about life after this pregnancy?

oh I don't know what to think. I am so torn. I feel pregnant. Today I look at my bbs and they are swollen, blue veins criss cross over them that are not there normally. I look at food and just feel a little off towards it - not bad, but just not totally right with food.

I'm tired. so very tired that I could sleep all afternoon. At different times during the day, I can feel the stretching feeling on both my sides still.

But then on the other hand I have the doctor's prediction and the likelihood that there will be no happy ending for us. No sweet smelling baby to bring home in February, no crying all night (well except for me), no discussion about breastfeeding, no pooey nappies.

My nausea is only slight - perhaps this is a sign that things are not great, although some people never have any so I guess I can't use that as a guide.

I have had a few brown gunky bits when I have wiped, but I have had no cramping, no real bleeding. I did have a tiny streak of blood on Thursday when I wiped, followed 10 minutes later by one spot of blood, but there has been nothing since. I have been through 2 miscarriages. I know that was not it.

Tomorrow I have another blood test. The nurse at monash was very sympathetic and told me to come in whenever I like. It will be a whole week after the last blood test, so that should give me a good indication of where this is going.

I know one thing though. Despite how scared we are, Hubbs and I have decided that we are not going to do any D&C until we know 150% that this baby is not going to make it. "Not seeing a fetus" despite no cramping or bleeding just doesn't cut it in our books. Since Friday I have read several hundred incidences on the net of people who have been through the same thing and haven't seen their baby for weeks and still had a healthy baby at the end of it.

I know it sounds strange that after all this time, all the trying, all the fertility treatements, that I should appear to be almost giving up right now. I'm not. I am still acting as if I may be pregnant, taking my folate and eating all the right things. I am just really scared about getting excited by it right now. I am scared of hoping so much and then getting knocked down by a miscarriage. I suppose I am trying to stick my head in the sand for a few days and hoping when I pop my head up I will still be pregnant.

Does that make any sense?