Monday, June 19, 2006

Trying to make some sense of it all.

Evening ladies.

Well I just wish I knew what was going on with my body. Yesterday when I posted I felt totally human - completely non-pregnant. Not long after I posted I started feeling nauseous again and it was the best feeling in the world.

I feel pregnant again today and totally scared to feel this way. In this time of uncertainty I am pretty scared about feeling like things might go okay. Like I am being a total fool for saying out loud "I'm pregnant". I even thought about getting rid of the ticker but have persevered with it.

But until I know for sure otherwise, I am still pregnant. oh that sounds so silly. Me pregnant? Surely after what the doctor said the other day I should start thinking about life after this pregnancy?

oh I don't know what to think. I am so torn. I feel pregnant. Today I look at my bbs and they are swollen, blue veins criss cross over them that are not there normally. I look at food and just feel a little off towards it - not bad, but just not totally right with food.

I'm tired. so very tired that I could sleep all afternoon. At different times during the day, I can feel the stretching feeling on both my sides still.

But then on the other hand I have the doctor's prediction and the likelihood that there will be no happy ending for us. No sweet smelling baby to bring home in February, no crying all night (well except for me), no discussion about breastfeeding, no pooey nappies.

My nausea is only slight - perhaps this is a sign that things are not great, although some people never have any so I guess I can't use that as a guide.

I have had a few brown gunky bits when I have wiped, but I have had no cramping, no real bleeding. I did have a tiny streak of blood on Thursday when I wiped, followed 10 minutes later by one spot of blood, but there has been nothing since. I have been through 2 miscarriages. I know that was not it.

Tomorrow I have another blood test. The nurse at monash was very sympathetic and told me to come in whenever I like. It will be a whole week after the last blood test, so that should give me a good indication of where this is going.

I know one thing though. Despite how scared we are, Hubbs and I have decided that we are not going to do any D&C until we know 150% that this baby is not going to make it. "Not seeing a fetus" despite no cramping or bleeding just doesn't cut it in our books. Since Friday I have read several hundred incidences on the net of people who have been through the same thing and haven't seen their baby for weeks and still had a healthy baby at the end of it.

I know it sounds strange that after all this time, all the trying, all the fertility treatements, that I should appear to be almost giving up right now. I'm not. I am still acting as if I may be pregnant, taking my folate and eating all the right things. I am just really scared about getting excited by it right now. I am scared of hoping so much and then getting knocked down by a miscarriage. I suppose I am trying to stick my head in the sand for a few days and hoping when I pop my head up I will still be pregnant.

Does that make any sense?


At 8:09 pm, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think you are making perfect sense. I am very proud to be able to call myself your friend. You are one amazing lady :)

At 8:40 pm, Blogger Cathy said...

You are definately making sense to me.

Stay brave you amazing lady.

The self dyed yarn is knitting up beautifully into a pair of socks for miss almost 4.


At 9:53 pm, Blogger Vee said...

Bugsy,I understand you and what a difficult situation you are in. I wish you all the best for tomorrow results. Stay strong .

At 6:48 am, Blogger Tara said...

I'm happy to see you being positive. I said a little prayer for your test tomorrow. I truly hope all of this will be a giant scare and you will get to hold your precious one in February.

At 8:42 am, Anonymous eleni said...

i only had a 5 second wave of nausea with my son, knew more i was preg by the painful and dark nipples...don't give up

At 8:46 am, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You're in my thoughts today. I hope your blood test gives you some hopeful news.

At 9:05 am, Anonymous Leoni said...

Hi Bugsy hun,

I am really sorry that you have to go through all this stress, but please don't give up yet hun. I am 8 weeks today with not one wiff of nausea, just gone "off" certain foods and thinking about some food makes my insides "churn". I don't have that strong sense of smell I had with Annike either. All I know is my bb's are sore (and slightly bigger) but that is it. When I had one of my first m/c where they too found no baby just the sac (mind you I was 8 weeks when the scan was done) my PG test was very VERY weak when done at 5 weeks PG. I had blood tests done to see if everything was doubling and the answer was a big fat no. I had no PG sysmptoms at all, not even sore bb's and by 10 weeks the scan once again only saw the sac and my hormone levels had taken a HUGE nose dive.

My point is you had a VERY strong PG test and you tested way earlier than I did, your hormones were doubling well when they tested your blood AND you did have your scan very early where it is highly possible not to see the baby yet. One of the girls in my DID group went throught the same as you with her 1st baby and her daughter is almost 5 today.

Big {{{HUGS}}} to you and DH and hang in there OK, I'll be keeping my fingers crossed for your BT to come back and prove everyone (drs) wrong and us right.
Leoni (Sister9)

At 1:20 pm, Blogger The Momma / MrsHUGS said...

Hi Bugsy,
Today is Tuesday, so you are very present in my thoughts, hope all goes well, take care...

At 2:02 pm, Blogger Katt said...

My thoughts are with you today as you await the results of your blood test.


At 5:03 pm, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm hoping you're okay.


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