Friday, July 28, 2006

Home again

I'm home and I am okay. I had the D&C today around midday.

Not handling this too well at the moment. I cried all night, cried all morning at the hospital and cried as they gave me the anaesthetic. My last words were "goodbye my baby. Mummy loves you".

I woke up in recovery crying with a caring nurse stroking my face. She asked "why all the tears?" and I said "because I woke up again". The escape from this pain, even temporary was quite a relief.

Because I was so upset, they twisted the rules a bit and got Hubbs into recovery for me. He was by my side constantly except when I went into theatre.

They let me home about an hour ago, and here I am, in bed, battling the most incredible waves of pain I have ever experienced, with the only thing keeping me sane is reading all your lovely comments. Thank God for wireless network connectivity.

What would I do without you all? Thank you all so much. You and Hubbs are the only things stopping me from really going over the edge right now.

Still crying. Shit I wish that would stop. My eyes are so sore I can no longer wipe them, only pat them with a tissue.

I have all next week off work, longer if I need it. Let's hope that is enough time for me to gain some strength, physically and mentally.

I just want to wake up from this nightmare.

13 Comments:

At 5:27 pm, Anonymous eleni said...

HUGS words seem somehow inadequate

 
At 5:42 pm, Anonymous Leoni said...

Oh sweety,
How my heart aches for you and your DH. I get all teary every time I think you've lost your little one yet again. It brings it all back again, the crisp white sheets from the hospital, that feeling of sheer desolation when you wake up. Man I can so relate to all that. Oh and the bloody endless crying, just when you think you have no tears left along comes a fresh batch of tears. I am glad you have taken some time off, no it will not be enough time for you to feel "normal" again (geez how does that feel you say) but it will give you some time to collect your scattered thoughts. You'll probably experience some baby blues in a few days, unfortunately a stupid side effect with the huge drop in hormones. I just wanted to crawl into a big hole and die and would quite happily never have woken up again if it meant that all that horrible pain would just go away. I also found that having a 3rd m/c makes you relive the previous 2 as if it happened yesterday and if you have any unresolved feelings burried away, boy do they come to the surface this time! It took me a long...long time to come to terms with my 3rd m/c, I had a lot of pent up/white hot rage inside of me that needed to get out. I was angry at the world for months afterwards and virtually became a recluse as I lost all interest in my hobbies. I also had the added stress that everyone avoided me like th plague, like a m/c was catching or something, that hurt the most. Please know we are here for you if you need to "talk", you know I am always on MSN if you feel like you need a sounding board, so just grab me when you see me online.
Lots of {{{HUGS}}} being sent your way, you are constantly in my thoughts.
Cheers,
Leoni

 
At 7:31 pm, Blogger The Momma / MrsHUGS said...

Hi Bugsy...
I think Leoni said it all...
I didnt say anything to the others here this morning as I know the effect it would have, I told david when he got home from work, he gave me a HUG and that look of we know what Bugsy is going through and the tears flowed again, I shall tell Mel when she gets home from work tonight, thats going to be a hard one...

Know that you are in our thoughts...

MrsHUGS and Family...

 
At 8:34 pm, Anonymous Felicity said...

Im so, so sorry for you and Hubs, Bugsy.I cant believe it, its just terrible.

Thinking of you.

Felicity.

 
At 11:31 pm, Blogger Tara said...

I'm thinking about you. Hugs to you from me.

 
At 11:40 pm, Anonymous Kara said...

had to de-lurk to tell you how very sorry I am for your loss.

 
At 12:16 am, Anonymous Joey said...

I am so very sorry. May you find peace.

 
At 3:20 am, Blogger Dr J. said...

I am so very, very sorry.

 
At 4:38 am, Blogger Heather said...

I'm so very sorry.
I'll be thinking about you and sending you lots of good thoughts!!

 
At 1:23 pm, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry sweety, I just wish I could find the words, but I know only time can heal your heart. Hang in there <3
HeavenLeigh

 
At 2:10 pm, Blogger Kris said...

I'm so sorry. I want to say something else, but I just can't... I'm just so sorry.

 
At 7:30 pm, Anonymous seepi said...

I am so sorry.
The worst things can happen to the best people.
Your hormones will be all over the place, so you need to be very very kind to yourself.
You may not want to think to the future, but it used to help me to concentrate on Courtney from Friends. She had a long series of mc's and finally got her daughter.
Or you may need to just distract yourself from thinking about it.
Do whatever you need to do to look after yourself.

 
At 8:44 am, Blogger K|nneret said...

Oh Bugsy, I am so so SO deeply sorry for your loss - I wish there were words to express the depth of my sorrow. How terrible, how awful, how sad. Be good to yourself - and take time to heal. The grief is like a tidal wave ... but time *will* soften the pain, even if you don't believe it now. I didn't either.
Please know I am crying here with you and sending you much love.

 

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