moving through the pain

Thank you Ladies - You have far more faith in me than I have in myself. I am under no illusions. I am no different than anyone else out there. I can honestly say that my motivations for talking to others about my own plight and about theirs is purely selfish. By discussing it with them, I hope to gain some sanity, some control, some understanding over my own situation. I hope in the process that it also helps them. I do believe we can help each other as I have seen time and time again with you ladies.

I have a lot going on in my head right now. The test results on Monday; Giving my lost baby boy a name to do him justice; My sister moving; my career and where it is going\not going; the test results we are waiting on (Friday hopefully); When my period is going to arrive (I had some spotting yesterday but it stopped); the decision on whether we will try again; whether to adopt; whether the results will reveal that I am a freak of nature with translocated genes; How can I lose weight?; how can I save money?; how can I be happier? ; can i really knit socks?

Tomorrow is 6 weeks since I lost my son. 6 long weeks. I will never forget him. I cannot forget any of my babies. They are a part of me forever and I love them with all my heart.

Last night I finished reading "Memoirs of a Geisha" - I really enjoyed it, although I wish it had gone into more detail. I wanted to live the experience, but felt I was living it with some big gray areas. It has certainly changed my westener perception on what Geishas are.

Steve Irwin's death has upset me more than I realised. I keep thinking about Terri and the children. I keep thinking that he was only 4 years older then Hubbs. How on earth would I cope if something happened to him? The mere thought of it has my fear level rising. It's insane, and so very sad. I see the crowds of people hovering around the Irwins and a big part of me wishes I could tell them to bugger off and leave the family alone. Can't they do anything in private? I wonder how long before the actual footage is leaked to the media? I read today that the media is waiting until after the Funeral to discuss with Terri whether or not they can have the footage of his demise. Incredible. Surely death is such a private moment - what right does the world have to view this footage?

I have gotten into a pattern of keeping myself ultra busy. I wake at 6, shower, dress, then I either knit, read, clean, tidy or websurf until 8 when I go to work. I throw myself into work, stopping briefly for lunch, until 5:30. Then I go home, cook dinner, clean up, then I knit, do "That's Life" and "Take 5" puzzles, clean , tidy, web surf, read, something until I am so exhausted that I have to sleep. Usually that is around 11pm. I go to bed, read for an hour until I can hardly keep my eyes open, at which time i sleep. This means I have about 6 hours of dream free, uninterrupted sleep until 6am when I repeat the process. The shower is my difficult time, as I can't do a second task. This is the time I usually think more about my babies, and I often cry buckets in the shower. Crying is usually hit and miss though the rest of the day.

Hoping everyone is well. Take care all and thanks for thinking of me.