Wanting something you may never have

You find understanding in the strangest of places.

Today I was at work, merrily working away when I got a message from a fellow coworker (in another department - we hardly have anything to do with each other). She asked if I could help her speed up her email client as it was working very slow and she was working from home. I told her next time she is in we can take a look at her configuration and see what we can do. She then said "i am not sure when I will next be in - I am confined to bed rest for the next few months". I told her I would help her check out her configuration then and we could muddle through over the phone or something. I then said "hope you are okay". She didn't have to explain but she did. She is pregnant and has a threatened miscarriage. Doc has told her that in her situation, bed rest might help so that is what she is doing. Then she begged me not to tell anyone at work, as hardly anyone knows.

I told her "I understand. I have lost three precious babies myself. If you need anything, let me know." and "I hope you and the baby are okay. Take care of yourself and do what you have to do". She was shocked. She had no idea. We talked about it for a while after that. It feels good to find even more understanding out there, although I wish she didn't have this fear. I do hope her and the baby are okay. I understand, yet I wish with all my heart I didn't. I wish her and I never had to have that conversation. I hope in some small way, I have helped her too.

Very emotional today. My boss hasn't asked how we went yesterday but he has asked "are you okay?" as I walked past I just nodded and kept going (I was on the way to the loo for a little cry - perceptive man that he is).

I'm tired but I don't want sleep. I want peace and I don't know I am ever going to find it.