Sunday, September 10, 2006

Step by step

What a day Friday was.

Friday my stars said it would be a positive day, a windfall was coming and money was unexpectedly going to fall into my lap.

Instead my day went like this - Got up and opened yesterday's mail. Got online and paid all the "final notices" I had just opened.

Went to work and stressed out until 9:30am then gave in and rang Doctors for our final test results. Was told "they can't be found". "Not Found???" I say? How can that be? She tells me that she will have another look and call me back.

I wait, I stress, I feel physically sick.

Lunchtime comes and one of the girls on maternity leave comes in with her baby. Everyone Ooohh and Awwwwws and I escape down the back stairs and go to lunch, mobile in hand in case they call with the results. I stare at my Mobile all lunchtime just in case I can't hear it ring over the noise of the cafe

2pm I cave and call them again. Apparently they were just about to call me - (Sure!). The lab said my results are not ready yet and we have to wait until next week. I cry. I say "don't they understand that this waiting is killing us? " She says (rather flipantly) "Well they do take 3 weeks to culture so just hang in there". I respond "yes and they were done 4 weeks ago". Nothing we can do but wait. I am so upset about having to wait longer. I just want to know so I know if I need to just get on with life, or whether there is still a chance I might one day be a mum.

Friday it was 6 weeks since my D&C. I am emotional, and had some spotting. It stopped though.

3pm. I leave my desk to go to the loo. I notice more people in the kitchen as I go past. The woman with the baby is still here, people fawning over them. Then I realise someone else is there. My bosses wife. with their daughter who is the same age Tukka (my second miscarriage) would have been if Tukka had lived. Today of all days I really did not need to see that baby, smiling, laughing. Another reminder of what I don't have. I escape to the loo. When I come out they are blocking the path, so I go a different way, escape down the stairs and walk around the lake. I try to contain my tears, and sort out my emotions. I come back up via the back stairs and reach my desk safely.

4pm. The girls and their babies migrate to the corridor at the end of where my desk is, blocking the only escape. Don't they ever go home? Why are they hanging around here all bloody day?

Finally they leave and right on 5:30 I flee home.

We went to do the grocery shop and I dropped into Borders bookstore. I got this great knitting magazine. Would you believe it has an article embellishing the advantages of using a handmade knitted cotton dishcloth! how up my alley. It also has 6 sock patterns in it (some pretty dodgy, but some okay).
Saturday my sister and I went to the stitches and craft show. It was okay - more suited to quilters or beaders though. They had some lovely sock yarn (seems knitting your own socks is becoming trendy again) although I wasn't prepared to pay $20 a ball for them. All the other yarn\wool was that price or even pricier. I just can't afford them no matter how heavenly they feel.

Today I spent most of the day round at my sister's helping her pack. Looks like she is moving at the start of October. In fact I have been helping her that much I have had no time for the net or for knitting. Sad huh!

Oh and the spotting has stopped entirely now. Wonder why my period will arrive? We still haven't decided on a name for our little lost baby. I hope to have it sorted soon. I need closure so badly.

Hope you are all well. I am reading blogs and trying to comment - sometimes I don't do the comments though. Take care all.

4 Comments:

At 9:32 pm, Blogger Thalia said...

Sorry they are keeping you waiting, bugsy, it must be horrible. Not to mention the attack of the babies in your workplace. I hope that the results will be there on monday and it will give you some closure.

 
At 2:46 am, Blogger Summer said...

Oh, Bugsy, what a horribly hard day you must have had. Not only to be reminded of your current loss but of your past one as well.

I understand what you mean about needing closure. I know this doesn't help right now, but it will come. In pieces and with time, it will come.

 
At 10:41 am, Blogger Katt said...

I know they cant rush these things but still they could be more sensitive about it all!!!

I hope the results come in very soon for you hun. Hold in there.

Katt

 
At 1:38 pm, Anonymous Anonymous said...

IF is all about waiting isn't it. pity they don't give out medals for waiting.
seepi

 

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