D-Day approaches

So here we are. 1 day before my 12 week scan.

Tomorrow is significant for a number of reasons. 1) hopefully my baby will be alive, and have beaten all my other babies in getting this far 2) if everything is okay, then tomorrow also marks the point where the rate of miscarriage drops off 3) tomorrow I should also get the down's test score (that is, you know, if the baby is still alive).

I know you all think I should be more positive going into this scan. Believe me, I have tried to be positive. Every second of every day, I try. But after three miscarriages, the last being detected at the 12 week scan when I was sure everything was okay, I am really struggling to be positive about this baby.

I see the differences between this pregnancy and the last. With Jayden I never had any morning sickness at all, and what symptoms I did have, dropped off almost entirely after around 10 weeks. With this baby I still have lots of symptoms - they really haven't wavered. Only this morning I was dry retching after breakfast. My boobs are still swollen and full and very tender. I am so tired that I really need a nana nap every day, although most days I just don't get the chance (mainly when I am at work).

Despite all this, and despite only 2 weeks ago seeing a wiggling baby, I am very scared about tomorrow. I can't help but remember how it felt when they told me Jayden had died. I just don't know I can go through that again. I really do not want to go there again.

please let everything be okay tomorrow.

p.s. My scan is at 12:30. I doubt I will be home anytime before 2pm (melbourne time), so don't panic if you don't hear from me straight away.

12w2d