The rollercoaster of fears

1 hour ago I was sitting here, poking my boobs when I thought nobody was looking, just to see if they were still tender. The nausea has been slight today and I only dry retched once this morning before it faded.

Now, I am sitting here sipping water trying not to throw up. Thank you body. I really needed some reassurance before the doubting crept up to me and you didn't let me down.

It seems to come in waves, not lasting long, but always leaving just a hint of queasiness in the background.

Nearly Friday. 10 weeks tomorrow. Monday afternoon I see the OB and I hope she will grant my wish for a scan in her rooms just to make sure bubs is still alive. I need to know. Sadly I am already juggling work around just in case I am not in after Monday for a while.

Bad stuff happens. More specifically, bad stuff happens to me.

I am emotional too today. I can't stop crying over nothing. An email reminded me of my parents and today I can't stop thinking about them. I miss them so very much, with every essence of my being. (it took me over 30 minutes just to write this paragraph cause I kept welling up and I don't want to cry again at work.).

On the good news front last night i looked at my sleeping husband and realised I love him so much that my heart is just overflowing. We haven't had a fight in such a long time (with the exception of me yelling at him to get out of bed on the weekend), and we are just so happy. Later he woke and came and hugged me and told me just how happy he is. He has even started softly smiling as he calls me Mummy and I respond with "Yes Daddy? Can I do something for you?" It is very cute. The strain of ttcing constantly has been lifted and we are back to just being happy and content together.

Take care all.

9w6d