Saturday, February 03, 2007

Letting the fears in

Well I resisted it to the very end, but finally blogger left me no choice, forcing me to upgrade to the new blogger. I hope it works okay and doesn't cause any problems - we will see.

I am struggling a bit today. I poke my boobs and they don't feel as sore as what they were. I didn't really have any nausea yesterday just a little bit of queasiness and it is the same today , no nausea, just a tiny bit of queasiness.

To make me feel even more anxious I have been googling missed miscarriages. I have had no cramping, no bleeding, no spotting - nothing bad for this pregnancy yet at all. Yet i have had two babies die around this time, both missed miscarriages, and i know that the only symptoms I had were that my pg symptoms seemed to drop off around this time. not totally, because it takes a while for the hormones to leave your body but a gradual loss of symptoms.

I am so scared. I don't want to give up on this baby, but I am so scared of going to that scan on Monday.

Every time I think of the scan on Monday I feel sick. I can almost hear her words "I'm sorry....." It haunts my every waking moment.

Yet there are times when my faith is restored. Every now and then I get a tiny wave of nausea that makes me gag, or dry retch. Then it is gone, and I feel normal again.

I go look in the mirror and I see enlarged breasts. I see the area around the nipple has changed - I see it is darker and lumpy. For a moment, looking at that, I feel pregnant.

Often I will sit there and think "I don't feel pregnant at all, I feel normal" and then I will walk or cough or something and I feel the difference in my abdomen.

I just don't know what to think at all.

I have been getting twinges in my stomach. twice today I have had a sharp pain (a tiny twinge) high up on my stomach. Going to the toilet I have had a bit of an ache afterwards down in my groin area - but that eases after a few minutes too.

I need to keep busy. Keep the fears at bay. I have to try to remain strong and go to my scan on Monday without feeling like I am walking into the lions den.

Please don't let the bad stuff happen. Please let me have this baby. Please.

It is going to be a long weekend.




At 12:37 pm, Blogger Songbird said...

Praying for you Bugsy, for a sense of calm and a quick weekend!

At 1:29 pm, Blogger Kris said...

Oh dear. It sounds like you will have a long weekend! I'm sorry for that... but hoping that Monday will bring you much restored hope and relief!

At 1:49 pm, Blogger three minute palaver said...

Oh Bugsy, I was just on that same rollercoaster all of last week and I can really empathise with you. The 1st trimester is so hard to do after experiencing losses. The symptoms or lack of are confusing and for me, nothing is as reasurring as a heartbeat on a scan. I'll be fully focused thing of you on Monday for you scan and have all fingers and toes crossed for good news of you and the baby.

At 2:36 pm, Blogger Katt said...

Oh hun I know you are worried, scared and stressed.

Thinking of you this weekend. And on Monday. When on Monday do you think you will be having your scan? And stick to your guns hun. Dont let them tell you no. Demand to have one.


At 4:07 pm, Blogger Thalia said...

Oh bugsy, it's so hard, isn't it? There's nothing any of us can do except wait it out with you. Hoping very hard.

At 4:24 pm, Blogger shelly said...

Bugsy, We were in a buddy group many moons ago (biting the bullet) and have recently found your blog.Of course was delighted to see your good news.

I just wanted to say that the aches and pains you're describing can be very normal in the early stages of pregnancy.I remember vividly feeling the same kind of things, and after 4 m/c's was terrified. Apparantly all the aches and pains is the uterus growing and other bits relaxing.

I went on to have 2 bubs both times having the aches and pains around the stage you're at now.Also not everyone has the full on nausea right through, mine was way worse the 2nd time.Probably more the fact I had a pooey nappy waiting for me first thing in the morning though.

Enjoy seeing your baby on monday and I hope you have lots of pikkies to share.

At 4:24 am, Blogger K|nneret said...

Bugsy, I am sending you best wishes for a stellar u/s on Monday. Try to stay calm this weekend (I know, I know) and here's hoping Monday brings you only good news.

At 8:57 am, Blogger Steff said...

Praying for a really great scan on monday - I can only imagine how hard this must be on you!!

At 10:13 am, Blogger Panda said...

Why do they normal stretching pains have to be so damn close to the "oh f*ck, not again" pains?

Hoping like hell for you Bugs.

At 10:16 pm, Blogger Leeanne said...

I hope I dont sound like I am preaching but please dont stress. Stress can cause lots of terrible things to happen.
When your thinking negative thoughts try to occupy your time with something distracting. Take a walk, sort out your knicker draw, annoy your husband, CRAFT.

Please take care of yourself.

At 10:35 pm, Blogger Em said...

I am so thinking about you Bugsy. We're all with you for tomorrow.

At 6:46 am, Blogger Summer said...

I am thinking of you Bugsy and hoping so, so hard that Monday brings you good news and some peace of mind.

At 8:29 am, Blogger The Momma / MrsHUGS said...

Hi Bugsy...

I am with Leeanne...
You really have to stop looking back at the past and start thinking positive, you really have to be thinking happy thoughts to pass on to your little bugsy...
Do I need to give you a positive thoughts braclet to replace your rose quarts one ???
Enjoy today...


At 8:55 am, Anonymous Jac said...

wishing you all the luck in the world for today and the future. Try be strong for your baby bugsy. Symptoms come and go it is all a normal part of pregnancy. And stay away from m/c information it really isn't helpful. Sending you all the positive thoughts I can muster.

love and hugs

At 10:54 am, Blogger Bumble said...

Hey Bugsy, sorry that you're feeling so unsure, it must be awful. All I've heard is that the symptoms normally start to ease off around 10 weeks, but I know that won't help you feel better until you see your little one again today. I pray that everything is going perfectly for you and your little one.

At 11:06 am, Anonymous Manuela said...

Are you fucking KIDDING me???

Tell me I didn't actually just read this, "Bugsy,
I hope I dont sound like I am preaching but please dont stress. Stress can cause lots of terrible things to happen."

That is just about the most cruel and insensitive thing I've seen in infertility circles in a long while. How DARE you say such a thing to a woman who is scared! Did you even THINK for one second what you are sentencing her to endure by uttering those ridiculous words? So... now... if something (God forbid) did actually go wrong, you are putting the thought in her head that it will be HER OWN FAULT for stressing! Oh YES! (clapping wildly) well done!!! I'm just CERTAIN she'll stop stressing IMMEDIATELY after the sharing of such sage and gentle wisdom. snort.

Bugsy... I am so incredibly sorry you are enduring such fear right now. Given what you've been through to date, your fear is a very natural thing. I've been there. So many of us have been there. Your fear is a form of self-protection right now... it sucks... but it's a way our psyche tries to protect our hearts from too much hope. Do not let anyone tell you that you are putting your child in harm's way by worrying.

Sending you healing thoughts from afar...

At 12:46 pm, Blogger Felicity said...

Praying for you Bugsy.


At 1:15 pm, Blogger Lesley said...

Ok, it's Monday and I can almost see your smiling face as you get the good news of how bubby is measuring well and filling that little area up. It's going to alright, I feel anyway. Ya can come up to Queensland and smack me one if I am wrong... Bugsy, I am thinking of you and wishing you every happiness in the world. At the moment I can't blog because I have to set up an google e-mail account or the likes. I can't do that on this computer Today but I will do it soon. Hopefully Tomorrow so I can read the good news you are preparing to tell us.
Luv ya hon... Hugs Lesley

At 1:43 pm, Blogger Drew said...

My heart is with you Bugs - as I can relate to your anxiety. Just try and remember that every pregnancy is different - the nausea and vomiting feeling comes and goes for me and with each day I imagine I was losing the pregnancy. I am going to pray very hard for you for this pregnancy to thrive and I look forward to the good news from the scan today. Big hugs to you - you deserve a break hon.

At 2:29 pm, Blogger Katt said...

I am starting to stress out here! I havent heard from you. My mind is going wild on what is happening up there with you guys at the moment....

Still thinking positive thoughts.



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